Can't have your Kaka and Eat it too...

a) Let not slander be spread that I'm smart enough to know what dynamic plotting is. Or if it doesn't even exist, let not slander be spread that I came up with it...
b) If you're going to ask me why I've plotted Banega on a lower performance curve than the other idiots on that graph, despite me saying he's on par with Iniesta (and hence rank 2 in world), I'm sorry to inform you those graphs mean nothing, except that alcohol is probably more important to Economic theory than education...

Managed to stream the Copa Clasico after all, and the Valencia demolition the next day too. Quick word about Che - Parejo is a real sad alternative to Sergio Canales, the idea of a MF 3 with one dynamic element making runs into the box (like Cesc for FCB) did seem to be working more than Topal/Costa 3rd MF last year, but now with Canales gone, neither Feghouli nor Parejo have enough quality to pull this off - Still don't see why Emery doesn't go with Albelda - Costa - Banega. Juan Bernat got a rare start, but Piatti also ed - and neither really looked comfortable compromising their stronger left wing position, with the latter impressing once more I'm quite confident I can call for his first team inclusion without sounding like the morons who berated Lippi for not considering Giovinco after his 2-3 vaguely exciting 10-min substitute appearances!!(much like how Ox has suddenly become 1-2 watch out for haha). 7-1 demolition of high-flying Levante, but worrying lack of a final confident stable first-11 and formation, with a chaotic 4-4-2 this game that had Piatti behind Aduriz which unfortunately did not suit Piatti who isn't quite Messi false 9 material atleast yet.

The Clasico was splendid, Mourinho did what I thunk by going with the double pivot of Lass-Alonso, and replacing Benzema with Higuain. But he included Kaka and they played some frenetic possession winning and attacking football that sadly went faster than they could really control. I can't stand Higuain, but I do find it unfair he comes in for criticism after having an ineffectual game like this one if the tactics don't match. He makes intelligent runs and has great awareness of where the goal is, helping him get his shots off very early. A game where the MFs are too busy running with the ball, or at max passing with the expectation of finding their burst into the box wastes him. But he's an asshole with scary looking fangs so I'm glad. Passing penetration improved dramatically when Benzema replaced him. Ozil had a 30 yard shot that hit the post in the first half, summed up this lack of passing focal point with Higuain working the channels when Madrid want to sustain pressure, contrast with Benzema in the second half where from the exact position Ozil slid it to his feet and then collected the return inside the box.

Back 4 : There was a bit on ZM about Arbeloa being a natural rightback so handled the game better than Altintop did last time. Firstly, Altintop looks extremely comfortable on the ball at RB, secondly Arbeloa has been used at LB ever since he came to Madrid, a LB position where Coentrao has been woeful! Keeping a dirty b*****d like Carvalho out was brave, and ill advised, his stopper position is key against the False 9, a position Pepe could play but didn't, and Ramos just can't play. Ideal back 4 - Ramos at his best in RB, Pepe Carvalho, Arbeloa LB. Ramos/Pepe let Messi run in from deep (who Carvalho would have stepped on/bitten/wedgied long before he got to the box), and Arbeloa left Abidal with more space than Pepe's brain - goal.

That brings us to the post subject Kaka, who seems to be enjoying the fact that Expectation is a decaying function that follows the depreciation of transfer fee over 5yrs. His performances have not been better, but for some reason he ends up getting rave reviews. Now and then he takes a very pretty touch, turns, and curls one in the corner, but enough about his bathroom habits... sometimes he scores nice goals after collecting inside the box, but his involvement in play has been quite disruptive. I say disruptive because it pushes Ozil onto the wing, where he doesn't get to dictate much. Case in Point - 4 on 4 situation with him running at pace down the middle, Ozil-Benzema would have played off each other and burst through, instead Kaka goes wide to Ronaldo who takes a shot from an unlikely angle, momentum wasted.

I've not seen the best of Kaka ever since Ambrosini sealed a very solid double pivot with Gattuso in 2007-08. Pirlo was fading, and Seedhorf is a fat arse gnu. Technically, I'd have expected Gilardino to be compatible with Kaka, but he wasn't. Next year saw Ronaldinho and Pato change the balance onto the left wing, and Kaka looked a shadow of himself. Strange thus given this radical decline with a prima donna left winger like Donkinho, that he wasn't a clear Lemon for Madrid with their Ronaldo acquisition in the same year... There was a lot of talk last year about Kaka returning to AC, but despite Nocerino and Aquilani looking like they could play very well around him, no way Robinho and Ibra can. His only hope is for Di Maria to come back soon, and Mourinho loses his mind and plays a 4-4-1-1 with Ronaldo - Alonso - Ozil - Di Maria - Kaka - Benzema. Don't see Kaka stamping his authority on a game any other way... lets ask Pepe though

PEPE : Psycho Evaluation of Post-traumatic Epilepsy

Copa Del Rey second leg today and tomorrow, wont be watching because I'm now a regular on the clubbing circuit and paparazzi favorite, plus no one telecasts copa del rey in India... The furor around Pepe is quite amusing, like Mourinho said. This maniac was born with red mist in his eyes, the Messi-hand stamp is quite likely one of his tamest offences ever, I'm sure even he's quite ashamed to follow up a record of frenzied hacks and gruesome stomps with this tiny little prance on one finger. Banning him from football would rob us of the kind of life Tennis robbed us of when Safin and Jeff Tarango left. Violence! At least keep him here long enough for him to poetically die by the sword, we owe him that much. The post title refers to a stunning revelation by goal.com that he only gets violent if things are going badly for Madrid....WHAAT??? you mean frustration doesn't set in while cruising at 5-0 and already dreaming of the Sangrias???

On to the late Madrid kickoff against Bilbao, yet another night that was done within 2 minutes, and the game was no different either... Frustratingly facile comeback victory after Bilbao really took it to them for the first 28mins, even going ahead. I've always quite hated Karim Benzema, he had that overrated overpriced overpredictable overfrench look about him that made me hate Robben and his fairy prancing onto his left foot to then shoot. But I think I've done him a disservice, the game hinged on him moving from left wing to a FW position, and his touches under pressure in the box are critical to this team. If you've seen Madrid over the last 2-3yrs, you'd know a majority of their goals (those that aren't Ronaldo set pieces or blatant counter attacks where their players outnumber opposing defense I mean) come from quite rapid passing interchange leading to someone bursting into the box clean through on goal. Very rarely do these come from the wings. On paper Benzema starts at FW, with Ronaldo on the wing, but within 3-4mins you'll see Benzema collecting from deep on the left flank and exchanging with Ronaldo who is both further forward and in the middle. This also keeps Ozil pressed towards the right flank, where he is wasted, and Alonso in his own half to balance a central part of the pitch that Ronaldo has hollowed out.

This game turned when Benzema moved back Center, and Ozil tucked in behind him. Their interplay is excellent, and both have a first touch on the ball that Ronaldo would pay dearly for if he were smart enough to know it was important... The equalizer immediately came, and then they just steam rolled their way past a very disappointing Bilbao side, which shot itself in the foot not only with its deep lying DF, but also its diverging attacks from center to the corner flags. RM don't switch too well between Counter Attacking mode and Sustained pressure mode, obviously, since the personnel deployed for each of these is way different. By now, you've read the articles on the radically attacking first team Mourinho fielded this game, and they were in sustained pressure mode. Opposing teams should be smart enough to know this difference, to hence play a higher line. With the FW's only acting as a focal receptacle to draw defense and create the hole for a deeper player to burst in, they play with a lot less pace, and hence should be countered with a much higher defensive line focusing instead on the deeper players. Contrast with their Counter-Attack mode where the defense should probably fall much deeper.

Looking at the RM's attacking set up, I was quite optimistic about Bilbao's chances seeing as how they set up as a 3-4-3. But Javi Martinez neatly slotted into DF and made it a 4-3-3 for as long as they had 11 men, which really rarified the pressure on Madrid's attacks coming from deeper. Herrera had a great game winning possession and exchanging very pretty passes with Susaeta as they played the ball out of dangerous areas into attack very uncharacteristically since I've usually associated Bilbao with more direct outlets onto wide positions, then cutting in towards the final 3rd. Strange to see the opposite this time as they worked into the final 3rd right down the middle especially through De Marcos (who had a great game creatively, a terrible one finishing wise, just like Llorente) and then inexplicably diverged onto the empty wings there on... The start of the season pinned a lot of hopes on Muniain, and Javi - the former didn't see much of the ball, and the latter looks just as uncomfortable with his new hybrid role as Sergio Busquets did.

Barca can't make the same mistakes Bilbao made, since their high defense and MF pressure is the only way they know, but they might not need to. Like I said about Madrid modes, tomorrow's Copa is definitely a Counter-Attack mode game, which on one hand really reduces the impact Benzema can have, but also uses Barca's high line against them. What confuses me is when Mourinho mixes up his personnel when switching modes. Higuain not starting when they set out to play Counter is really strange, as is Kaka starting. But I'm feeling brave enough to predict a Higuain and Ronaldo combo, and a Cesc equaliser for 1-1 draw. Barca through to meet Valencia.

P.S why are all the articles focused on Mourinho-Ramos politics, instead of the hissy fit Ronaldo threw on the pitch after Alonso shoved him off so derisively!! haha that was incredible... Miiiaaowwww!!

Ox is the 1-2 watch out for

<Insert cartoon from Narz's post here. Remove girl and put jade guy.>

I expected zero points from the game and my expectations were duly met by Arsenal. They never fail to deliver zero points. It is only when I expect them to win that things kick in. At 1-1 I had foolishly begun to hope that we could salvage something from this game and step up the pressure on Chelsea but it was not to be.

1. It was going to be a game decided on the flanks and it indeed was. Giving Ox a start above Arshavin was a courageous and excellent decision by the boss but this meant even weaker protection for our fullbacks for Ox hasn't yet learnt how to go forward without abandoning his defensive duties. He tended to overdo the staying back part initially and was left out of position when his team mates were expecting him to have made the run ahead. More than once good passes from Walcott, Song and Ramsey found him out of position. When he decided to go forward and run at Evra he left Djourou undefended. But, it was his direct approach in a game where Arsenal struggled to attack at all that yielded the goal. From last night, it looks like The Ox can be a very exciting player indeed.

2. Showboating, selfish Nani completely dominated Djourou on the left wing and could have easily created more than three goals had he an inkling of what team play meant. He kept taking shots and going for goal on his own when he could have easily picked out a cross/teed it up for Rooney/Welbeck. Giggs, a more mature head and only player in the Manu squad I have some sort of respect for, did what Nani should have done and placed a perfect cross after easily beating Djourou. His first attempt from the left wing for Manu = goal.

3. The extent to which Arsenal's passing and movement was failing was clear from the number of long range shots attempted by Arsenal. It was frustrating to watch. A team known to make the foolish n+1th pass instead of shooting was spraying weak attempts by the dozen from outside the D. As Andy Gray said in FIFA 09, "the goalkeeper will take them all day long", and he did.

4. Last night I thought Wenger had lost it when he subbed Ox for Arshavin, that age was catching up with him and his stubbornness was beginning to cost us points. But it seems stupid to think that now. Wenger was the one who started Ox (dropping Arshavin) against Manu in a game that he himself described as "must-win". If he knew what he was doing then, I am quite sure he knew what he was doing when he was taking him off. What was apparent to millions on TV would have surely been apparent to Wenger. Wenger almost never subs at half time, but he did sub Djourou for Nico Yennaris, a reserve team player sent out for a PL debut. And that worked well didn't it? If he says it was because Ox was cramping then I am ready to believe him.

5. For all the Djourou berating it would do good to bear in mind that it was Vermaelen who left Valencia unmarked for the first goal. That's Valencia  beating Vermaelen in the air. Who would've thunk!

All said and done, this game wasn't a disaster. Nothing shocking in losing to a team that's just three points off the top playing with a team with 1-2 many injuries (heh).

Riding on Wingers of Fire

I guess I don't have to say above was based on true events. I also don't have to say I proudly answered the waiter in the negative when he asked... coz I had vodka in the colada... not that I, coz I have... I'm not... ok so I had vodka in the colada... The point is of change. Whether change is in fact inevitable, as stated confidently in too many movie dialogues, is still a matter of debate about why its inevitability cannot be changed too... But seeing as how I sat drinking idiotically overpriced cocktails listening to hindi music and watching ManU-Arsenal... and that if you'd asked me what I'd have been doing on a Sat night 2 yrs back in IIM, given my choices of watching football in the dorm, and sexing up tons of babes in a night club, I'd quite definitely have chosen to obviously... sleep. Rewind 3-4 yrs more in College if I had the choice of clubbing or sleeping, I'd have been playing football by moonlight. Rewind 4-5yrs more in School if I had the choice of playing night football, or sleeping, I'd probably have been sexing up tons of babes at a night club (I might have confused "computer in my room" for "night club"... honest enough mistake). So I find it mighty unfair that I changed enough to go to a nightclub on game night, just to watch a game with two teams that haven't changed one bit in the last 10yrs.

I'm quite reluctant to preempt the possibly impending but definitely insightful match review post from Tazimbhai (read : "he played well...scored... He played badly... conceded... overall they played worse, lost... but injuries and referee were true culprits), so I won't really say anything about this game that hasn't anyway been true this entire season, and according to me since 2007. The part in the preview about wingers turned about to be right I suppose, but unlike the the post and the quite-bad ZM article, I don't really see how this was the Arsenal fullbacks' fault, it really should be Wenger's and the Wingers' faults. Moaning about injuries is quite ludicrous, given I think man for man, the ManU team is quite completely bereft of talent, and severely inferior to every corresponding Arsenal player, except Nani, and Valencia (over Walcott, and Ox/Arshavin/ugly broomhead guy). My beef is that Wenger has stuck with this formation ever since I can remember, through thick and thin. I bring up formations not because I think they really determine tactical supremacy in themselves, but that they represent the best players on the squad, playing where they are best/ most effective.












The diagram shows just how static Wenger's 4-1-4-1 and "rampant wing play" has been over the years, with the one exception in 2006-07 (for some mysterious reason I can't understand, it also shows Arsenal pulled off an incredible miracle in the transfer window to replace David Seaman. And Sagna was probably too ugly to show up on the diagram even on paper). It used to work when they boasted of Pires, Ljungberg, or even passably worked for Hleb, but years later sticking doggedly with this system and hence having to field Walcott etc is just building for the future, a team of the past. The fact that most of their creative chances come from the wings is not proof it's working, it's proof how many monkeys with how many typewriters are really sitting on their wings these days. I don't really think Ramsey's dropped in form, far as I see, he's still positionally good, involved in play, and on the ball more than any other player, his efficacy after this is really down to opposition tactics and his own team's set up to receive the ball, more than a drop in form (and for the record, I can't believe they blame him for the Swansea goal, which fvckhead passed to him behind his forward momentum, and marked by 2 players!!).

Song is every penny worth the penurious-beggar's-Xavi description accorded to him by Tazim, and I've always been a fan of Yossi and Rosicky. Keeping them on the bench because they don't fit into the Wenger Winger Machine is rubbishing the one year in 2006-07 where they vaguely managed to play some attractive free flowing football - the year they dropped the width to stuff the channels with genuine ball playing MFs in Hleb, Rosicky, Cesc, and a deep-lying Persie. Hleb back wide next year, Arsenal back to ManU football and it's been the same ever since. For the amount of time Song spent at Left and Right back this game, he may as well have gone to the African Cup and showcased his talent in a formation that uses them. Talented central MF's seem to be wasted in a 4-1-4-1, and in teams with nice football - wingers tuck in so central MF's dictate, not the other way around (Giuly at Monaco, an Overmars clone, tucking in once he came to Barca, and the old Cocu/Enrique brigade was replaced by Xavi/Iniesta, and Rufete or even Joaquin at Valencia are just some of the examples I'm biased enough to bring up in the interest of sneaking in a few Valencia mentions...).

Saying they should shift to 4-2-3-1 with Song-Arteta/Wilshere : Yossi-Ramsey-Rosicky : Persie, is simplistic intellectual masturbation for all the good formations probably do after the starting whistle, but for all practical purposes they at least need to ensure the best players are in, and comfortable. All this whining about referees and injuries is really annoying when they have a team that should have beaten ManU if playing trump cards, but Wenger's static obstinacy extended to his starting XI and formation, not just his tight purse, his hilarious raincoat stolen from an Ent, and his insistence on saying sing instead of thing. Not changing to reflect a completely different set of players, and indeed differently evolved opposition tactics is quite dumb, this kind of no-changeness can only belong to an irresistible force like Barca that hasn't yet met an immovable object. Even their Valencia orgasmathon 2-2 draw was more of meeting another irresistible force than an immovable object, yielding a particle field of enough entropy to theoretically annihilate any anti-football matter... as you've by now guessed from the bursting-at-seams-liga-frustration, I of course could catch neither the Valencia @$#%&$&@ draw, nor the Barca romp, since punkbitch night clubs think the natural progression from EPL match, is FTV... which meant I had to spend an hour actually making conversation!! (the alternative was sexing up a bunch of dudes... whose attractiveness was admittedly growing on me after 90 minutes of Rooney, Nani, Djorou and a lot of etc..)

Adding injury to injury

Last time Arsenal played Manchester United in August they were missing ten of their first team players. They played with a team filled with debutantes who clicked together into a collective unit like a bunch of round pegs and square holes. The drubbing that followed prompted a string of insufferable 8-2 jokes. It's January now and the United travel to London for the return fixture but the injury situation hasn't improved even one bit. Yet again, Arsenal are without almost ten of their first team players going into a match with Man Utd. I can hear the the detestable scoreline jokes coming.

Utd tend to pack their midfield when playing against Arsenal. Last year's FA Cup they played with seven defenders with talentless thugs like O'Shea, Fabio/Rafael sent out to play in the midfield to choke Arsenal's passing. Credit to them, they do that quite successfully. When the midfield is crowded it becomes crucial to spread out play on the wings and utilise the space that opens up on them flanks. Which means you need to have wingers who can wing it and not blindly run like decapitated poultry. Some pace, some trickery on the wings and one can by pass the midfield buses. Which brings us to Walcott and Arshavin who on current form have all the pace and trickery of PC Sorcar's grandmother on a wheelchair. 

Utd are going to come and do that again. Pack the bloody midfield and stifle our passing, not that there is going to be much of it with Arteta injured and Ramsey playing like a quadraplegic. Vermaelen is our only hope for blocking Valencia and if he doesn't start then there is no hope, which is why he is our only hope. Valencia cross and Rooney header routine resulting in goal likely within first 15 mins. Nani is going to make mince meat of Djourou. Rooney is going to be all over Mertesacker unless Kos is supereffective today. And then there is Welbeck too. And what do we have by way of attacking response? Ramsey Rosicky who will be perfectly nullified by thug-in-chief Scholes, and Walcott and Arshavin who will be an improvement if they need nullifying of any sort. RVP can sulk alone up front. Joy.

Not a game I am particularly looking forward given how uneven it seems to me as of now. With our choice eleven fit I am sure we can give a game to anyone but the problem is we never seem to have our choice eleven fit. Or even our choice 5. Anyway, it would be good if Arsenal can pull a rabbit out of a hat much like PC Sorcar and grab three points out of nowhere. With Chelsea slipping up last night these three points are mighty crucial in closing that ever widening gap to the fourth place. Good luck, but not expecting much.

Review of a preview

We at punaltyshootout like our pies humble. We also like our hats salted and words tasty so that when the time comes and the general populace calls upon us to eat the abovementioned items we welcome the task with open arms. This is also one of the chief reasons we avoid writing previews for writing these pieces of purported prescience only leads to forced feasting on humble pies. What I want to say is we get things wrong. Like I did with the Man City previewing and like the other chief contributor among our massive writing team of two did yesterday with his el classico preview. Barca came, let in an early goal, scoffed at the stats which said they don't win games that often after conceding and proceeded to duly win the game.

While I am sure our other writer will in due course shed light on the various geometric shapes that adorned the bernabeu last night let me in the meantime chip in with a few observations through a EPL-tinted glasses view.

1. Ronaldo's tracking back was impressive. He made the dirty scoundrel Alves look like a chump all night and that's more than enough for me. His goal was more Pinto's fail than anything else although Benzema's waited and weighted pass that released him for the goal was brilliant. On a day where Mourinho had decided to defend and hit on the counter the goal had to come from Ronaldo's run and shoot. RM almost scored a second one when Benzema hit the woodwork after some excellent work from Altintop.

2. Pepe is a disgrace of a footballer. Out of all the scheming, conniving, card-waving, referee surrounding, play-acting, mouthing off about players who are under contract with another club-ing idiots at Barcelona, Messi is the only guy who comes anywhere close to a gentleman. His talent makes it unnecessary for him to indulge in any of these other petty nonsense. To tread on his fingers is just pure evil. And the play acting by Pepe when Cesc robbed  him off the ball...sheesh. Such shit defending for Barca's first goal too. Hope they just ban the bastard forever.

3. Cesc. What's he supposed to be doing? At various points in the game he was with Pique, alongside Busquets, playing in front of Alves, playing behind Iniesta, in front of Iniesta, alongside Alexis and in front on Alexis. Does he know what's he got to do? Does anyone? Or is he being controlled by a kid with a playstation console in the stands?

4. Iniesta is just too good. Whatay touch. That air ball which he took on his boot and let fall gracefully a couple of feet away beating the defender who was closing down on him and opening up space... fack. Whatay control. I prefer his run at players and try and beat them approach to Xavi's look up and pass safely to Valdez boosting passes completed ratio approach.

5. If RM's first goal came from Pinto's fail, Barca's first goal from Pepe's fail. After the defensive errors cancelled out it was Abidal who scored the winner for Barcelona. Brilliant vision from Messi and good run from Abidal. On a day where the forwards weren't doing much it had to be the defenders. Reminds of that Nike Barcelona ad..we are the defenders who attack or some nonsense. They show the revolting face of Alves if I am not wrong.

6. Fail refereeing all day long. Most of the yellows would never have been an yellow in EPL. Pepe's yellow for the "stomp" on Busquets was too harsh, and so was Pique's yellow for the "rough" header. The linesman was a joke and rightly riled the Madrid defence up when he did not give most of the initial offsides allowing Alexis to run and shoot. When he finally did wave Alexis for offside, TV replays showed he was onside by a mile. Good job.

That's about it. I can persuade myself to write only so much about teams that aren't named Arsenal. Will be back with a Arsenal-Man Utd preview trying to predict how things will pan out the coming Sunday. Yeah, we never learn.

Al-Catenaccio : Counter Terrorism

The Equity Brothers : Debt Equity Marai and Brand Equity Mandal try to crack Strat Consulting into the Football Industry

I've recently been informed there's an entire career involving churning out football statistics and data for savvy coaches. While I wasn't heartless enough to crush the dreams of the wide eyed boy who told me this (read : CorpoSpawn-King Dhruv), I feel less guilty talking about how depressing an idea that is, on a blog with complete anonymity (Do you realize how many football loving "Narzi" bloggers there are in this world, complete with inappropriate political incorrectness, toilet humor and sadistic tendencies....at least 2 I'm hoping). How depressing to analytically prove tactical fallacies and glaring red flags in critical fundamentals, only to then see the biggest fastest gorillas with 4 lungs stomp on said analysis like it was a particularly resistive unpeeled banana.

Take Catenaccio for example. It's not just sitting back and defending to then break on the counter. It's pulling the two lines of MF and FW of the opposition much closer together, and the line between DF and MF further apart. It involves a close MF and DF on their own side, and a FW and MF line pulling apart. I don't see why this strategy was so effective when teams with fast DF can just play an exceedingly high line (like Roma used to with Mexes, and Valencia back when Ayala was around, while Barca failed miserably against Inter with their genetically spliced horror mutant Snailtoise hybrid defenders). and teams with slow DF can widen the gap between their MF and FW lines by increasing the avg length of each pass. Seems simple enough to me, especially given the strength of FW pressing in teams like Barca and Valencia. Right? WRONG.

I frequently respond to a Valencia loss with the match stats on their overwhelming possession % and Passes Completed, only to hear that proves a team's naivete rather than degree of deserving-ness. In general, I scoff at this ridiculous concession of football's prettier aspects, but against counter attacking teams like Madrid, Chelsea, I agree. Not changing tactics to reflect a team with blistering counter pace is naive. It doesn't take an analyst to marvel at the number of comeback victories Madrid routinely have in the last 2-3 seasons, frequently going behind early in the game. The naivete comes in not reverting to a stable formation after going in front against them. On the other hand, Barca and Valencia get whacked on the counter every now and then, and just look jaded. Despite their valiant defiance and constant belligerence on opposing goal, not even fans like me get the feeling there's any hope against the phalanx in front of them. Valencia Sociedad game on Saturday saw Los Che retain 65% of the ball and lose 0-1. Madrid went behind to Mallorca and won 2-1. Barca gave up a 2-0 lead and looked dead at 2-2 before an Alexis fluke and Messi penalty gave them a flattering 4-2 scoreline and increased their pathetic Victories-after-conceding ratio to 29%. Tonight's Cup-Clasico is going to boil down to their 29% against Madrid's 82%, and it doesn't take Strategy Consultants to tell you which is higher (though they'll go ahead and do that anyway... nothing says 82 > 29 better than a pie chart inside a bar graph that extrapolates global housing prices).

But given its a significantly weakened Madrid defence, I'm going for 1-1 if Madrid score first, and 2-1 if Barca score first.

Arsenal in Dyer Straits

So I watched just this one game of football last weekend. It serves to keep the balance on this blog, you know.You don't want all of us (two in practice, four in theory) going on about diamonds in the hinterlands of boot shaped Italy about a match only two people watched: the referee watched because he had to, and this one other blogger because he is alone in Sikkim and has no friends and cries himself to sleep every night hugging the tv schedule of football leagues around the world. Sniff.

So Arsenal lost to a promoted team in a game which if they had won would have seen them steal a march (admittedly a small march, like one with only 8 days) on fellow top 4 contenders who had drawn that weekend. Nothing new you say? Nothing, except the promoted team did not weasel their way through to a fluke victory full of set piece goals and dodgy decisions (we will come to the penalty) like lowly teams in the past. Instead they utterly and totally dominated a hapless Arsenal in every department for the entirety of the game. Humiliating.

The stats of the game reveal all. Swansea had bulk of the possession and played in style, neatly passing the ball around. They pressed relentlessly right from the start and made it hell for our midfielders to keep the ball. In the absence of Arteta, the responsibility fell on Ramsey and Benayoun to hold the midfield and they failed  miserably. Bena doesn't have the ball-keeping abilities of an Arteta. He is more in the Rosicky mould and doesn't have the strength and presence of the Spanish midfielder to win a midfield battle against a pressing side. Ramsey, the less said about the better. He had a terrible game against Swansea, squandering possession like it was nobody's business. Caught heavy footed too often, the quick pressing Swansea midfielders robbed him easily and it was his mistake that led to the second goal. The first goal was his doing as well as he was the one who gave away the penalty. Now, on reviewing the penalty incident in ultra slow motion and zooming in 100x times it is clear that it wasn't a penatly and in fact Dyer had stomped on Ramsey before tumbling down. But these are things that are usually given by a referee on the pitch who, in his defence, is neither Zoomvisionman or Ultraslowmotionman (which makes the case for bringing more technology into the game, more on that some other day).

Swansea's front three were terrific. Dyer especially caused trouble equal to 120 Arshavins and 187 Walcotts and one roadrunner put together. It didn't help our case that we were playing with makeshift fullbacks on both flanks. Our left flank was so undefended it was opened as often as the number of football matches on TV last weekend in Sikkim (you would be amazed). Right flank was no better with Djourou essaying the role of a limp hunchback to perfection. Midfield was pathetic. The centrebacks tried to cope with the absolute rot all around but with much so much rot everywhere it is only a matter of time you rot too. The usually spectacular Szcczesny made an amateur  mistake for the second goal and got his angles wrong. Walcott sucked. Arshavin sulked. Rotten performances all around. Terrible.

Do I have some advice on how to fix the problem? You bet.

1. Stop sticking to failed cases: Song when he was shit still showed enough signs of non-shittiness to warrant sticking to him. He was young and could only improve and it made sense why Wenger was sticking with him. And he has repaid our faith. But for heavens sake, there is no point in playing Arshavin any more. Yes, he came in one cold January morning and saved our league that year, scored one "Wonder goal.. a Barcelona goal by Arsenal" but has done the square root of fuck all ever since. Sell him. Replace him. Stick with Walcott but don't make his position a secure one. Drop him when he threatens to become an Arshavin and bring on the Ox to provide some competition.

2. Buy a striker with actual money: RVP can only do so much. When things are not going too well you need a striker to step up from the bench and immediately have some impact and turn things around. That striker wasn't Chamakh. And it isn't Park (who was bought with Monopoly money). And it isn't Henry, bless him. What does it mean for Park who was bought last summer and hasn't played a single game till now? He was not even on the bench for FA Cup game against Leeds. I am warming to the idea of this striker bloke called Podolski playing with RVP. Buy him Wenger.

3. Defence coach: Sunday's post match interview was the closest I have seen Wenger come to admitting he was clueless about what's happening with Arsenal's defence. I am of the opinion Wenger doesn't how to teach defence. The famed Arsenal defence of Keown Adams Dixon Winterburn was inherited by Wenger. Yes, he knows how to spot and buy real good defenders (Sol, Toure, Cole, Vermalen, Kos) but not how to integrate them into a rock-solid defensive unit. There is the feeling that this set of dainty, technical players get bossed around easily and do not have the grit and presence to dominate defence. I never accepted this argument because I myself have a preference for centrebacks who can play their way out of defence, centrebacks who are comfortable on the ball and are of good technical quality. Which is why I like Kos to Samba and would never want Samba to play for Arsenal. But Sunday's limp, porous, weakhearted display gives credence to the theory that Arsenal lack it in them to be a strong defence which can keep clean sheets. So maybe, just maybe, Wenger needs a defensive coach to bolster that area of his team.

There are probably a few more things I want to get off  my chest but this post is threatening to be the war and peace of blogposts, so I will end it here. That kindle is going to read itself.

Wayne Ribbit

In hindsight it strikes me as embarrassingly unoriginal now.... Given the ending of Shrek 1... and the fact that Rooney looks like Shrek himself...
Goddammit.....

One Weekend to Rule them all

The. Perfect. Weekend. No I didn't have my usual dose of yacht parties and celebrity hook-up, and neither did my 3 fav teams register stunning victories.... BUT... I had Neo Sport and Ten Action (and a step son in ESPN for the fillers) on non stop rotation as I raked up Roma-Catania, Madrid-Mallorca, Valencia-Sociedad, Feyenoord-Twente, Atletico-Villarreal, Juve-Cagliari, Fiorentina-Lecce, Arsenal-Swansea, AC-Inter, and Barca-Betis in a grand total of 9 and 3/4 matches (Roma abandoned last 25min) who da man. but obviously in the process I also lost my job, a cornea, two vertebrae, a girlfriend, 11 pieces of chips down the unreachable recesses of the sofa, and 20 hours of my life. The. Perfect. Weekend.

Formations wise, nice to see a MF Diamond in Milan though they were all talentless buffoons who alternately spat on my MF Diamond obsession and peed on its grave after murdering it. A 3-4-3 at Roma that should not have worked but did, and one at Barca that should have worked but didn't. 4-3-3's galore and Rijkaard must be smiling gleefully at the way it has destroyed any other feasible formation trying to play against it. Arsenal show they laugh in the face of formations, and "dignity", while Villarreal form up in the face of laughter. Feyenoord-Twente could have been playing lacrosse for all I understood....except that Steve Mclaren hasn't ruined Twente, and LPool target for Suarez - Luuk De Jong luuks de bomb.

Things to watch out for if you know a few cents more than EPL - Atletico and Diego flying high, best atmosphere I've seen in Calderon all season tells me their fans know it too. Juve fans must be peeved at the way he's turned out so well after leaving. But their MF is no less talented now with Vidal and Marchisio playing around Pirlo nicely but less than effectively. Earlier in the season, I was quite impressed with Vidal's workrate, creative reverse passes and 1 touch play, which hasn't really changed now yet I wonder if his positional indiscipline prevents Juve from seeing the best of Marchisio. Despite all the people calling for his head, I continue to be a staunch fan, as long as he's given freedom to play trequartista. His touches while in the hole behind Matri and Vucinic yesterday were beautiful, and his interplay with Vidal is too, check out the goal build up. But the minute Vidal started bursting into the box consistently, Marchisio dropped back alongside Pirlo (who had a woefully bad game...) and looked quite unspectacular, very reminiscent of Gago in Madrid.

Vucinic on the other hand, despite all the rave reviews, continues to find a staunch foe in me. He would do extremely well in EPL and for some reason reminds me a lot of Berbatov, the very little I've seen of the latter. Watch out for Pirlo getting dumped off the first XI (quite painful for a big Pirlo fan for me to say), and Barzagli stamping his authority on Azzurri at the Euro, though I still think he was at fault for the goal, but he's fast, positionally brilliant, solid and unforgiving (professional foul on Cossu clean through - haha I love it!), and looks really nice... I really need to know what hair gel he uses....

Roma still making me shake my head with Simplicio in central MF a real travesty to the position Aquilani and Pizarro made their own. Just when Osvaldo was starting to look good, he's out and Lamela looks quite lame instead. Krkic fumbled around harmlessly, while Pjanic fought with Rosi and Taddei each wondering where the F*** each was supposed to play. So yet another Roma fail if it wasn't for De Rossi's rescue equalizer. God help them if he leaves.

Speaking of god's help, Villarreal are officially written off. I've finally seen Cani have a genuinely poor game (and not just an invisible one), while Borja had an invisible one. De Guzman useless as ever. But a bright spot in Hernan Perez stepping up on the right flank. Atletico on the other hand are godkissed for sure, not only is Diego looking unstoppable, but even godforsaken duck Tiago looked ominous!! Deadly games for Juanfran and Gabi, on the evidence of this season I'm unthinkably thinking the former should bump Ramos off the Spain RB at the Euro.

I'll leave the Arsenal match to our freshly returned-to-corposluttery P.Henry while I reserve the RM, Barca, and Valencia matches for another post on a day I don't have the prospect of a nice Gangtok moon night-walk hanging on my head like the soft yet well behaved tresses of Barzagli's hair...

The Offside Trap S02E01

The new season of Offside Trap focuses predictably enough on the winter transfer speculation. With Bayern looking the strongest I've seen probably since 2000-01, especially since I'm not one of those clowns who thought their 2009-10 UCL Final campaign was anything special. But this year, they're so strong they even managed to beat India 4-0!! (remember the time Barcelona came to the cauldron that is Kolkata and lost 0-3??? coz if you do, you might need to be institutionalized...). Which is why Berbatov (because he plays at ManU...) or Shaqiri (who had 2 assists against ManU) replacing Gomes or Muller sounds even more ridiculous.

Contrast with poor Carlitos who was my favorite player of the 2004 Copa America so many years ago (which obviously sounds a lot cooler than just letting you calculate how many years ago 2004 was and weighting it against my overall age to realize said time lapse qualifies for "so many", which obviously sounds less cooler than if I'd said it without an explanation), who clubs and managers are passing around like a South African woman walking alone in a dark alley. It is Cassano '07 all over again, and my hope with this story was the same as my hope for that story... Come to Roma!

Meanwhile in Roma, it is Cassano 05-06 all over again, with De Rossi's contract talks. Roma doing what they do best. NOTHING! Everyone has come out to say they'll push hard to keep De Rossi, but knowing Roma they'll probably just spend their energy pushing hard to keep other clubs from wanting to touch him instead. A paltry 5Million saw Cassano leave for RM despite Roma's outrageous tactics of stopping negotiation and instead starting a smear campaign that made Cassano as a player less palatable to top clubs, ironic given self-smearing is something Cassano never really needs help with. It hasn't come to that yet with De Rossi so I'm still hopeful I wont wake one day to the headline "Sabatini criticizes mercenary De Rossi and his reliability, warns others of his fickle nature.."

The Daily Post

This isn't a dig at the Daily Show, how they've managed to put out 2045 at least mildly entertaining episodes till date is staggering, even if 2000 episodes worth of airtime were just Jon Stewart looking at the camera silently with his admittedly amusing ironic grin. In fact this isn't a dig or rant at all, since hearing negative comments about the rants of someone as funny as David Mitchell as being "too ranty", really deflates any imagined right we thought we had to be... any kind of ranty at all.... except maybe of each other, just to preempt the impending rant on how ridiculously biased the previous anti-Henry post was, and how his first touch was in fact exactly what was required as had been calculated in that split second by the microchip inserted in that big head of his (which also leads me to think a rant on the post with unjustified fun-poking at Ramires, and his what was then assumed to be biggest head in the universe, would be quite warranted).

Instead, this post has a lucrative proposition for all satire and comedy programs. What's with the lack of football satire? Surely more people in the world are interested in football than in NEWS!!! Nothing ruins comedy like starting to ridicule a news story with a prominent politician and then having to substantiate it with hard logic and well reasoned arguments... On the other hand, we have Ashley Cole self photographing his manhood, Wscszxy calling Ramsey a rapist, and Balotelli...well just existing! How much primer material do TV networks need, all we have are some morsels thrown with sanctimonious alacrity once in three seasons of Mock the Week about Beckham's lack of grey matter and his wife's lack of any matter at all.. but before this turns into a rant, let me quickly give you the constructive solution. If something as monetarily successful and virally popular as PunaltyShootout can make the great crossing of vertical integration into Political Satire, surely then equally successful political satire shows of almost commensurate viral popularity would be happy to make the reverse step of including football satire, if only through the ironic gateway of satirizing PunaltyShootout the football blog and its doomed foray into political satire....

Obviously, we do not know anything about politics, nor about viral popularity or monetary success, our point was for ZonalMarking to land on this site by accident, coinciding with an inexplicable outage of their internet, and all other windows, thus forcing them to read this post, be supremely inspired and then churn out a post on tactical formation of the House of Lords backed up by chalkboards indicating position with most chairs thrown and intercepted rotating on the axis of average vocal intensity level distribution across the room. This then leads to Jon Stewart covering it for 10 seconds before staring suggestively at the audience for them to think up and be amused at whatever humor they believed he was getting at in the first place. Next thing we know, footballers from around the world are ruthlessly ridiculed on every major network, Jack Wilshere shuts down his twitter account after being spattered by eggs and laughter at every public appearance, and Jose Mourinho gets shafted by a pineapple. And it all began here, the day we decided to stop boo hoo ranting and get up and do something about it. Word.

DemoMission Man

On the apt occasion of the blog's comeback after new year debauchery break, comes the initial fending off of pre-post comment barrages like "how th f*** have you even watched that movie... and well enough to reference..." with a) what an awesomely idiotic movie!! and b) How philosophically portentous especially of Stallone still coming out of retirement every year even in 2032 to make "Rocky part 695, Balboa vs Cyborg". On the topic of which, why couldn't they have made "Real Steel" atleast mildly tolerably by removing that repugnant kid and replacing it with Stallone battling 1000 tonnes of metal cybernetics using HEAARTTTTT!!!!

Small diversion notwithstanding, Scholes and Henry return to the two most despicable teams in the footballing world. Arsenal fans came away from last night's Leeds match thinking "what an incredibly Henryic goal to signal his return", I came away (from the 1:45 min highlight video on youtube, which was still 1:44 min too much exposure to EPL for me, severe anti toxin purge on the cards this afternoon) thinking, what a f****d up first touch that was??? Is it just my over critical EPL hating ass, or would any EPL defender with self-esteem have pounced on that terrible first touch like it was Wayne Bridge's girlfriend??? Maybe he did it so fast it looked slow to the naked eye (figure it out..... and then tell me, coz I haven't yet....) but the only unbelievable thing about the run, the offside trap, the first touch, and the shot was how the defence seemed stuck in cryogenic suspension waiting for Stallone to come out of retirement again... But if they're happy, I'm happy I guess - one less excuse for them after they lose horribly.

I'm still waiting for the news story about Pires, Ljungberg, and Vieira all returning too. One big saggy scrotum convention. It's no big newsflash that Arsenal fans "live in the past"....they're Arsenal "fans" because they still live in the past, what self respecting present-liver would support these morons!!! (lets leave out the bitter backlash on Valencia's last Liga back in 2004 shall we... they still play orgasmically enough to fan-ise) But these twin comebacks hopefully hint at a few more, especially these 5 Top Comebacks I'd Like to See

5. Roy Makaay to Deportivo - How depressing to be someone like Riki... 1 goal every 10 games or so, playing in the second division with no future.... (I'm leaving out the part about me working 9-5 while he's probably sleeping with 4 supermodels right now...) It's nice to see Deportivo storming their way back to Liga, currently 3rd in Segunda just 2 points off Valladolid. Less nice to see Valeron fade away into oblivion, and jobless retired Makaay sitting in Holland riding a bicycle and smoking up (unless that's not what all dutch people do....)

4. Zidane to France Euro '12 - Not often we get to see a brilliant player just....leave.... no faltering 2-3 seasons overstaying his welcome, no 4-5 seasons in US and the Middle East... just...gone.... leaving France with....who...Abou Diaby and Yann M'Vila??? Nothing delights me more than the prospect of watching France get carved up this year like a rotten orange (or rotten bleu) with Ribery and Malouda sitting on the wings playing rock paper scissors. Except maybe the prospect of Zidane back and assaulting someone else with his egg head!

3. Riquelme to Villarreal - Would have been just as nice to see Riquelme back in Argentina, but they have Banega sitting pretty (by "sitting pretty" I mean still trying desperately to dethrone Veron, who is no.1 on the top 100 "Go the f*** away"s I want to see in world football) and might not need him as much as sad Villarreal. EIGHTEENTH F*****G PLACE!! Geeeez!!! I thought that painful opening game against Barca was just a one-off.... Poor Borja Valero's been waging a lone battle in MF while Cani and Rossi just amble around completely disconnected from play. This would be my top desired comeback if it wasn't for a) Selfish interests and b) Pure sadism

2. David Villa to Valencia - Enter Selfish Interest. OK so he isn't retired nor is he in the wild, but just as well for the respect he's been shown this season at Barca. On particularly troubled nights, I soothe myself to sleep with the image of Villa in the Che shirt intercepting yet another horrrible mispass from Cesc, and then running 10 rings around him before flying through the air on a pegasus into the goal with the ball flowing out a golden urn held by a water nymph (if you missed that, he scored... and obviously the nymph didn't just disappear after the rest of this image faded). There's now talk of Forlan replacing the injured Villa, how orgasmic yet depressing a thought that is... Forlan fed by Xavi/Iniesta would reinvoke those wonderful Villarreal memories with Riquelme, but then depressing because troll Cesc would probably intercept Xavi's throughball to Forlan and then proceed to give it away. Assuming of course that Forlan even starts in Pep's Cesc-machine.

1. Beckham and Nistelrooy to ManU - Enter Pure Sadism. It's psychology 102 that people love to hate more than they love to love, my lining the toilet with ManU posters to routinely defecate on, rather than Valencia posters on my bed to routinely ...well... is testament to that (Psychology 101 is that anything you say is connected to shit and sex, so you may as well do it explicitly and save psychobabblers the effort). It's been quite alarming just how much hate has been robbed from me with Becks and Nistelrooy disappearing, and ManU filling their team with a laudably faceless personalityless bunch of nobodys. There's only so much defecation you can do on Park and Evra's faces, and any defecation on Rooney's face might make him better looking so I didn't bother. ManU fans keep ooh-ing this team being about Ferguson and how noone is bigger than the club...WELL HE'S BIGGER THAN THE CLUB YOU IDIOTS!!! Down with megalomaniac, up with respectably despicable cretins who are on the field.

Resolutionalizing Football

A disturbingly nice article on the Tunisia - Catalunya game on Goal.com here, disturbing not because they will soon take over the world and incite revolution among all minority sub-countries with their own languages and football club, but because the catalunya-less Spain side looks just as formidable. Replace Cazorla with Mata, push Silva back into MF as top of the diamond and revive dying duck Torres for front 2 and you have two spanish teams fighting none but each other for the world cup the way RM and FCB are fighting each other for the UCL this year and the last. On the other hand, we have England still calling themselves "British" and watching the 3 best players of 2010-12 in Charlie Adam, Gareth Bale and Aaron Ramsey, also "British" but playing independently for Scotland and Wales. How dearly would they like a reverse revolution to gobble these up and front a Britain team for this Euro!

Pep went on to talk about Catalonia and the Catalan people in the interview, stoking the fire of separatism in his usual "like..how can you not agree with me...I'm talking quietly and confidently!", something England and FIFA should fiercely support if only to balance this ridiculous inequality of talent creaking precariously on the Spain end of the scale. If FIFA were to take a cue from England's honest acceptance of their athletic shitness in keeping alive cretaceous fossils like the Commonwealth games with India, Belize, Burma, and the Solomon Islands just to win something, they could separate Spain from international tournaments and make them compete with just their colonies. Of course this would mean a tournament with Spain, Catalunya, Argentina, Chile, Uruguay, Paraguay, Peru, Colombia, Venezuela, Mexico and another tournament with.....the rest. No points for guessing the viewership of the latter. Unfortunately this is also a slippery slope with then being a BundesPolishLiga, a French African League, and the National Black Basketball Association broadcast from the Staples center while the real NBA gets recorded on an iPhone from the high school gymnasium next door, with Steve Nash and Jason Kidd playing 1 on 1 waiting for Nowitzki to come out of retirement once a year for the all-star 3-point challenge.

But there's a loophole we can exploit (by "loophole" I don't mean "third world nation"), seeing as how the Spanish colonies got independence before the British/French ones, how about just moving the colonial-squad-inclusion criteria back a few years so England can absorb not only the Bales and Adams, but also the Essiens, Ayews, Gyans, and Mikel Obis while Spain and Portugal wistfully look at their South American colony squads that could have been, and regretting their early independence grants. If there's two teams today who need some solid colonial help, its England and France. If FIFA actually allowed France to field Eto'o, Song, Keita, Drogba, and Yaya, maybe they wouldn't have to stage internal strife in these countries just to steal their abandoned babies back to France to play in Lyon and Marseilles as "naturalized citizens". Meanwhile, cutting of the Spanish melon is going to give us Basque, Catalonia and next quite possibly Andalusia and Galicia, we already have to watch 2 years of qualifiers involving Faroe islands, Malta, and Andorra!! All that build up just to watch them fall like dominos while 1 team just dominates the testicles out of everyone else. Banish world cup and just have the Imperial Cup with Spain, Portugal, England, France, Holland, Germany and Russia each fielding their respective third world slaves, winner gets to annexe a colony, rape its women, kill its men, and throw its children into the bondage of football academies!