The Dark Cloud and its Argentum Lining : Part 3

Bleary eyed fans bit nails and sat on sofa edges, nervously taking swigs of a fast dwindling alcohol of pink hues and suspicious origins (“nervously” less because of match and more because of people casting judgmental yet inwardly jealous eyes at the pink hue-ness of said drink) as the quarterfinal slipped inevitably into a penalty shootout. As the grisly nail graveyard behind the TV would testify, this edition of the Copa had not been kind to keratogenous membranes covering dorsal aspects of terminal phalanges (or pin-shaped fastener used in engineering, woodworking and construction..depending on which wiki disambiguation page you clicked...) with 3 penalty shootouts in 2 knockout stages. While the tender hearted quietly slip away to spare themselves the agony, one man calmly whistled in the corner oblivious to the tension that hung in the air like an alien mothership from Independence Day.. one man seemed insulated by his apparent knowledge of how those shootouts would play out.. that man is no other than..

Isaac Newt – Lizard Scientist

Maybe we exaggerated when we said "man", but Dr.Newt has shocked the world with an almost accurate polynomial that explains the degree of awfulness of a penalty during important tournament shootouts.

Isaac : Well its quite simple really, taking a set of data points from this transfer season and another set from transfer seasons coinciding with prominent Euro’s of the past – we can not only determine the probability of a penalty being awful, but also the degree of awfulness based on which quadrant the penalty taker falls, in my Transfer-Share Matrix – completely original and not resembling any other matrix in popular use today...

The Stars : These guys badly want to move, and are probably going to get the move of their choice. Tevez, this year, has made it pretty clear he wants out of Manchester (breathing the same oxygen as Ferguson??? Who wouldn’t want out!!). With Real, and Corinthians (till recently) breathing down his neck, he gets to be on the top left quadrant. So, even though his penalty is probably going to be awful, it’ll be the least awful of the lot. Evident from the Argentina – Uru shootout, sure his shot was blocked but it was a powerful drive to the side of the keeper, unfortunately the wrong side. We’ve seen worse. Same for Cocu in Euro 2004. Wanted back to PSV from Barca, was almost certainly getting his wish – misses penalty in the Netherlands – Sweden shootout..but all in all not a horrible penalty.

The Question Marks : Despite being irrationally quite happy where they are, either greedy management, or merciless management, wants to cash in on deals too good to resist. Since his vampire teeth weren’t enough for celebrity status, Madrid obviously want to ship out Higuain before he infects their stars with his lowliness. Though swap deals with ManC are the gossip-par-for-course on Goal.com, the fact remains RM’s search for some star strikers this summer means Higuain should be packing his bags. So then he goes and blasts an awful penalty, that was scored, but doesn’t take much away from its awfulness..

Dani Guiza in Euro 2008. An incredible 2007-08 Pichichi season with Mallorca, he was quite happy to stay and lift a club that was obviously on a giddying ascent, but somehow greedy management started stringing him out to complete INSULT clubs like Fenerbahce!! Awful penalty in the Spa – Ita shootout of 2008. So for national coaches with Question Mark players, it is important to make them stars by abusing their current clubs so badly they start wanting the transfer as much as their club. This might be counterproductive, as less-awful penalties like Tevez’s might end up getting saved while more-awful ones like Higuain’s are successful.

The Cows : Javier Pastore apparently had a great season last year, I was too busy not following teams from the mid to lower half of the Serie A to notice (the only game I watched was when they got mauled 7-0 by Udinese.. and Alexis Sanchez in particular, BOOYA WELCOME TO BARCA). Interest from EPL heavyweights ManU, ManC AND Chelsea must mean... nothing much, I never can figure out how these fools decide targets. But with no deal materializing, though Zamparini says he can leave, coupled with Pastore’s ambitions themselves climbing above mid to lower half of the Serie A (fighting for my attention obviously..) he is..... A fat-ass cow! Penalties are awful, little worse than the question marks. Terrible penalty in the Uruguay shootout that should have been saved.

Rui Costa in 2004 – little upstart Kaka comes along and relegates Costa to the bench, causing him to desperately look for a way out and realizing the only club who would possibly sign an old saggy has-been was the one he was trying to leave... The only Portuguese player to miss a penalty in that uber-cool sudden death shootout against England in Euro 2004. Again, at the risk of counter-productivity, coaches might consider bribing agents to push a move through for these guys and make them stars.

The Dogs : Personally, I like dogs more than cows.. even though we are their natural prey... but these are mutts that neither want to get off their lazy butts, nor find offers too forthcoming, but yet they are inevitably on their way out. Take Beckham in 2004, fish out of water in the 2003-04 season, and Carlos Quieroz, the only reason he ever started a game, got sacked at the end of the season. RM went on to run through coaches like a TT with his butt on fire, and Becks sat wondering if the cynicism from the crowd (my personal favorite crowd poster from those times “First Becks played...then he ran a lot and played a bit..then he ran a lot...now...um...”), lack of faith from coaches and president, and an injured Nistelrooy all made sense for him to leave. Trouble was, who th fvck wants that pretty boy homo!!! The dogs take the worst penalties, as Becks showed in his incredibly bent shot in Euro 2004 Portugal shootout. Nothing says sweet vindication like watching his crybaby face stare at the pitch like it was the reason he sucks.

Same year, same tournament, Zlatan Ibrahimovic scores almost the same penalty (miss). It feels strange to say this, but that was a year Ibra actually didn’t put himself out like my ex-wife (may her soul rest in peace... goddamn garden snake I’ll make you pay...). He had a great year with Ajax, who back then played football with a beauty and pace that could rival Roma’s Totti-Cassano days, and actually wanted to stay. No real offers either for the then-unknown striker (he only scored that oft-youtubed goal in the next season), but his head was just as big back then and his team hated him just as much back then. Faced with an inevitable edging out of the team, he skies the penalty into the crowd. So what should national coaches do about the dogs? Yeesh just don’t let them take penalties how hard is that.....

That was a presentation on my (ISAAC NEWT...thats 2 A’s) Transfer Share Matrix, which answers ALL questions and leaves nothing to ambiguity...