Coachie Coachie Coo

Fiiinallly, the manager I love to hate gets the axe. Next stop, I hear Barcelona have done a bit too well in life, how about we send him there to even the playing field. Considering he's flayed my 3 fav teams Valencia, Roma, and Juve, only Barca left really. He leaves Inter after a fantastic Juve win 2-0 on Sunday, an Inter in 8th place, an Inter Mourinho continues to talk fondly of besides Chelsea. Chelsea on the other hand, play his old (and maybe even first?) club Benfica in an hour or so, and I was in the bathroom, and hence without access to the mute button, long enough to hear the as-excellent-as-ever Ten Action panel (Humpty Dumpty, Draco Malfoy, and the Golliwog) discuss how De Matteo keeps the Chelsea job after (and as an afterthought - "if") they win the Champion's League.

But seeing as how my top secret stem cell research to transplant Bat wings and bumblebee Mass to Wing thrust ratio into my pet pigs wasn't successful meaning they won't be flying anytime soon (unlike me and this Manali cream...) - let's discuss their coach next season shall we, after their imminent semi-final exit to a certain Barcelona. A certain Barcelona whose coach's good name was sullied in connection with the Chelsea position, up against none other than the good sir Mourinho. The good sir faces Apoel in an hour, handing out grinless ironic praise for Nicosia, but most definitely already looking to the semis against Bayern, who in turn will want revenge for his victorious Inter in the 2010 final. At least they get to host the final, where Barca should be clean through barring a hiccup at the San Siro, the stadium whose blue half will be hoping for Pep in their corner come next season.

Annoyingly rapid frames of reference shifts aside, AVB looks the favorite to inherit Ranieri, as Inter roll out the welcome mat that says "Failures welcome here" much like AC do with Geriatrics, Mdrid with Pricks, Juve with Rejects, ManU with Homos, and Bolton with Life Insurance Goldmines (geez hurry up and die already, then we'll only get one match worth of 2 minutes silence, now it's every single game just for a "get better soon" silence!!!). He inherits a team that is just as pathetic at his purported "energetic pressing and closing down" game as Chelsea was, with still-starting has-beens like Stankovic (whom I've nevvverrrr liked) nearing retiring age aka free transfer to AC age. I gleefully welcomed back Simone Pepe to the Juve starting XI and he ran riot against Nagatomo and Poli, while Vidal showed Inter (and sadly even Marchisio) what pressing meant. Forlan and Milito, though, brilliantly hard working and selfless as usual, I hope (with some degree of logic given the kind of role he seems to want from forwards) they get a run-in together more often under him if he does come - these two, along with Zanetti and Samuel, are the only saving grace of this despicable team (ok so I've named almost 40% of the team...bite me)

I have a stream!

Stupid Sky telecast rules meant that I had to catch Arsenal's games on dodgy pixellated internet streams with Urdu commentators spitting into their mikes. Khuda hafiz, even in the best of times my knowledge of Urdu is sketchy, but it was even more confusing when in the first half Arsenal were playing left to right. High resolution pixels like those on shady streams have a tendency to make every player on the pitch look like a slightly modified version of Theo Walcott, so I was left watching a team that among many other Walcotts consisted of a black beaded hairstyled Walcott, a dyed hair Walcott, tall left footed Walcott and a Walcott look-alike Walcott. Walcotts on the bench, Walcotts on the sidelines, Walcotts in the crowd. Walcott walcott everywhere, not a.. okay you get the pixel.

The game as such was nothing to write home about (quite like the previous games, which is why I haven't been blogging okay ah). The usual Arsenal 4-2-3-1 mightily steamrolled right through the bus that Villa were just reverse gearing into position. Except it was one of those used Ashok Leylands with missing parts and made of paper. Right from the word go Arsenal were on the front foot, effortlessly keeping possession and pressing hard when they didn't have the ball. A lucky goal from Gibbs, a cool finish by Walcott after a perfect Songnandez pass and a blistering free kick from Arteta won us the game.

Spurs drew with Chelsea the day before and Liverpool lost their fixture against Wigan. This leaves Arsenal 5 points ahead of fifth placed Chelsea and 3 points ahead of fourth placed Spurs. With 7 games left in the league and games against Chelsea and Man City left to be played this run-in can turn out to be quite tricky. Spurs have no toughie/tricky fixtures and can be easily expected to scoop up all available points from now on stepping up the pressure on Arsenal. Although finishing in the top four would be an incredible achievement in itself given we were 17th in September, finishing third would be even more glorious. More so because of finishing ahead of Spurs. A few careless draws here and there and a loss to Man City could setup the penultimate fixture of the season - Arsenal vs Chelsea - to be a thrilling top 4 decider. Which sets me up to mention that I have tickets for Arsenal Chelsea. Booyakasha.

In other news, it turns out fellow la liga watcher (heh) Narz might have been right after all about Bilbao. I managed to catch only the first half of their game (on a dodgy stream this time with Italiano commentaryiano ) against walking billboards Gijon (only the crotch area of the players doesn't have a brand's logo on it, not that I was looking at the crotch area..) but what a difference from their Manu games. They were so sloppy in possession that it was as if they had 11 Cesc Fabregasses in their team. In spite of some poor play from the back four, the midfield duo of Munain and De Marcos along with Susaeta managed to string some flowing moves that at least sped the ball away into the final third when they finally ran out of ideas or legs or both. Quite undeservedly they were about to take the lead from a penalty right before the break when Munain argued with Llorente about who would take the spot kick and ended up winning the argument and losing the spotkick. I couldn't be bothered to go back to the second half abandoning Eddie Izzard who was going on about Achilles who had protected his heel with a fuckoff concrete block but as a result couldn't move and had then made into a hovercraft kind of thing to glide around only to go back home and reverse  the suction on the feet to convert his heel into a vacuum cleaner. Bilbao second half. Meh.

Los Chi Thu. Kandraavi.

Regarding the embarrassing display of knowledge about current affairs crap like "Arab Spring", I can explain. Unless classics like "Remote stuck on News when surfing for Adult entertainment", "I had a dream....", and "Was in a Playboy article, though I swear I only bought it for the pictures" are no longer accepted. In which case, I invoke pathological prerequisite of blog post to sound knowledgeable, more recently googled the knowledge - the better. On an unrelated note, I was just wondering perhaps Implosion could really be a key part of the gravitational collapse of large stars, leading to the creation of supernovae, neutron stars, and black holes. Did I mention this wonderage came to me like a rain drop slowly trickling down the window pane as I gazed into the murky fields outside marveling at how it was a metaphor for my murky inside. Now that we've sufficiently proved we are a blog and not a news site, (so far not helped by the adamant display and insistence of our ignorance... me about EPL, and Tazim about all things small and Non-Arsenal), a heart rending piece about Valencia's Implosion.

Hark, Valencia, thou art like a rain drop that trickleth down the medieval glass thing that will eventually be known in 100 years as window pane. Last month, I'd made another one of those by now patented why-couldn't-you-just-stfu comments about it not being the worst thing in the world for Valencia to slip out of their 3rd place limbo just to give them a kick up the rear. Unfortunately, by "out of 3rd", I meant 4th... for a week... before they rip roar their way back to third on a gore strewn path of bloody vengeance (one does not simply walk into 3rd place... too much? ...yea too much...), not 4th forever, and definitely not 5th forever! Banega out for like...ever... (which on the silver lining, might mean he smoothly ducks under the Summer Transfer Radar of most clubs) is not even the worst thing going for them right now, its a Mestalla that can't wait to Arab Spring on Emery's ass. 3 wins of the last 13 and they're now temporarily just 3 points ahead of Malaga and Levante (which of course also makes you wonder how many friggin points ahead they were end-2011) who will probably go level from their respective games tonight. Only bright side being they both play sides (Espanyol, Osasuna in 6th and 7th) who are also fighting for European spots so at least Valencia have the luxury of somebody losing out tonight.

For all the hanky waving, last night's Getafe game was actually quite good, 68% possession, neat good looking passes by Jonas, nice control by Parejo, excellent excellent Jordi Alba in a game where they conceded 3 completely EPL goals which I'm always more lenient in understanding. But composure zero, flurry of yellows, and Guaita zero in collecting lobs into the box. Keeper rotation this season has been brilliant at Valencia, Diego Alves great shot stopper and reflexes playing against terrestrial teams and Guaita tall and confident with crosses playing against aerial teams. Getafe aerial team, Guaita tall unconfident fail. But performance million crores better than abject game against Zaragoza midweek oh geez that was so incredibly horrible! Scary ass line of fixtures coming up - huge game vs Levante, huger game at Real Madrid, straight into European contenders Rayo, and Espanyol. Hankies away pliss. Meanwhile, Barca close in to 6 points behind RM, so Valencia out for blood now and having RM up in 2 weeks might just be nice for Barca, who can then invite RM to the Camp Nou in a nice do-die-oh-do-die-da end to the season which I'm still pessimistic enough to fear goes RM's merry way.

Man v/s Gaon

The two of you must be wondering why the blog's long break... unfortunately, I have simply walked into Gurgaon (though one does not...). So while I stared at my loaded gun, said my tearful goodbyes to noone in particular, and synchronized the slowly executed trigger push with the over syncopated mental process video of gun mechanism with bullet exiting barrel, I happened to have the time and energy to also switch on the TV and watch Bilbao cover ManU like a rash.... that was covered by really pretty ointment. Even simple good natured mountain boys like self need a lot more than Gurgaon torture to go ahead with suicide when EPL scum are getting slaughtered the way they are - red and blue of Manchester bundled out by red and blue(ish) of Iberia. So on the topic of simple good natured village boys getting dumped into unfamiliar unforgiving "big league" environments, I look at the 3 Bilbao games of the past 2 in-absentia weeks.

To begin with, big round of applause for fellow blog writer Tazim who shocked the world by watching not 1.... not 2... but THREE non-Arsenal games!! Not that he understood enough to review them, but on this blog we acknowledge and appreciate growth. So well done Brain tumor, good job. More unfamiliar than big-league Old Trafford pre-game awe Bilbao "would have felt" according to condescending English hat-eaters was the sudden EPL notice post-game awe. Suddenly EPL fans who thought La Liga was a video game featuring Messi and Ronaldo in 1 on 1 combat, were watching, talking, and greedily eyeing Bilbao (by talking I mean spouting gyaan about Spanish footballing philosophy, art, and literature). With good reason, they gave a wonderful account of themselves - Susaeta, Iraola and Javi in the first leg, and De Marcos, Muniain in the second being just the easily mentionable tip of a Bilbao berg that decimated ManU. My disappointment at ManU exiting UCL without giving us the chance to watch them get destroyed by Spanish opposition was thankfully like a 2 lb baby (I mean premature, not "jackal-bait")

I've followed them quite closely this year (Bielsa duh), and I've never seen them play that well, sure Susaeta Iraola combination had been great, Javi had rubbished my early-season claim that he doesn't look comfortable at CB, and the Herrera-Muniain link on the left was excellent, but none of this would have made a difference without the relentless pressing we saw in the ManU game, on a level I've never seen from them before. It might be too simplistic to wonder why they don't play like this all the time, especially poignant after they got creamed at home to Valencia yesterday 0-3 while playing a remarkably similar game to their ManU encounter, except that Valencia pressed back just as manically, and intercepted the very passes that ManU blinked at cluelessly. I can't figure out why English teams always seem at sea when faced with this kind of pressing, their game is supposed to be based on energy and speed after all. That being said, there were enough "oh crap ManU's got the ball, he's winding up for an agricultural heave into the box, where Rooney is making an unmarked run" pant-peeing moments to put things into perspective if I were to start singing about the innate superiority of Liga gameplay and its effect on the foregoneness of a conclusion in an EPL-Liga match up. In summary, I still don't think Bilbao make UCL spots, my money on Malaga for 4th (coz they really need my money....), but drooling at the prospect of a Valencia-Bilbao Europa final. Javi Martinez first leg : coaching manual on Positional play for CB with possession, as well as defending counter attacks - Nesta who!

Links Zwei-Drei-Vier....Funf.

The formal scientific proclamation that after years of simulated experimentation they still have no explanation for the non-human that is Messi, shouldn't hinge on last night's 5-goal haul, but for approval-seeking sell-outs like me, events like this game make for much better-supported conversations with chorus ooh-aah's than my previous attempts at discussing his mutant nature after a scoreless game where he only waltzed past every dungeon and dragon possible for 90 minutes without stopping. Hauls like these make you wistfully hope each of his goals be counted for two of Cristiano's brutish tap ins and indiscriminate battery - but that being said, it wasn't a lighthouse game for Messi on the manic-dribbling spider act front. But anyway, Holy sh*t did you see last night's game?? I know right!!! Like oh..my..god he is..sooo...amazing!! #oneoftheguys

On the links front, Sid Lowe continues to be part of my "blindly wopen and read it that one" list of internet schedule, joining mainstays like metal storm (did I mention Barren Earth's latest is expectedly exquisite...), Cyanide & Happiness, Wild-iyengar-boys-in-siliguri.com (whose last chapter I was forced to miss out on due to annoying trip home....), and Braille.com - with his heart-warming Bielsa piece that I recommend reading before tonight's game. This Michael Cox statzone preview had a bit on Pep's criticism of Cesc that was a scary echo of what this blog has been doggedly barking about. And finally, courtesy Tazim, a nice but unambiguous shot in the nads article for all us seriously sitting and making blogs with self important analytical bullcrap hoping some data crunch scout for a big Football Club stumbles upon it and signs us up...as Pep's replacement. Did I say us, I mean me. It's a real cut throat world in this intrigue filled ex-blogger now-coach field.

Buoyancy of the Indian Fan

Tazim recently sent me a veritable Napoli for Dummies, an article that I had all the reason to appreciate, and re-share with the seething mass of dummies there's never dearth of. But what a depressing article. 2 years of IIM-A usually means you're always bordering on the neurotic fear that the next day will bring a structured framework that robotifies love...life...friendship... and other such crap people seem to find important (along with the need to be cool, for example by rubbishing things people seem to find important, or by acknowledging the act of said rubbishing, so on so forth...). The only thing left for that article was to assign points for each aspect, weightages for relative importance of each point, and map on 3 simultaneous axes against other teams, finding clusters, time-shift trends, and probabilistic marginal utilities (the way I did 10 years back to arrive at who I would claim was my favorite team.....). The fact that this was required, along with the rider at the beginning about de facto popularity of EPL, in U.S (where the article is based) prompted around 5mins of snicker-accompanied Americosis (the by-default need to love to hate all things US and US-an), followed by 2 days of Indianosis (the well reasoned, carefully thought out arrival at the need to hate all things India and Indian.... a condition not to be confused with the band that released such hits as "Mere paas Khade raho", "Gussa par peeche mat dekho", and "Wonder-deewar").

There's only so much you can laugh at their self-obsessed MLB, NBA, NFL, NHL etc before you say hey wait why we laughing... there's thrice as big a gulf in football interest and ability between India and U.S as there is between U.S and Argentina, optimistically. Actually I'm just kidding, there's thrice as big a gulf between India and U.S as there is between future-earth and the Arachnid planet Klendathu (which could also be interpreted as, holy shit those spiders is closer than we thunk!). So imagine how much more structured a framework article Indian prospective-fans probably need... Indian football fans can't stand Indian football fans, and with good reason. a) Indianosis, b) ok i haven't really got past the Indianosis to think rationally about why else I can't stand them. For eg, Indian ManU fans hate Indian Arsenal fans, not Arsenal fans in general or even Arsenal players, hell they even hate Indian ManU fans, each assuming the other joined just during the glory years. The problem is choice. Ask a Valencia fan why he's a Valencia fan, and he looks at you like you're crazy while slowly spelling out "because...I....am....from Valencia????", ask an Indian Val fan though and I need to begin my tale at 2000, smoothly transition radical formations, inter-league influences, inter-country influences, and horizon cash flow expectations all culminating in an intricate preference matrix that points to Valencia fandom as the only rational choice.

Miss one small element, and I immediately have bloodthirsty Indian fans questioning my motives, methods, morals, and general hygiene, all of which I assure you are impeccable, except the morals part, unless you excuse the whole murdered-cripples fiasco... Obviously, I have less of a problem with this than EPL fans or Madrid and Barca fans, a little because my back-story is flawless and beyond reproach, but mostly because no one here really knows what Valencia is, with some wondering why I would think the ManU winger could win La Liga...or come 3rd.... So this post was really meant for Indian fans of above mentioned teams, I know you think you're die hard enthusiasts the team draws strength from, but they're really no different from a well explained school of economic theory you lean towards more than their less well explained counter Keynesian counterparts. However much passion we rouse up, it's as good as rabidly cheering on equation derivations, particularly depressing it's Euro season and we'll shortly be rabidly cheering on countries that in all probability hate us, massacred our people, and want to nuke us even now. I wont sign off this post by soliciting your thoughts, and respective objective frameworks, because I don't really care what you think. You're Indians after all..... geez. Now excuse me while I go listen to "Kya Kahaani hai, (Subah glory)".

Alpine Weekend Review

We follow the Tour and take a look at France, Switzerland and Italia today in action over the next week. Juve play out a draw and find themselves 3 points off Milan at the top, but with a game in hand on Wednesday so there's still hope. I just continue to be amazed they still haven't lost a game in Serie A yet. Simone Padoin, who joined from Atalanta in the January window, had a blistering game , must easily have been Juve's most fouled players (unless you count every niggling annoyance Vucinic went down for, what referees see in this guy to like so much I'll never understand). Marchisio was frustratingly invisible, and Pirlo had to rely on De Ceglie and Lichsteiner for passing outlets, which I suppose suited Padoin but not Giaccherini so that was a real shame. But Roma Lazio tonight, 2 points off Napoli (who have an easy game at Parma) and 7 points off Lazio and Udinese (who have a less easy game home to Atalanta), so time for Totti to go to the phone booth and put on his cape and red underwear (not coz I'm lonely...the game.)

Further up the Tour, since I know zilch about Ligue, except that PSG have a shit load of money they tried to prostitute Xavi with unsuccessfully, I'll focus on the midweek UCL. Marseille started a gleeful day of watching Ranieri inch closer and closer to the inevitable guillotine, with Valbuena and Azpilicueta (yes I had to google Marseille Right Back for that...) ripping Inter apart. Hope they dump Inter. Basel completed the gleeful day of watching a possible exit for my arch foes Bayern Munich, quite ironic that Shaqiri gets to sway his hips to Bayern bosses in the crowd after all the transfer speculation. Hope they dump Bayern. Lyon get a through pass as usual, but needed a struggling 1-0 against Nicosia, a game even I was too jobful to bother watching. Hope they get dumped by Nicosia.

Thus concludes Alpine weekend review, which obviously sounds a lot more erudite than the deserved post title "A brief mention of 2 games in Serie A and 3 games in UCL. With associated Ranieri-decapitation imagery par for the course." Did I mention how the guillotine is kept at the top of the ski slope, and then his severed head bounces down the mountain picking up more and more snow becoming a devastating avalanche ball that falls on the entire Lazio team during the line up at the Olimpico (that means Caped and Red Undie-d Totti, mission-less, would be free...look out nearest TV reporter). Just saying, stranger things have been known to happen...like him getting another coaching job maybe......

Season Finale

Thankfully, the theme of season finale came up at just the right moment to take the emphasis away from the embarrassing fact that I just made the Eric Foreman connection after so many years. House MD ends this season, and while I haven't been the most keenly glued watcher after season 3, I am quite peeved it caved so easily and let Lisa Edelstein sleep happily with the disillusion that the show didn't survive without her uni-expression face. But it does please me to hear the season finale is going to feature an incredible cast. Copy pasting sneak preview below

Foreman : House, your next case, 31 yr old male di...
House : Not interested
Foreman : Well, I'm not interested in your being not interested
House : Well, I'M not interested in your black ass being not interested in my not being interested.
Foreman : Well, I'M not interested in your junkie ass being not interested in my not be....
(cut 32mins of similarly intellectual banter...)
Foreman : 31 yr old male dipped by his mother into the river Styx by the ankle. It renders him invincible and he effortlessly destroys all his enemies, but that fateful ankle fells him... again... and again...
House : Vicente Rodriguez is on the show??????

BAM! just when you mentally cursed the football blog for yet another post that had nothing to do with football, how bad do you feel now, mongoose dead, blood everywhere, baby pissed off. In my farewell post to Vicente, I'd mentioned becoming a Brighton fan for this season, I hang my head in shame to now inform you I was just kidding, It was wrong, I shouldn't have misled all of you. But in my defense, he went there and promptly got injured. By the time he made his recovery in September and started a game, I had stopped checking the hugely popular (servers usually down due to excessive traffic) Brighton news page. By the time I restarted checking said page, he had quickly started TWO games, got fouled 10 times, won a penalty, made 1 assist, scored 1 goal, and picked up (you're thinking a card right?) an ankle injury again. Returns, makes 2 sub appearances, picks up 3 assists, and currently still not recovered fully to play. 2 starts, 4 sub appearances. Season and Show Finale. Goodbye forever Achilles Rodriguez. So anyway now that we got that stuff out of the way, where was I...yes..House... (Mongoose watching you....no sudden moves now.....actually for purposes of increasing intimidation value at the cost of fable accuracy, I move to replace Mongoose with Honey Badger. not so mental-cursey now are you.)....