Football is just like chess, but for the dice.*

Chess has been the go to metaphor for discussing anything that stakes claim to be more cerebral than is given credit for. For instance, football. Barcelona's slow tempo, possession based approach to football, with its ordered formations and seamless transitions and neat triangles, often attracts comparisons with chess. With football on vacation and chess in the limelight, I thought it interesting to reverse the metaphor. Maybe Carlsen's Caro-Kann defence with its ordered pawn structure was nothing but Stoke's five man defence? Or Anand's e pawn in Game 4 not too different from a lone striker, an isolated no. 9, acting as the sole vanguard of a floundering attack? I know, I know. Even I roll my eyes as I type this but given I am sick and I am at home and have nothing better to do this might be better than watching the nth re-run of Frasier.

1. c4 e6 2. d4 d5 3. Nc3 c64. e4 dxe4 5. Nxe4 Bb4+6. Nc3 c5 7. a3 Ba5 8. Nf3 Nf69. Be3 Nc6 10. Qd3

Until this point the moves came in a flurry. Both players seemed well-prepared for this opening and just rattled off the moves without much deliberation, until Qd3 happened. Qd3 was Carlsen's W-M, the moment he made the switch from an orthodox 2-3-5 of yore to Chapman's W-M. Anand had to pause and take note of this move - something he clearly had never seen before or prepared for, a novelty, a strange unknown move that rendered all his preparation from this move on useless.

10. Qd3 cxd411. Nxd4 Ng4 *

The battle for the centre focussed predominantly on the queen pawn. Like most occasions when two great technical teams meet, the early battles were to happen in the midfield. Carlsen has responded to Anand's pressure on the d pawn by defending it with three of his pieces while at the same time developing them. Qd3 put Anand on the backfoot and left him a little bewildered. It threatens Rd1 and doubles pressure on the d file. Anand has responded to it by taking the d pawn out of the equation. 10... cxd4 11. Nxd4 gives Carlsen the lion's share of the centre - his now 3-5-1 winning the battle in the centre, even though it might be only a temporary victory. Ng4 threatens the Bishop on e3, which has been held in place to support the knight on d4.

12. O-O-O 

And queenside castling! Totally out of the blue! With so many of his queenside pawns in such an advanced position queenside castling looks to leave the king rather unprotected, but on the other hand it immediately brings in Rd1 and is far more aggressive than any of the other options. Carlsen has responded to Anand's crowding of midfield by having his wingbacks bomb forward, albeit at the cost of leaving a lot of space behind them.

12. O-O-O Nxe3 13. fxe3 Bc714. Nxc6 bxc6

Anand has responded to O-O-O by going for a exchange of pieces. Carlsen has opted to capture Anand's knight using his f pawn which leaves it isolated. This give him more currency in the centre but weakens his pawn structure. Carlsen has gone for Nxc6, creating an isolated pawn for Anand too.

15. Qxd8+ Bxd8 

Ooh, queens exchanged. The best attacking players on the field subbed by both teams to bring on an attacking midfielder as the game approaches the break. This could very well be the point the game boils over to the middle game phase when the less direct players become more critical. Ball possession, movement and link-ups in midfield gain in importance with the absence of a focal point of attack to ping balls to. Much like the Barca formation when they played without a striker, no? No? Ok.

16. Be2 Ke717. Bf3 Bd7 18. Ne4 Bb619. c5 f5 

Carlsen brings out his white bishop to attack along the left diagonal to step up pressure on the isolated c pawn. Remember Nani on Clichy in that 3-1 at OT? Anand defends it with Bd7 but his bishop is more a "periya pawn" (as my coach used to put it) than a bishop, with extremely limited open squares. Anand responds in kind with Bb6 attacking the e pawn, leaving Carlsen to push his c pawn forward. An attack on the queenside prompts Anand to push his f pawn forward attacking Ne4. Classic counterattack! No loss of tempo in this end to end action.

20. cxb6 fxe421. b7 Rab8 22. Bxe4 Rxb7

Carlsen accepts the exchange. That is an important bishop out of play for Anand, but so is the knight for Carlsen. Carlsen's pawn reaches the seventh rank - a non-threatening forward run by a wingback of limited talent only to be snuffed out by an adept centreback with Rxb7. At this stage I quite like Carlsen's open bishop and relatively more solid pawn structure to Anand's double isolated pawns.

23. Rhf1 Rb5 24. Rf4 g525. Rf3 h5 *

Carlen bring his kingside rook into play, gaining play on the f file. Anand's g5 opens with attack forcing Carlsen to retreat to f3. Anand's h5 bring pawns on level and is a good structure in general but this could allow Carlsen's bishop to get into Bg6, preventing Be8. Interestingly, all of Carlsen's critical pawns are on the dark square which render Anand's light coloured bishop ineffectual in attack. Talk of a left footed right winger.

26. Rdf1 Be827. Bc2 Rc5 28. Rf6 h429. e4 a5 *

Carlsen's double rooks on the file step up domination of the f file and threatens Rf6. Anand's Rc5 pins the bishop, keeping the winger pushed back in a defensive position. Anand's own bishop is a dud at this stage, so this pin brings some parity to piece play. As I expected, Carlsen made Rf6 preventing Bg6. Anand has pushed his kingside pawns hoping for an exchange and reducing pawns on the board. Looks drawish with no specific advantage. Anand's pin is debilitating. Kd2 should be expected.

30. Kd2 Rb531. b3 Bh5 32. Kc3 Rc5+33. Kb2 Rd8 *

As expected (pats himself on his back), Carlsen plays Kd2 releasing the pin. Anand plays Rb5 attacking the b pawn. This is good - Anand's rook getting much more play and a lot more active. To use a football cliche, he seems to be getting a lot more joy down this flank. Carlsen's b3 also lets Anand release his bishop to h5 - finally! The winger has managed to shake off his marker as Carlsen's defense turns lopsided to focus on the queenside freeing up space for Anand on the kingside. A check from Anand forces Carlsen to seek protection behind his pawns and Anand's Rd8 threatens Rd2. Anand very well dictating the pace of the game, pulling the strings in the midfield as it were. But Carlsen has had all the answers to Anand's posers until now.

34. R1f2 Rd435. Rh6 Bd1 36. Bb1 Rb537. Kc3 c5 38. Rb2 e539. Rg6 a4 40. Rxg5 Rxb3+41. Rxb3 Bxb3 *

Exciting, exciting, exciting developments! As expected Carlsen's rook attack Anand's pawns from behind. Anand offers biships in exchange with Bd1 but Carlsen doesn't want to nullify his wingers yet. That would cancel out any other attacking variations and reduce the game to a rook-pawn formation battle. Carlsen refuses the offer with Bb1 but that makes his bishop very defensive. Such a reversal of fortunes! Only a short while ago it was Anand's bishop that was a dud.

Carlsen's forward king attracts Anand's pawns to move forward strengthening his Rd4. Carlsen's Rg6 attracts an unexpected (at least by me) a4 on the queenside. Attack is the best form of defence, eh? Things are developing on this side of the field and Anand pressing his advantage. Suddenly all his pieces are active and advanced while the white pieces are held back very defensively. It is back to the wall, ten men behind the ball stuff here. They go for the rook exchange.

2. Rxe5+ Kd6 43. Rh5 Rd144. e5+ Kd5 45. Bh7 Rc1+46. Kb2 Rg1 47. Bg8+ Kc648. Rh6+ Kd7 49. Bxb3 axb350. Kxb3 Rxg2 51. Rxh4 Ke6

So, ladies and gentlemen, the endgame is here. A flurry of blows has ended up with the situation reversed, yet again, with the tempo now with white. Bg8+ forced the way open for a bishop exchange and gave Carlsen the opportunity to earn another pawn. Carslen has a two pawn advantage - Anand has had a player sent off but with the game in the last minutes and Anand able to defend his position with his stronger players still on the pitch it might not be sufficient for Carlsen to force a victory. His 'a' pawn might be critical.

52. a4 Kxe5 53. a5 Kd654. Rh7 Kd5 55. a6 c4+56. Kc3 Ra2

And Carlsen pushes his pawn advantage and has started rolling his 'a' pawn forward. Anand has to spend what little that is left of his defensive resources in rushing to protect the 'a' flank. This could leave his other wing exposed leaving much room for Carlsen's h pawn to start rolling. His extra attacker could prove decisive.

 57. a7 Kc558. h4 Kd5 1-0

'a' pawn is threatening close. As Anand's energy is spent protecting that wing, Carlsen's attackers on h exploit their man advantage. Acres of space, eons of time, a perfect cross for the attackers to head it into an almost empty net.

1-0 Carlsen.

*Attributed to Lukas Podolski. Probably apocryphal.

Valencia all the way down....

No this isn't my comeback post.
Neither because Valencia is doomed, nor because I still contend they will finish second, nor because I suddenly have too much to do (nonetheless true..).

... Note to Wren and Martin - sometimes neither/nor statements can simply end....

P.S Valencia -> Midfield -> Ever Banega.
All falling into place for you now? Unless you're Valencia that is....

Arsenal go to the Euros

The group stage of the Euros has just concluded. Okay, it concluded yesterday but I couldn't bring myself to write a post as I had had a hectic day at work. Okay, I spent my day stealthily reading ZM and calculating the speed at which the cursor moves in excel (measured as cells/min). Okay, I felt lazy.

So, Arsenal. (Yes, that is my smooth segue into the piece) How have the Arsenal boys been faring at the Euros? Have the shit-ones become less shit or more shit? Have the good ones become better or morphed into shit ones? Is RVP going to leave or is he going to leave? Is Rosicky alive? Such questions need answering and as the Arsenal writer on the blog it becomes my duty to answer them.

1. Theo Walcott. As many would have noted by now, Walcott is a footballer best used from the bench. When the fullbacks are tired and the game is slowing, bring on Walcott to do the one thing he knows best: run. That was exactly what he did against Sweden. His goal was flukey but his assist showed exactly what he is capable of. His quick burst of pace achieved what Milner had been  trying to achieve throughout the game, to beat his fullback and put in a decent cross. Walcott's speed took him past two defender with absolute ease and this, to an extent, excuses his poor dribbling. If RVP stays (of course he is leaving), then the much vaunted RVP Walcott combo would be something to watch out for next season.

2. Ox: Started England's first game against France. England did not see much of the ball and as a result the Ox was not fed, but for a debut he showed excellent composure and was lively when he had the ball. Far from being the end product, but I think Wenger will bring out the best in him. Totally different from Walcott.

3. RVP: RVP looked very average in a very average Netherlands team. Whether they deserve to be called a team is something that can be discussed given the way the played. I thought his movement around the box was very good and showed glimpses of what he did throughout last season. He showed his quality when he deftly turned Hummels and shot with his right foot (right foot!) past Neuer. Will he leave Arsenal? I don't think so. I cannot see him going to another EPL club, and at the rate at which Arsenal are buying players it might even be that we end up convincing RVP of our ambitions.

4. Bendtner: With the purchases of Podolski and Giroud being confirmed I don't see any place for the Bendtner in the squad. It is a pity because I quite liked him for he gave us another option when we found it difficult against teams that parked the bus. Like Messi for Barcelona if you get my drift. The Euros have been a good advert for this guy, an out and out striker who was wasted by Wenger on the wings just to accommodate RVP as the central striker (and a refusal to play with two strikers). Hope we get a good price for him this summer.

5. Rosicky: Didn't watch the game he played, didn't play the game I watched. He was absolutley godlike.

6. Koscielny: A sudden bout of writersblockolepsy meant I had to abandon this post midway and resumed writing it only today, post Spain-France and this means Kos gets to be pilloried and rated and slated in front of a demanding public i.e. the other guy who writes non-Arsenally things. Kos was the only guy in the French side who looked like he knew what he was doing. Although pairing up with Rami for the first time, he showed excellent awareness and concentration to put in a good performance. He tackled, he covered, he intercepted (joint highest interceptions in EPL) and he cleared. A centreback who is calm and confident on the ball. His performance would have helped boost his confidence although his first game at the Euros turned out to be his last game as well.

7. Giroud: Played the last 10-15 mins I think after replacing M'Villa. A striker needs the ball to do things. France needed balls to have the ball. They didn't so he couldn't.

Italy, like a fungus, have grown on me as the tournament progressed. A formation that is an exciting departure from the same ol' same ol', players who look more virile than two schwarzeneggers rolled into one on a strict diet of testosterone (I mean like me), a dreamy midfielder in baggy shorts with pin point passes, and a defender with a calf that could sleep with your mother. How can you not like them?

I hope England get thrashed mercilessly today. And maybe lose the game as well.

Death Metalist Kharkiv

I know what you're thinking…"third straight meme from the guy who hates memes"….either that or "why did big indian booty google search lead here…". I answer that first accusation as well as related complaints about why they're all about del Bosque with the same expressions, with a pithy request to pucker your lips on my posterior coz I'll do what I want on my blog. That being said, they're all about Spain at the Euro so defiant rebelliousness aside, there's cold hard logic to everything we do...much like Del Bosque....'s choice of dressing... This post is going to be flavored by the two major events in my life right now... thai green curry and this wonderful cucumber relish that seems to go with everything.... like seriously, who wuda thunk I could eat corn flakes with cucumber relish. So this post is going to be flavored with my deep insights from the new Be'lakor album for which I've been waiting 3 years, and my unfortunately under hyped Manali - Leh cycling expedition tomorow. 

Let's start with Be'lakor - the most superior songwriting band in Progressive Death Metal today, itself the most superior musical genre. After Frail Tide and Stone's Reach effortlessly overthrew Orphaned Land's Mabool off my P.D.M throne, a seemingly impossible weight of expectation hung on the nebulous mass that was Of Breath and Bone. 1st Listen : Disappointed, too many off-harmonic flats/sharps making it less accessible. 5th Listen : Greatest P.D.M Album ever. 15th Listen : Not as sustainable as Stone's Reach. Deep Insights : Spain might have been disappointing against Italy, they had a less accessible formation, and a few out of place chords (Cesc, Alonso) putting a dampener on an otherwise beautiful graceful harmony. But I'm thinking they are going to grow on me over the length of this tournament. Unfortunately like with OBAB's 15th listen, overall I don't think they have the evergreen and insistent greatness of Euro '08 or WC '10 - burnout loss in the finals looks imminent. 

Staying with Be'lakor, back when Stone's Reach was released, in an ill fated ill advised ill considered illidan Stormrage spate of wanting to spread the word of this vastly superior creation I had forced Countless Skies down quite a few people's throats (it's a song, despite my intense meditation and black magic occult training, I am yet not pagan adept master level 7 so can't manifest the forces of air into a throat-stuffable medium. But Lord Baphomet has assured me it won't be long now....). Unanimous response - music good, growling bad, how nice would it have been if it was the same music with a normal singing dude. Now while I try and respect opinions that differ from mine, even if they are wrong, myopic, and plain stupid... I wasn't sure how to react, apart from calling them wrong, myopic and plain stupid which I eventually did of course, in vastly more unpalatable language. I listen to clean vocal music and growl along, just so I can feel the vocals doing some justice to the rest of the music, to hear that people wish for the opposite is just weird, especially on high fidelity growling production examples like Be'lakor or Amon Amarth. 

Deep Insight Application : There was quite a bit of focus on Spain's forward-less formation, and its vindication upon Cesc's goal, with almost respectable football sites applauding the efficacy of this false 9, and even continued it to the ridiculous extension that it was responsible for Torres' chances after the formation was changed, in having spread play and created spaces. There was big talk about this being a radical shift in formation mindset and teams with MF strength could actually emulate Spain, especially Italy who probably boast the most MF talent in Cassano could drop back as a false 9, and any of their benched MF's like Montolivo, Diamanti, and Nocerino have the talent to make it to the first team. That's Be'lakor with clean vocals. I want non-death metal with death vocals. Spain should play Italy's formation, they have really similar players in defense and MF anchors, and extremely similar problems with lack of quality wingers (in the combined Spain and Italy squad, only Navas can be considered a winger, and he is not quality.....). My ideal Spain team for the rest of the Euro : Ramos, Javi, Pique in 3 man D - Drop Alonso in MF and pivot Busquets, Xavi, and Iniesta with Alba and Pedro providing width - Silva playing in the hole behind Torres. only difference from the Italy team that played Spain is Motta had quite a useless game, Marchisio was further back than ideal though he still played really well I thought, and Pirlo was both the most creative MF as well as their deepest lying - whereas Xavi would probably play like Motta did, floating around ahead of Busquets and saddling most of the creation. For the record, De Rossi had the most passes for Italy. from Centre Back. Roma. Word. 

Deep insight from Leh cycling expedition, it's a difficult task...like winning the Euro. So yea I just wanted to bring up the expedition really.... due to said unfortunate under hyping so far... Leaving tomorrow, probably going to die of atrophied muscle sudden re-usage shock, but either way we return as changed men (amputated) - so will Spain. If they do win this Euro, there's really nothing more Xavi, Iniesta can do, sort of like if Barca had retained the UCL this season. If they lose the Euro, there's going to be a rethink on tiki-taka strategy, a tectonic shift to more direct football. Only way things probably don't change too radically is if they make the Finals against Germany and lose a blistering open end-end encounter predicated on highly technical possession football. Haven't seen that since Valencia-Barca 2-2 in the beginning of the season, so don't think anyone is going to succeed, and so even try, playing Spain at possession football. Thanks to a brilliantly scheduled trip, we start tomorrow and return after the Euro finishes, with no TV access in the middle. At least I miss out on the depressing pathos that is the end of a Spanish Era. even if they win. 

Master Chef Espana

Crashed out of the UCL Semis, lost Puyol and Villa (in terms of importance, no.4 and no.3 resp.ly) but I imagine Spain can claim some moral victory basis Barca/RM being runaway best teams in Europe all season, and a 3-team Europa Semis showdown too.. speaking of moral victories, how about the race against time to secure one by getting the Spain Euro preview before FourFourTwo or Zonal Marking - although I suppose they can't really compete with our brand of hard hitting journalism. Not sure why they even try....chalkboards! like whatever that is so 20th century. Any hard core analysis needs to first be backed up with memes in the fast paced world of today, also the title of my latest book as one of the preeminent management gurus of our time.

Problem 1 : Position - Too few defenders. I'm not counting Raul Albiol who's been a joke ever since whoring himself out to Madrid from the Valencia team that made him what can be fairly painted as a younger faster last-year Pique. I shouldn't be counting Pique either on evidence of this season, but I will, and that gives us 1 CB and 4 Full backs in the squad. Ramos and Pique look to start in a no-brainer but really unbalanced back 2. Pique's spent much of the season playing with Mascherano and Busquets, both Midfielders so he'd be more comfortable with Javi Martinez who has, in a neat coincidence, spent the entire season at CB with Amorebieta the slightly more mobile Pique. Ideally - Javi, Pique at CB. Ramos and Alba at RB,LB. But assuming Ramos comes in at CB, definitely hoping Arbeloa doesn't play, I shudder to think about his fate with Silva/Mata ahead of him instead of Di Maria/Ozil. Juanfran's had a blinding season, but Arbeloa plays for the Real Madrid so I'm again going to head-shakingly assume he's in. Then again, a squad of 10 MF's tempts me to dream of maybe a 3-5-2 with Ramos-Javi-Pique behind Busquets-Alonso-Xavi-Alba-Cazorla playing into Silva-Iniesta. Notice how I've eliminated Chelsea f***s from the lineup - both of whom I assume will start, still workable with Iniesta back to MF and Silva with Torres. But bottom line extremely thin defence, I'm still finding a superlative for "astonishment" to describe the ludicrous picking of Albiol in the squad ahead of Victor Ruiz - with 2 more for CB depth available from a choice of Nacho, Navarro, Javi Lopez, Chico, Ballasteros, Amorebieta some of whom without exaggeration single-handedly dragged their sides through to results (think Kameni in Espanyol 4-5 years ago)

Problem 2 : Age - Everyone's older, Defenders are younger.... Although we needn't look too much into younger defense, that's majorly from the fact that Jordi Alba is 23 - and no real fear of inexperience there given the invaluable season he's had for Valencia.

Problem 3 : Location - So I'm a little biased by the fact that my football formative years were spent watching Spain teams built around Valencia and Italian teams built around Juventus and Roma, I don't insist on things remaining this way - Jordi Alba is on the team, and the only others from Valencia who were even close to being world class enough were Ruiz, ocean of tranquillity Albelda and possibly Soldado especially since Pablo H. hasn't played enough games. But, Euro 2008 had players from 11 different clubs (maximum from Valencia bythway...) - Euro 2012 has 12 players from 2 clubs (Barca 7, RM 5). I'd be ok with this if the argument was that the best players obviously play here. Albiol. Arbeloa. Fabregas.... Really? Best, really?.... Goddamn Albiol's started 8 games in all competitions!!!! I wasn't too kicked about the 4 players from EPL either, but then it was 5 last time so best not to complain too loudly - anyway Silva and Mata are hardly EPLic. 

Problem 4 : Fatigue - Problem with 12 players from RM/Barca is they compete in at least 3 tournaments a year. Barca 5 this season. The starting XI this Euro will have played 7 and a half games more than the starting XI last time. Anyone who followed Bilbao's last 1.5 months of the season could counter rubbish the rubbishing claims of he-men like me about fatigue being in the mind - frankly I think these footballers are a bunch of pansies, just the other day I did like 5 push ups in the morning, went to office worked all day, jogged back home jumping over all car hurdles, played football with pre schoolers coked up on steroids, did a grueling Tai Chi cool down and then danced to my overplayed Britney Spears CD... without complaining about fatigue. Actually make that 2 push ups... sat all day... took an auto home (although it did jump over car hurdles in my defence)... watched pre schoolers play football (which is actually less disturbing than the original image...)...and did a grueling Thai Chips cool down. I'll leave the Britney dancing routine open to discussion in the suddenly rampantly overrun blog comments section. Headline being a lot more games played than when they won the Euro in 2008, just hoping this is only because there's more football these days in general - meaning all the teams are going to have a team coming off more games played in their respective leagues.

Can't see Spain games as any scenario but the Chelsea - Barca semi : waves after waves of Spanish attack smash... on opposing shields. Cazorla as a sub might be interesting, Torres regaining some Atletico-era form would be great, I'm really only watching them for Iniesta Alba link up. The fact that this is just a preview for next season is now pretty much without doubt, with Valencia not telling Barca "he isn't for sale" rather saying their offer is too low or in other words "suuuuure, he's only our best player after Banega... go ahead and take him!!!! but could you throw in a few cents so we can catch the evening bus to our ghetto". I imagine it's strange to suddenly downplay Spain's chances basis Puyol/Villa and general squad balance, when they still definitely have the most talented squad in the competition. But if this UCL and Europa season has taught us anything, talent is usually the problem. I don't suppose I'll win the race against time for the Italy preview before FourFourTwo or Zonal so if they make the connection between post Calciopoli WC success and the current fiasco in Italy... you heard it here first.

Aukat Damemege.

God I hate memes. But they're just so friggin funny! I mean how could you possibly not love watching pompous red potato get, what can only be described by reluctant use of sellout tween net slang, pwned! The fact that a two year old could have created it is irrelevant...maybe... I still hate memes though.

Have a bad feeling about Spain this time, Del Bosque suddenly in the news, slowly reminding me of Nestor Pekerman for WC '06, and we all know what happened then... Valencia is my fav team, and Chelsea probably my most hated, so it's pretty weird for me to say Torres ahead of Soldado is quite obviously the right decision, I think Soldado is made to look a lot better at Valencia than he really is, more so than Llorente, at Bilbao, who I'm hoping against hope is just a plan B. Where the B stands for Boooorrrinngggg. More detailed look at Spain later. For now, let's just think about David Villa's injury, look at the stars and say Whhhyyyyyyyyyyyy Goddd Whhhhhyyyyyyyyyy

Ultracrepidarian Post

Contrary to the misconception that living in N.India belligerently beats your I.Q down to nothingness (i.e contrary to the use of the word "misconception"), I find it to be largely thought provoking on deeply philosophical ideas. For instance, ruminating about your epistemology of "I know I exist, but cannot be sure others' minds exist" hits a huge gnostic roadblock in N.India since you're pretty sure others' minds do not exist... Other mainstay ruminations making for pleasurable scotch-accompanied fireplace conversations include "if life were indeed a computer simulated reality, where can I download a Norton scanner to eliminate the trojan virus known as South Delhi kewl dewd?" and the elaborately worded treatise "Intelligent Design? Haryanvis. Nuff said". But my personal favorite is "Hindi as a language should be allowed to exist. Discuss" with me advocating passionately and plot-twistingly.....that it should. I usually don't need to look beyond arguments of everything's-connected, or each-place-in-food-chain, but in case I had to (i.e in case someone politely pointed out that Tam would take its place at the bottom of the food chain), I'd lead with Hindi having contributed to global vocab the word "Aukat" (although if the definition of global vocab is usage by at least 20% of the earth, then I suppose all of hindi is global vocab). Can't really think of a translation, the tams have gamely tried "dai onnodai moonji ku..." which is "for your face...." (though to really capture the sentiment it should be "for your face and all...") but Aukat is just way more derisive...like just the other day this hot chick wanted to make out and I was all "....please...Aukat...." she readily agreed, in hindsight I think maybe the joke and aukat in question was mine... So here's Aukat Index for La Liga 2011-12. 

Aspirants : Like Brad Pitt Achilles eloquently puts it when posed the deceptively thought provoking rhetoric "why..." - "I wanted more" - these are teams who decided 2010-11 wasn't reflective of their capabilities and steadily climbed during the course of this season to their final league position. The fact that Achilles actually meant a second helping of his Moussaka is now lost to history, perhaps history will also swallow the fact that some of these aspirants only climbed after prostituting themselves out to oil sheikhs... and hopefully also the fact that I had to google "Greek cuisine" to arrive at Moussaka after deliberating for 10mins whether pita bread was a) greek enough and b) good enough for Achilles to want a second helping.... discerning connoisseur that he was, the analogy might have become nonsensical.. So in above graph, we're looking for Blue (final position in 2010-11 season) > Red (average position in 2011-12 season) > Green (final position in 2011-12 seson) - starting with Real goddamn Madrid. Leaving aside big teams (hint : EPL team...red jersey... called Arsenal.... from London, if you're still thinking then I'm jealous of your blissful EPL Ignorance) spewing their platitudes of "we always expect to be up there...beating the best", I imagine it takes an arrogance only RM are capable of - to truly believe they could beat Barca over 38 games. They clawed their way to 1st in Round 9 and grew their roots there for the rest of the season while Barca blustered around them and blew themselves out. Malaga aspired and achieved, after above mentioned prostitution. Osasuna are also here with slightly less ambitious aspirations, on the strength of Raul Garcia. Fortunately or unfortunately, enough articles notice him these days so I don't have to sing his erstwhile underratedness any more, and in general I'll get to player specifics in some other post and focus instead on composite aukat for the entire team. Mallorca and Sociedad also qualify with the former with especially ambitious aspirations, but given their really high standard deviation I'm not really counting them - more on std dev later. 

Slippery Slopers : Think Joe Pesci going after Macaulay Culkin on well greased stairs... it has nothing to do with the next bit, but you have to admit it's a funny image... the next bit is on Blue < Red < Green : teams who started with a gentle slide calmly dismissed by fans as teething issues with some mild expectation downward revision (UCL to Europa to Top Half) before they realized they'd gotten so used to their Mach 3 descent that they actually though they were standing still. Villarreal. Here's me talking about their teething issues and mildly downward revising my expectations for their season. In defence of current-me, I did go back in time to warn past-me about the delusion, but past-me told me to f*** off and die. What. a. dick. The good thing is, I think their teething issues are now done and they're going to top Segunda and even qualify for UCL two years from now with Borja Valero starring in ....who th f*** are you... yea future my ass, f***off and die. geez what. a. dick. yea so anyway Borja Valero starring etc etc. Sevilla and Bilbao the only lucky slippery slopers in the top half. Sevilla I'm really glad, I hope their slope continues till they're in the 4th division, although now that Kanoute has left I might have to downward revise my hatred for them. Bilbao got so caught up in their excellent first half and Europa streak they forgot to look around as Mallorca, Osasuna and Atletico just whizzed past them in the league. I'll leave out Gijon and Santander, I think their Aukat was relegation anyway although poor Santander actually had a lower avg position than Gijon and almost equal to Zaragoza. The real subprime aukat has been Espanol. 8th last season, an avg position of 9th all through this season, and then suddenly just slipped and slid their pebbly way down to 14th in what must have been a really annoying descent constantly meeting teams on their way up and asking "abeyaar, kitna door hai upar tak?" in the typical irritating n.indian "trekker" fashion. I can just imagine fat f***s like Getafe with their iPods and DSLRs huffing and puffing their way past a helpless Espanol. did I say helpless, I meant useless. 

Assorted Awards

Purple Patch Award : Atletico Madrid… as is obvious from the graph, started dismally - under achieved and then just had a rock star second half not realizing their success was a deal with the devil - having sold their soul and happily incubating the cancerous tumor that is EPLism. 

Laugh in the face of Aukat Award : Levante... but they also laugh in the face of youth, good looks, talent, money, and fame. So in the grand scheme of things, maybe the joke's on them... 

Strict Aukat Adherance Award : Valencia, who desperately try to escape their 3rd place limbo each season by selling off their best players in the hope that they drop to 4th where they're sure the air is a little fresher. Alba and Rami are probably going to be their roll of the dice this transfer season. The deeply disturbing thing if this were true, is that Miguel who's available on free transfer may be retained to boost their chances of dropping position - and Albelda might be released on Bosman!!! 

Encephalogram Award : Betis, standard deviation of 4.13 just had noooo idea what their Aukat was this season, having just been promoted. Zig zagged their way to an average position of 11 (having been top of the league twice) but then lost it a bit and ended up at 13. Bilbao had a std.dev of 3.4 on the strength of a miserable first 6-7 games, a brilliant mid season that saw them even reach 5th, and then a steady loss of cabin pressure while they snoozed through the final 3rd of the season. Positions 1-3 and 17-20 have the lowest std. dev. in the league, so I guess it shows where the league is really competitive. Barca and Valencia are 1 and 2 in terms of least std.dev. so that also shows who calmly accepted their career fate and concentrated on arts and crafts instead. 

Aukat Revision for 2012-13 : RM no change (2). Barca no change (1). Valencia haha. Malaga change (4). Atletico change (4). Levante stfu and sit (14). Osasuna no change (9). Mallorca marginal change (13). Sevilla slide (9). Bilbao up (5). Getafe meh (11). Sociedad meh (12). Betis up (11). Espanol down (13). Rayo up (16). Zaragoza same (13). Granada down (19).