CorpoSpawn : The Equity Brothers

No spine curling Bill Pullman speeches this 4th of July. For it is a dark day, maybe the darkest of days...the sluttification of Batch 2011 is complete, and 2 more footballing personalities have been claimed by the vile underbelly of society known as CorpoSlut Inc (with their evil CEO Dhruv). Now only DarkNarz the Flame Serpent of the Los Che Clan remains steadfast against the fast spreading corposickness that plagues MiddleIndia (Ahmedabad), but even he cannot stand long against this horde that grows with each soul it captures (think "Night of the living dead"...or of course Chain catch, and Kings from school...). But for now, we mourn the loss of 2 carefree servants of football (one who served with feet, and one with mouth) - Tazimbhai Vicelord of Gooner clan and Yumbhai Greatcalf the Clanless one, have discarded their names of old and taken on the new monikers of Debt Equity Marai and Brand Equity Mandal... known in hushed whispers as... The Equity Brothers

Using their mastery of CorpoSpeak, the Equity Bros took the football commentary world by storm, breaking down simple footballing news into complex derivatives of Capital Market analysis, faffy frameworks, and well constructed nothingisms.






















Before our first feature starring the equity brothers, here is a glimpse of what they do and how they manage it, using their latest comments on the ongoing transfer season and what it has to offer.

What they believe :

Debt Equity Marai (DEM) - Transfer scenario probabilities are uniquely dependent on structural fundamentals and related activity in similar transfer assets like livestock and oil. After cross referencing graphical trends of these adequately benchmarked collaterals, separating the chaff to predict the transfer is just a simple matter of applying basic intuitive 10th differential series.

Brand Equity Mandal (BEM) - What's important is to consider both stakeholders, and figure out what their needs are, and categorizing these needs by their relevance to any of 34 well named matrices. Segmenting the player pool by psychographics and aligning the value proposition to reflect proper shared vision can pinpoint a potential transfer with a whopping 12% accuracy.

How they do it:

DEM : I just project cash flows of the asset with due consideration to its accelerated depreciation and opportunity costs of superior investments in a comparable time frame.

BEM : I analyze any Transfer candidate using the 4 P's - Position, Pace, Power, and Penis size (the 4P was invented by my girlfriend. Curiously enough she dumped me the very next day, what a coincidence!).

Why they're always proved right:

DEM : My in-depth analysis leads me to share my result as a number, say 123. While everyone struggles to figure out what this means, the transfer plays out and i back calculate from said number and show how I meant the exact transfer that happened.

BEM : By making full use of the wonderful phrase "looking at it from all perspectives" to seamlessly transition sentences to their exact opposites, I am able to cover all bases and inject just enough ambiguity in my predictions to always be right whatever happens. Or wrong whatever happens... see in case I'm wrong, I'll be right about that...