Francesco Thaatha

Totti turned 35 yesterday, a birthday which is all too alarmingly close to corpopimp Dhruv's (I know you're secretly reading this while you wrap up work and get ready to head home...but don't. 1:30am is no time to be reading blogs). This year at Roma started with a hotly publicized cold-war between Luis Enrique and Totti, and it wasn't without any latent relief that I wondered if finally Pupone could take the back seat with a tactical shuffle that reduced the total and utter dependence on him. 4 games into the season and Enrique's already changed his formation to funnel solely around Totti pulling strings from behind the forwards. Funnily enough, the same happened in the first few Spalletti years, with Totti getting relegated more often, and the parallels with Del Piero's simultaneous decline from Juve godheadness being all too obvious. But the last 2 seasons had regressed back to the Tottiphilia that has plagued (in a way that is too enjoyable to really treat...like a sweet smelling rash that also looks kinda badass..like the red dragon on my..never mind) Roma for too long to possibly get over easily. Totti is the greatest Trequartista I have ever seen, but he played as a striker (sometimes lone!!!) for the past 3 seasons - Enrique's acquisitions and more pondering possession play meant a Totti-ic striker was theoretically out. But they played Parma last Saturday as 3-4-3 with a Trequartista...a formation that couldn't be more made for Totti if it dressed in a swimsuit and hosted TV Shows.

The game itself was quite beautiful, Enrique shamelessly showed Roma the notes he's been stealing from Pep's locker, and it even worked..sorta... (in the twisted way I once said Barca's play worked in their UCL loss to Inter 2 yrs back). De Rossi was incredible again (finally), Osvaldo and Rosi were both excellent, rest were safe but not toe-curling (Self TWSS). Formation strategy yadayada Heinze piece of shit yadayada huh-who-what-keeper yadayada. So anyway, point is Totti is back and seems to be here to stay for this season..AGAIN... and I just cant get myself to enjoy yet another season watching him play, with the creepy gong in my head accentuating the impending withdrawal at Roma once he hangs up his dentures and leaves (although its a lot less creepy if I play the Streetfighter game soundtrack in my head while the gong sounds). They went into rehab with Spalletti early on, the way Juve said no to Del. But while Juve have forgotten him completely, Roma have relapsed again. but then it just feels so good....

Almost time for Che against Chelsea, and I'm going to go out on a limb and put myself out there, not sit on the fence, but bravely predict...that Valencia will play the better football and pummel blue monkeys for 90mins...as for the result itself, lets see........could go either way, can't really say, both teams are great and YEA RITE. Chelsea to win 2-1 :(

Mata to score, and commentator to say "well wouldn't you know it...it just had to happen didn't it..."

Player Ratings' Rating

Goal.com player ratings are usually so contemptible that it becomes the only reason to even read them, to bask in the sanctimonious afterglow of an aura that such contemptibility emanates. The degree of lack of ocular and brainular cells used in these articles was revealed when I added the ratings of 3 matches each of low draws and low victories and found the exaact same sigma for all (66.5 for former, 74.5 for latter). This leads me to a startling yet not entirely alarming conclusion - these articles are computer generated and completely untouched by human hand. Startling because of Matrix, AI, yadayadayada, but not entirely alarming because they are cleaarly not bright enough to enslave us and take over the galaxy (although there is a school of thought that claims though AI could not process things beyond the purview of our creation i.e be smarter than us, they could enslave us by being just as dumb but sincerely and consistently...so you'll see Goal.com's human articles striving to be just as consistent in dumbness).

So here are the human-initiated player ratings of the oh-so-awesome Val-Bar match. Special mention for the sportsmanship in the match, it was such a fast-paced aggressively contested game w.r.t possession that there were so many extended legs and late challenges and follow-throughs, without a single reaction by either team. Apart from Cesc crying about Rami's innocuous follow-through and Cesc/Messi each appealing for penalties on 2 different occasions (both challenges by who else but Unmagnificent Miguel), every single player young old, brave yellow, strong weak, just got up and continued playing without so much as a grimace. Incredibly rare to have witnessed in Liga, and testament to the professionalism of these players IF there is clear lack of malice or directed purpose in toughness of play - Madrid and EPL please note...

Player	Goal.Com Rating	Literate Rating	Expert Comments
Guaita	6.5	5	Great saves on Messi, Villa 1 on 1 but....Pedro at near post, and too slow to come out w/ Cesc who has now scored the SAAAMEE GOAL IN LAST 4 GAMES!!!! WATCH THE TAPES GUAITA!
Rami	7	8	Brilliant! Had to continually cover for Miguel who was always out of position. Prevented a sure Messi 1 on 1 goal
Ruiz	6.5	7.5	Not as comfortable in possession as his partner, but the left /central part of Valencia was completely shut down to Barca
Miguel	6	ZERO DUCK	What..an..asshole! Every single attack, including both goals came from through balls behind him. Made Pedro look brilliant
Alba	6.5	7.5	Ingenious left flank fluidity with Mathieu, more impressed with their rampant tactical switching-over than any individual play
Mathieu	8	6.5	Lets not get carried away with just the assists....Made to look much better by Alba's dynamism, excellent pressing though.
Banega	7.5	9.5	I'll say it again with no fear of ridicule, hands down the best Midfielder in football today. Disgraceful that he is still passed over for Argentina's MF with geriatrics like Veron, Lucho getting the nod - Lucho used to be one of my favs, but reallly sucks now!!
Albelda	7	8.5	Has been reborn after a useless end to last season. Totally pwned Cesc, and even Messi. Top anticipation to intercept through-balls
Canales	6.5	7	After a less than impressive 2 debuts partnering Albelda, pushing him into the hole was wondrous yesterday! I'm now convinced!
Pablo	7	7.5	Extremely hard working evening, along with Canales gave Barca a taste of their own medicine with their pressing very high up
Soldado	6	5	It isn't that he missed a goal gaping wider than Holocaust victims, I'm not shallow..It's just that he's a forward....Not involved at all
Costa	6	7.5	Totally wasted if used purely as an Albelda, he is great on the ball but 2nd Half was hardly about keeping the ball..Still good
Jonas	5.5	5.5	I take back what I said last time, his through ball to Soldado against Racing isn't enough to like him any more...
Piatti	5.5	7.5	I love this guy! He even looks like Messi!! Drew a foul EVERY time he was on the ball - Our new Vicente!!! Needs to start..
Valdes	6	6	Wyell...he IS the surest keeper when it comes to catching shots and not beating them away, but didn't have much to do
Abidal	6	5	Sucks at Left back. Needs to play Central... Not Left back...and definitely not Left Wing!! Pablo skinned him too many times. Not entirely sure why Pep persists at RB
Masch	7	5.5	Huh? 7 because he hit the post... Overrun and positionally dreadful! Can't possibly deal with pacy 1 touch passing of Che
Puyol	4.5	7	Another blindness! I usually think Puyol is slow and too old-school, but he was solid and alone in his confidence at defence
Alves	4.5	6	Unfair to blame him for the system's failings.. But too many short passes were intercepted, although credit for that goes to Valencia
Xavi	6	9	Banega showed 10 times more skill, but Xavi gets a 9 since he was the only barca player who passed flawlessly under pressure
Keita	6	5	I thought on the evidence of the Villarreal game, 3-4-3 might suit Keita... Turns out only a body bag would suit him better...
Busquets	5.5	5.5	Haha yea he was pretty bad. But Pep is solely to blame, this guy is majestic as defensive MF why keep shuffling him!
Cesc	7	4	There are vendettas, and there are vendettas..and then there are jackasses who thoroughly deserve them...0% Barca DNA - Scores from the very failing of being positionally clueless that ruins the team through the game.. Couldn't control passes and really helped Che regain possession rapidly. As a MF he doesn't make himself available for passes from a team mate - POOR off the ball
Pedro	6.5	6.5	Technically deserves a higher rating, but that's only because zero duck Miguel made it possible...Was released many times in 1st 45
Messi	7.5	6.5	Oozed obvious class on the ball, but gave away too many passes.. But the 2 out of 50 passes that weren't intercepted made 2 goals
Adriano	5.5	5.5	Leftback to Right Forward... Like duh, complete sequitor. Next game he might set up Valdes and Pinto for a virtuoso goal
Villa	5.5	5	One of my favorite players, Valencia's fav son..didn’t start...then came on and gave the ball away, before missing a 1 on 1 with keeper...sigh
Thiago	5.5	7	Iniesta Beta (not hindi-beta, software Beta...although he WAS born around the time...ok no) needs to replace Cesc NOW!!!

F.C.Bizarrelona

It is always with some notion of impending sadness that I gleefully circle off dates that mark Valencia-Barcelona @ Mestalla game, it is very predictably the best game of the season (not liga season...football season), since the morning after - it was the best game of the season and it's pretty much downhill then on. Yesterday was the best game of the 2011-12 season, especially with the only other competitor - Atletico : Valencia already done (and although I couldn't review it, what a game it was! Valencia actually got battered by beautiful Atletico gameplay - All of last season, Juve scratched their heads wondering why they had bought Diego, he showed them that day...for a different club though). Bound to happen if a team can (Airtel Cliche of the day brough to you by Airtel) "give as good as they get" against Barca, 4 goals for the stat-whores, end-end fast paced action for the excitement-whores, intricate passing for the liga-whores and Che absolutely on steroids for the Valencia-whores. I predicted a 1-1 scoreline, it ended up 2-2 but only just. Valencia led 2-1 for 60 minutes, and should have been 4-1 by halftime if Soldado wasn't Soldodo for the entire game.

I was in the process of searching Amazon.com for "Unai Emery explains How to shoot yourself in the foot" that I was convinced existed after watching his starting XI, before I saw the Barca XI and instead looked for "Pep explains...etc etc" (I eventually found "Capt. Hook explains..etc etc" but maybe it was just a parody). Emery's seemingly-foot-shot-lineup was magnificent (barring Miguel who couldn't be magnificent even by holding a gun to Webster's head and changing its meaning to "sucks so friggin bad it hurts". I'm just kidding, in that case he could be magnificent) while Pep's bombed savagely (not in a cool Luftwaffe / Biggles kind of way though). This may be a Valencia blog, but Barca XI was way too bizarre to not talk about... He keeps scoring, assists quite a bit, so why is it I just can't bring myself to do anything but hate his face and his pinocchio limbs... Cesc is ruining this team. The lengths Pep has gone to, to accommodate this jackass, are as ridiculous as Abidal playing left forward..no wait that's what happened...

As I'd feared in earlier posts, Cesc has officially replaced one of the front-3, yesterday Villa was axed and Pedro switched to the left where he usually sucks but yesterday was a god thanks to mentioned unmagnificentable black asshole, but that's for later. Cesc played behind these 2 and hence unbalanced the front 3 completely, requiring Alves to populate the right wing and leaving the back horribly exposed. I'm the last person to not give Valencia due credit for scorching the 1st half, but Barca looked more clueless than North Indians when I make comments with uninflected sarcasm... (actually that's giving few of them too much credit, make that even INFLECCTTEEDDD sarcasm).... ZM mentioned how Pep got his subs right and that's what changed the 2nd half but they're wrong, any Valencia fan would tell you they really flag after 70 minutes in any game, add to this Albelda going off injured and needlessly self-handicapping by including Miguel, and Barca could have scored even if they substituted all their players and replaced them with... ANNYYOONNNEEE (except the unmagnificent seven).

Started with 4-4-2 but Alves positioned to be right-forward so it became 3-4-3, or did it... eventually became 3-4-3 with Abidal replacing Pedro at left-forward... then became 3-4-3 with Busquets back to defence (something I thought would become extinct after his blinding performance back in MF against Osasuna, that Barca had been missing so far) and Adriano at right-forward! Then became a 3-4-3 with Villa and Cesc with Messi and Adriano dropping to MF with Thiago. They changed position more often than my ex-gf, granted they were a lot more exciting, without doing the simple things of keeping possession and finding players. Cesc, Keita (duh) were completely overrun in possession and kept giving the ball away to pressure or interceptions, but even Messi and Alves were guilty of mispasses, only Xavi that ocean of calm kept a 100% pass completion ratio despite having no outlets (being cut off from Cesc who was supposed to be on the left, and in general never being able to link up with Cesc who has absolutely no positional discipline). More on players in the following post, but overall a superlatively attacking and exciting game, and no real guarantee that a dropped Cesc and less-bizarre formation would have yielded any dividends against a heart-warmingly wonderful Valencia performance (no shame in admitting I was complete soccer-mom last night gleaming and saying "that's my boy there!")...ok maybe some shame....DELETE DELETE...

Valencia Match Views (1 + Re + Pre)

You can imagine how much bravery it takes for someone to make their comeback post about a team no one knows... You can also imagine how quickly I now clap my hands over my ears and start screaming whenever I hear a sentence starting with "1^st place? But it's only Round..."... We are the Champions los Che los Che Campeones Los Che.... But in all seriousness, I’m not a deluded guy, I wouldn’t kid myself, after all I’m the kind of guy with both feet firmly planted on the back of the giant goddess turtle that the rest of you morons think is some lithosfear or some crap. Valencia might not end up winning the league, a lot because they don’t thrive on these old wives' tales about the importance of (air-quotes) Consistency, and Uniformity of tactics, and Showing up to practice everyday... (not to mention –airquote- Not beating the crap out of opposition forwards because they “looked at me wrong...”). At least the last may be fixed what with Marchena gone, and Albelda old and mellow.

Che had 76% possession against Gijon in the first half, and played an incredibly fluid kind of football that made the following Barca 8-0 demolition look almost boring. The kind of football I never thought possible when I first looked at the lineup – Canales partnering Albelda, Pablo and Jonas supporting Soldado – seemed a little too lopsided towards the right to facilitate fluidity in the attacking 3^rd. But Jonas started in the hole and quickly settled on the left flank, while Pablo effortlessly shifted from left flank to right flank. Their blinding 1^st half was about 2 players – Banega and Albelda. The latter gave Liga a schooling in defensive MF as a ball-winning distributor that Busquets and Alonso could watch tapes of for hours and hours without success. I can’t really wax lyrical about Banega since he was just as awesome as Ever, nothing awesome-r than usual – but quite the spectacular genetically manipulated mutant baby of Zidane’s ease on the ball, and David Pizzaro’s ever-presence and swiveling away from pressure; hands down the best Midfielder in football today especially given Iniesta being pushed further up the pitch thereby minimizing use of his incredible ability to collect from deep and dictate play.

I still prefer Tino Costa to Canales, who created some chances in the 1^st half but rapidly fell away to lack of discipline and stamina in the 2^nd. Pablo created the first goal (and what...a...beautifully built up goal it was, starting from who else but Albelda and Banega) from the left flank, but really looked a lot better on the right, where he set up Jonas to hit the upright, and himself almost chipped the keeper. Jonas in the hole only works in fits and starts (don’t...), and relies too much on short one-touch passes to be useful on the left flank, for which Piatti who came on as a sub looked far far better. As much as I like the 3 man MF with Costa included (a 3 man MF about which I raved and raved earlier), if Costa has really fallen out of favor with Emery (not being injured currently..), given how much I liked the look of an almost early-Messi-y Piatti when he came on, and the one single moment of Jonas’ through ball to Soldado in the 4-3 win against Racing in round 1, all mean I’d love to see 4-4-2 with Albelda Ever Pablo Piatti MF Diamond and Jonas behind Soldado.

On Defence, they didn’t concede...nuff said. But I will say this, Jordi Alba has finally made a believer out of me! Bruno hasn’t though... although he is much less ugly and annoying than Miguel so I’ll take him... So why such a long post about a Valencia side only I care about? Because for the first time in 3 years, I think they might just take points off Barca tonight. Last year, they were the ONLY team (in all tournaments) to have majority possession in a game against Barca (51% at the Mestalla... and I’m quite the sure the next highest number would have been hardly 37% by Villarreal/Atletico), a game they lost 3-0 thanks to Messi and his party-pooping ways (not in the scatological sense, that would be Madrid and their Kaka). Shifting away from 3 ball-playing MFs has sped up their transition to attack, which is a way better plan against Barca (case in point : Barca-Sociedad last week) than ruminating with the ball in the middle of the park (especially ironic given bloodthirsty predators like Pedro, Alves, and Xavi ripping the grass out of your mouth even before you regurgitate it up your 4^th stomach...an image that completes the process of vaporizing the analogy beyond limits of even the methane that half digested rumination could supply). Assuming the same formation as Gijon, if Albelda, Ruiz, and Rami have the quality of game they had on Saturday, and with Pablo H., and Ever’s consistency never in question – I’m going for a 1-1 draw tonight, Betis to lose – Valencia to stay Liga 1^st.

Which brings me to my weekly Football Happiness Index, a linear algorithm of Green minus Red on League positions that determine whether I sleep with a (x> 0) smile on my face, (-5<=x<0) a snarl with disturbing mutterings, or (x<-5) don’t sleep at all instead staking out nearest EPL fans with burning torches and dart guns laced with the venom of Polynesian snakes science hasn't even discovered yet... Greens : Valencia in top 2, Villarreal/Atletico in top 4, Madrid out of top 5, Sevilla in bottom 10... Juve/Roma in top 3, Napoli in top 7, Inter/AC out of top 7, Lazio in bottom 10. ManC on 1, Arsenal in bottom 10, Rest EPL teams to die violent deaths, the kind that were disqualified from Saw series for being too ghastly. Complement set of above to be Red. As you can see I go to bed (notice not “sleep”) with a score of -13... Any industrious sleuth who links this article with tomorrow’s news report of violent death of fan in East India region, will also be subjected to similarly well crafted demise (and that goes the same for the industrious sleuth who links the article with death of the industrious sleuth who linked the death of the EPL fan in East India region, and so on so forth..until only Liga fans and un-industrious sleuths are left standing). That being said, maybe I should remove EPL from my Happiness Index algo.