Bielsalona and the 3-4-3

My earlier Grimm post had waxed hopeful about Barca shifting to a 3-1-3-3 this season. 1st game of the season and that's exactly what they did. So obviously I must be happy.. I am, but only because I was proved right... not because the formation was their next step to galactic domination (which would be impossible anyway since they'd first have to get past ME AAAHHAAHA I AM TH..ok back to the post...). The game itself was quite bad, and I don't mean in a ohmygod it was so one-sided kind of bad...which it was, but that's for another day (a day when EPL fans have a chance to say "well..its Liga after all" without running the risk of me shoving the ManU-Arsenal DVD down their throats, although it'd be a nice change from what EPL fans usually swallow...). That bracket being said, quite a few Liga presidents did go on to say "well..its Liga after all", but that's also for another day (a day when Valencia didn't win incredibly and play incredibly and sit in joint 1st place. On second thoughts, let me rephrase, "that's for never...").

The game was bad for Barca too, they had as much an off-day as a 5-0 result against one of the best sides in Europe would allow. The 3-4-3 has the flexibility to turn talented teams into blindingly attacking teams, and organized teams into solidly compact teams. It turned Barca... into a frog... neither the ones that get kissed by princesses nor the ones that get electrocuted by dastardly iguanas using gullible ferrets, but rather the ones who are outside the purview of the only 2 famous frogs I can reference from pop culture... I trust you get what I mean somehow... They played the 3-1-3-3 that I thought would be awesome, but with Fullback width sacrificed for three tight MFs, they were forced to push Alexis and Pedro out reallllyy wide (the very reason Villa didn't start, which in itself was a transition to non-famous amphibian life forms). Not only did this completely nullify the give-and-go's the front-3 used last year, but also meant 1 MF had to jump into advanced positions beyond the false 9. Surprise surprise, this was Cesc.

Cesc played the exaaact same role Deco played in his first 2 seasons. Hover at the half line and frequently continue runs into the box beyond the forward (not to mention give the ball away 50% of the time, try ambitious through balls or blind lobs just to look smart, and fail miserably). It was after all a time when they played with Ronaldinho and Guily, who offered genuine width and hence needed a Deco, like this Barca 3-4-3 needed a Cesc. A consequence of him in the team was complete erosion of solid possession play in MF. No one had a good game, Iniesta had one of his worst games (before his 1st good pass of the night freed Messi for the goal and got him a 7.5 goal.com rating by default), Thiago struggled to control the pace what with Deco V.2 constantly choosing to surrender possession in pursuit of premature through/high balls, and Alexis was isolated on the wing after having spent last season doing what Villa usually does for Barcelona (a lesson for line-hugging Krasic if he really wants to drive Juve). Even Messi had to play a lot further up the pitch than comfortable, given the 4-man MF behind him and dispersed front line alongside.

Now here's the real belter....ready for this?...Keita....played well (THUMP...that was the sound of you falling off right? right??), he actually did. Goal.com gave him the lowest rating of all the Barca players, but for perhaps the first time in his career he did what a Barca player should and attacked players in possession rather than standing off and tracking, something I thought he couldn't change. He frequently won back possession in a game where they showed none of the intense charging-to-win-back-ball like past year. Overall, while everyone praised this change in tactic and the whole "wow he's so proactive, he's even changing what isn't broke" and Cesc-plaudits for scoring, I really felt this was a big step back from the dazzle they usually display. Even so, I'd rather not be the one to say "I just want things to be the way they were between us...4-3-3"... so if the 3-4-3 is here to stay so as to accommodate the extra man in MF, I'd really love if the width came from the MF 4 rather than the forward 3, like how Argentina used to do it with Sorin and Zanetti playing wingback. So how about Abidal-Sergio-Pique at the back. Thiago/Pedro - Iniesta - Xavi - Alves at MF and Villa - Messi - Pedro/Alexis in front. Cesc can get out his pompoms and help the crowd sing the Blaugrana song (which is for some reason starting to get on my nerves....that god awful ManU pub has ruined football anthems for me for life...)

One last word of ignominy for woeful Villarreal who woke up that morning thinking "aaah what a beautiful day, brush teeth, eat breakfast, enjoy the countryside drive, get raped by Barca, drink beer with friends, party, sleeep... what a beautiful day!" and all conspired to ensure that's exactly the way their day would play out. It was an insult to the incredible team they are, and they most obviously didn't even try, I really hope they reimburse my cable bill for this shameful night the way Arsenal reimbursed their fans... Cani is one of the few trequartistas left in football and he spent his time hugging the touchlines. Rossi and Nilmar play wonderfully off each other and they didn't once exchange a pass, instead skulking on opposite sides of the pitch. Still, Borja and Bruno were amazing and it bodes well for the rest of the season while Gonzalo and Musacchio showed how defenders can defend intelligently and skillfully by effortlessly anticipating and intercepting through-passes.... until there were 1 too many - thanks to a MF that was brutally let down by their front line. But it still is hard to see them challenging for even the runner-up. All up to Los Che now to beat the shit out of Barca/RM and win the league........

Did I mention I'm also now an official Brighter than Have Albert supporter...Did I get that right? Britain and Hove Alpine? Brighton and Hive Album? Bri...OK I give up, some random 2nd division club that Vicente Rodriguez has just joined very philanthropically to single-handedly guide them to the Premiership next year, and then to victory and beyond... I would say 8-2 against Arsenal, but he needs a real challenge...

8-2 Be An Arsenal Fan

That I copied the title from f365.com is irrelevant
That I now feel a little bad for this unfloggable over-dead horse is irreleventer still
That Wenger anyway went ahead and blamed injuries for said over-death is irrelevantest

Now that we've set the boundaries of what can be broached on this post, let's talk about the only thing left, music and movies... But in all seriousness, I used to think the Saw series was the pinnacle of violence on TV, but on August 28th ESPN would better it quite well... For the intended humor with which the game preview was compared with a horror book/movie, there was nothing funny about the horror we had to witness. I can only imagine what people who don't hate Arsenal must be thinking (yes there exists such a species apparently...at least it existed...not sure now).

1. Jenkinson : Hands down the worst fullback I've ever seen. He makes Jonathon Zebina look like Maldini. Fortunately, I was too often distracted by irritating commentators saying "Oh that's a terrible cross, but then he's a defender" "Oh that's terrible defending, but then he was attacking" "Oh he's just standing there, but at least he isn't scoring an own goal" to actively make a voodoo Jenkinson doll and throw it out my 5th floor window. (In hindsight, this explains Koscielny's and Coquelin's play through the first half - 80% of which they spent sprawled on their asses, someone was throwing their voodoo dolls on the floor)

2. Arsenal have a Minimum Ugliness Maintenance Quotient : When Gervinho, Frimpong and Song were out, I thought well but there still is the eyesore called Sagna. Then he called in to work sick, it was obvious God was striking down the ugly. So what does Djorou go and do? Why, Paint his head yellow of course! I wont be too hasty to judge him though, maybe he's actually a natural blonde and was dyeing his hair black all this time out of shame. You might find the notion ridonculous but go back and look at his offside trap, never heard no dumb-blackhead jokes...

3. Ramsey was wasted : He's no Cesc, but he's one of the few Arsenal players who can do basic things like just controlling a pass when marked. So Uncle Wenger thinks Oolala je has no garcon so i veel ask heem to do ze everysing.... For all that commentators criticized the high backline, anyone who's played football would know you have to play a high backline when you have midfielders who collect from deep and then carry into advanced positions, the more dynamic the midfield the higher a defence needs to sit. Considering his backline with a combined age of Rooney's dog (in man-years ofcourse, otherwise it would be an absurd thing to say!) had absolutely no chance of maintaining a highline effectively or recovering once broken, Wenger had to have the sense to play a much more static midfield. But obviously "dynamic" sounds a lot better than "static", quite like how assimilate sounds nicer than gawk, although the latter doesn't really mean anything in this context...or in any context...

4. Walcott still can't grow a moustache : This alone is not reason to want him on the set of a Saw Series, but throw in what a stupid brainless hamster he is, and that he invariably ends up scoring and winning some applause, and I have enough reasons. Actually just 2, but that half-moustache and his pigheaded expression really annoy the hell out of me.

5. Someone should teacher Wenger the French word for "Gym" : In May we saw this same red thug brigade come up against the tiniest team in Europe - Barca (Tommy Lee Jones' gun in MIB anyone?) and we might be tempted to say hey muscle is clearly not all important. Of course maybe Messi is just a tad better than Arshavin, Xavi marginally better than Ramsey, in fact the jury is still out on that one. Arsenal's players : Barca : : Earth : Upsilon Andromeda B. Don't look it up, take it from me its really far. Not a single Arsenal player makes his jersey look tight, in fact all the jerseys look like they're actually made for the Arsenal women's team, who probably eat these guys for breakfast during training everyday. It took all of 4 months for Kun back at Atletico to bulk up from a puny punk to the solid block you see at ManC today... Le Gymnase tres essentiel - good for the heart, great place to pick up chicks (although it might not be the best thing to hear "heyy you're that Arsenal guy who got buttf****d the other night, do you have Cleverley's number!!)

Day 5: A mountain of a Cahill

Not bad at all. As un-expected, transfer rumours have started coming in a bit like Dani Alves. Thick and fast. Encouragingly, not all of them are about Wenger having his eyes on some impoverished French 12-year old. Okay, that sounds bad but you get the idea.

1. Cahill: Hurrah, finally a defender! Wenger confirmed this news yesterday and also added that the figure of 6m that is being bandied by the bigmouthed chairmen of Bolton is way off the mark and that we had in fact bid much more. The player is in his last year of contract and Owen Coyle has himself admitted that Cahill deserves to play in the CL and would be looking to sell if the right bid comes along. All these augur well for us and increase our chances of completing this deal. Cahill would definitely add some much needed physical presence to our back four and provide a backup when the Annual Arsenal Injury Season 2011 kicks off in November.

2. Chu Young: Ha, this story is just killer. Looks like we have stolen Korean captain and striker Chy Young from right under the noses of Lille. Chu Young after agreeing terms with Lille had his first medical done yesterday, but since then he has apparently absconded and gone AWOL. The word is that he has come to London to have a medical with Arsenal after Wenger rang him up and showed interest in signing him. Either he is desperate to join us or he loves having medicals. Either way it is rather curious.

Any Given Sunday the 28th

It's unfortunate Arsenal-ManU games are no longer the eagerly awaited and harshly contested games they used to be. The kind of games even EPL Haters like me would...well.. read about later on news sites (Or on full-moon nights, maybe even watched a few minutes here and there... before disgust and neck ache from following aerial madness drove us to bay the moon for a few hours). Perhaps it is testament to the perception of Arsenal as a mid-table flounderer that the Ars-ManU game has come so early in the season, perhaps there really is "ze conspirare" since no better ruffian sadist team than ManU to kick a team that's down, to flog a dead horse, to skin a deceased feline, to consume an unfertilized hen embryo...or even to beat the shit out of Arsenal (if you're not wondering what the previous actions were about instead of beating Arsenal, you should... Moms don't scare their kids with the Bogey-ManU for nothing...). Some posts back, I'd masticated on the unappetizing possibility that Arsenal were fast overtaking ManU as my most despised team. Nothing like the beginning of a fresh season to quickly regurgitate those thoughts and exorcise any memory that separates the idea of ManU from involuntary retching and spinal fluid leakage.

I used to really like Van Persie, I guess his recently acquired big mouth could be overlooked as too much time spent with Arsene and Wilshere, he and Rosicky are the only players left who play any marginally acceptable form of pretty football. I imagine he must be welcoming the departure of Cesc and Nasri, he is now the undisputed god of this club (not to mention the fact that I always maintained him, Cesc and Nasri are twins... never could tell them apart, at least now people might recognize him on the ball). So while I have the itchy feeling he might nick it in a 1-0 Arsenal win (although the itch might just be a perfunctory warning against thinking so much about EPL... soon I'll start shedding skin and hide from silver bullets), I'm putting my money on 2-0 ManU. My only prayer to god is that Walcott doesn't score...of course if prayers would work, my prayer would actually be that a meteor decimate Old Trafford, both teams, and 70,000 EPL Fans... if Meteor isn't possible, gradual Climate change and disappearing habitat would also be acceptable, if not fiercely contested).

I won't bother going any deeper into stats or strategies or anything useful, no amount of good sense in this post could possibly redeem the initial blasphemy of drawing parallels between a crummy EPL game and the greatest gothic story ever written (Poe and Barker fans can blanch all they want..). In my defence, the Van Helsing movie bastardized and blasphemed it (admittedly in a way all too entertaining to grudge...although it might be alarming I found the byuteeful accents a lot more turning on than Kate in tights...) long before I got here with this blog. I assume the Berbatov-Dracula connections have been drawn a million times before, it is way too obvious to not draw, but has the connection about Dracula arriving in England on a ship called Demeter ever been drawn before HUHH HUHHH???? Not so blasphemous now is it. In related news (verryy related, if you knew I once thought Berbatov quite definitely played Archy in Rock n Rolla), Mark Strong has gone bald!!!!

Day 4: Kakalaka Baby

I know this is beyond ridiculous, but apparently we are interested in bringing Kaka on a loan from Madrid after learning that Mourinho is looking to offload the star. While he would undeniably be a welcome addition to the ailing midfield I call bullshit on this gossip. Kaka joining Arsenal is as likely as Busquet winning the Longest Time Spent Standing Without Clutching One's Face and Rolling Championship.

Yann M'Vila rumours are getting stronger. Some more rags are picking up on this news and this piece of gossip now seems like there is an element of plausibility to it. French. Unknown. Sounds like a guy only we would buy.

Also a bid for a EPL centreback has failed after the club in question asked for more cash, something that we clearly are in short of I suppose. We need someone who can provide good cover for Kos and Vermaelen and that too right away. Hopefully someone with loads of EPL experience (read ability to not imitate decapitated poultry when balls fly in through an aerial route). And being tightfisted with the pennies is not helping things. I suppose Arsene knows.

Increasing indications that we might be buying players finally though. All that I ask for is a centreback, a midfielder or two, and maybe a striker. Not too much.

Day 3: Spin a Yann

Unsurprisingly fack all happened yesterday with regards to transfer news given that the do or die now or never make or break game against Udinese was to be played last night. That save.. I meant the game deserves a post of its own. 

1. We have apparently submitted a bid of 22m for Yann M'Villa, a Rennes defensive midfielder who is so unknown that there exist no compilation videos of his skillz trickz and shotz set to some hip hop music on youtube. If this goes through then this deal will break the transfer record at the club which is currently held by Arshavin at 13.5m. Very unwengeresque. 

2. In other news, Fack all.

Mata Piatti Guru Deivam

This post is about Valencia and Roma so EPLites calmly make your way towards the exits at the front and back of the aircraft (something the ManU team coming from Munich were too stupid to do...). Contrary to above cartoon suggesting subject of the post, I don’t think Mata leaving is much of an elephant in the room, somewhere between an elephant seal in the room and a really big goat in the room. Although now after a cautious pre-emptive wiki, I realize elephant seals are fvcking huge... you get my point, it’s neither earth shattering nor taboo or life-scarring. We lost Villa and Silva last year and it radically changed the style of football played through the season which, as I pointed out in an earlier post about Vicente, not only went back to Valencian style roots of fluid pace right out of defence but also reduced the dependence on brilliant forwards for creativity. Mata had a great year, but our Midfield had a greater one still. Tino – Ever – Topal when allowed to play together tick like a well wound up Baghdad car-bomb, and explode into the attacking 3^rd with an interchanging tag-motion, reminiscent of early Xavi-Iniesta (my biggest complaint of current Barca style is the total erosion of the Xavi-Iniesta forward see-saw pivot), and represent the first truly brilliant MF combination since uninjured Edu pivoted with Baraja around Albelda.

Keeping Banega and losing Mata? I’ll take that. Especially since the little I’ve seen of Piatti reminds me of part Mata, and part Munitis – my favorite rapist-of-Madrid. He plays advanced left flank and cuts inside, and is altogether way too good to have been bought for the bench – so I guess we pretty much knew Mata wouldn’t make it to our start-line, especially since they moved the start-line to 2 weeks later so kindly. Add Canales and Pablo, and Valencia suddenly have too many options for even 5 across Mid. Considering they probably won’t dump Albelda, I really hope they lose their preferred 2-3 in MF and switch to 1-4 around a single anchor the way Barca used to play around Cocu with Kluivert alone up front when Saviola hadn’t yet cut it or early 2000’s Roma around Lima and similarly Valencia around Albelda in drool-worthy years of Vicente, Aimar, and earlier Kily and Mendieta.

I hate how teams have stopped this 1-4 form of a 5-man MF these days instead going with 2 anchors – which is very ironic coming from me, the guy who thought the first ever 2-anchor 5 MF formation he’d seen in De Rossi – Pizzaro was quite possibly the most stunningly beautiful thing ever! Sigh they really suck now. The worst part is I actually thought Lazio played better football last year than Roma, which hurt more than the ManU disaster of 2007 (don’t laugh too much, I’ll make another Munich joke. Actually screw you I will anyway.....too much pressure I can’t think of any now...). Nothing says “we miss you Spalletti” like a DISMAL season. But despite the dampener of Krkic arriving for some reason, midfield fluidity the core of Roma philosophy should be the focus now that Luis Enrique, midfield god, is coach. Oh and guess what, the assistant coach is.... IVAN DE LA PENA!!! Things are looking good in awesome midfield world. On that final note of awesome midfield world -

a) Borja Valero has another excellent game as usual and Villarreal are through to the UCL

b) How many ManU players does it take to conduct an air-suicide operation?.... never enough sigh never enough....

Day 2: $amir Na$ri

It is a pity that that Nasri doesn't have any 'L' in his name for technically he will be earning in pounds. As I type I am repulsed by my impulse to make some FX spot market joke about the USD/GBP currency pair. There is a spot market. There is a forward contract. But he is actually a midfielder and not a forward.. and he didn't sign a contract. Okay, this is not working. <Mental note to not mix work and blog.>

Isn't it amazing that as soon I set down a ten day deadline for Wenger to buy some bloody players he goes out and sells one? With Nasri also gone we have as many midfielders now as Alves has brain cells. Although he can make do with 2, we cannot. Wilshere is out with an injury. Rosicky is expected to be out injured soon so the club is not bothering with putting him out on field and instead sending him directly to the hospital. Ramsey is not ready enough to be a leading playmaker and play at a high level on a consistent basis. Now and then he shows his ability to find a good pass but quality wise he is not there yet. We are so short in midfield that Arshavin is the tallest guy (eh?). And yet we don't seem to be doing anything to address this, at least going by the developments on the transfer gossip front. So whom are we linked with today?

1. Mauro Zarate: I read somewhere that the Arsenal-linked Zarate had sat out of Lazio's game and had communicated to the manager his desire to leave the club this season. Youtube scouting revealed him to the World's Greatest Player (thumbs up if you think so) ever. But honestly, he looked the goods. Strong attacking midfielder with good skills, pace and technical quality. He seemed to be a good fighter with some mental behaviour thrown in. Within 5 mins of hoping that maybe we might sign this chap who will then go on and prove to be a revelation came this tweet that Wenger had ruled out a move for Zarate and had rubbished reports linking us Lazio. Thumbs down.

2. Eden Hazard: As I expected Lille have asked us and other clubs interested in Hazard to faaack off. I cannot see this deal happening.

3. That is all the gossip related to Arsenal. You would think funds somewhere in the region of 80m coupled with a patent need for players would stir up gossip by the truckloads, but no. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. No news about the Jagielka. Nothing about Cahill. No developments whatsoever. At this rate we might be forfeiting games in the EPL for not fielding enough players on the pitch (despite using Pat Rice and some of the kids who come out as mascots). I can only hope the lack of news is because Wenger is holding his cards close to his chest, so close the ace of spades is digging into his esophagus. Tomorrow can only be better. Oh, we play Udinese tomorrow. Fack!

Day 1: Aninymous

Chelsea have snapped up what we missed out on. It is amazing how we can manage to drag out one simple transfer over eons while other clubs get their deals done before you can say Juan Mata. We could have got him as a replacement for Cesc but for some reason we twiddled our thumbs and shuffled our feet, let the buyout clause expire and now Chelsea have acquired Mata for only 4m over the 22m deal that was offered to us. Joy. 

Let us move on to what Arsene Wenger has been upto on Day1 of the ten day deadline I set him.

1. Edin Hazard: It is rumoured we have put a 15m bid for him. We desperately need a quick striker who can make runs into the six yard area. With Hazard already having played with Gervinho in Lille he might not take too much time to get into the groove. It will be a tough transfer battle though as I don't think Lille will be ready to let two of their best players leave in the same season. They are not Arsenal, are they?

2. Some M'Vila: A tough defensive midfielder apparently. We have never had a good strong player in that area since Flamini left although Song has shown some great form over the last season. With Frimpong as backup for Song, I am not sure if this area is an immediate concern.

3. Phil Jagielka: Let this be true. Finally we seem to be bidding for a quality centreback with EPL experience. Last time we sent a derisory bid to Everton we were sent a return envelope telling us where exactly we could put that bid. Our club's name being Arsenal only helped David Moyes make Arse related puns. Hopefully this time the bid is good enough to buy him. Heaven knows we need a centreback!

4. Anin: Some guy called Anin. From some club called Sochaux. That is all I know about this gossip. I have a bad feeling out of all the rumours only this one will actually go through. That is Wenger for you.

An afternoon at the Emirates

I used to jest about my Arsenal red card membership package coming with an opportunity to play at left back. I continue to jest these days, but when I am not jesting I practice in the evening running along the left flanks of parks just in case they actually called upon me to play left back. The situation is that desperate in the Arsenal camp. Arsenal started the game with 8 players unavailable to Wenger due to numerous reasons ranging from injuries and suspension to mum said no and cannot be bothered. As a result the the team out on the field was just patchwork. Sagna playing leftback (not a typo),  Jenkinson at rightback, 19 year old Frimpong as def mid and Nasri who is on a one match loan from Man City in the play maker role. Ramsey playing more forward than he is used to, Walcott playing more than he should be allowed to.

Despite this I thought this this inexperienced side put up a good show. Frimpong impressed with his assured passing and good breaking up of play. For a 19 year old he is way too muscular and his body strength allows him to out-muscle the over-sized thugs of EPL. He was very good even when going forward and  could have had a better game if he had shown some maturity and not got himself sent off. He can be a good understudy for Song. He seems to be doing everything right to becoming a future Song, including a stupid early yellow and a subsequent red card for a bad tackle. That is two red cards in as many matches for the club. It is as if Arsenal think they are too good to play with 11 players and contrive to get one guy or the other sent off. <clutches at straws>

Vermaelen stood out with his defending. All those liverpool crosses aimed for Carrol's pony tailed scalp were duly dispatched by Vermaelen. Vermalen's position was spot on and it was his excellent defending that made Carrol look like crap more than usual. Vermaelen was the cliched one man army in defence. It is a shame the final scoreline doesn't reflect his performance yesterday. Let us not forget, one injury to Vermaelen and we are looking at Squillaci to fill in for Vermaelen *shudders*. It is like asking Elmer Fudd to depute because Rambo is not available. Jenkinson and Miquel had decent games yesterday. The youngsters showed their lack of experience at some moments but were good overall. They are good backups to have but to expect them to come into the first team and immediately deliver against a seasoned top 4 EPL side is unfair. Szcz was excellent and it gives me renewed confidence in our defence this season.

It is a curious thing that Arsenal's weaknesses have become the polar opposite of what they were last season. Last season we bemoaned our failure to defend set pieces, a lack of a proper goalkeeper and general headlesschickenness when long balls into the area were played. This season we look calm and improved in our set piece defending. Our goalkeeper can actually stop shots for a change. It is our attacking side of things that is as blunt as Pique's intellect. It is so blunt people think it is the chap who sang You're beautiful. It's true.

The Ramsey Nasri pair was a failure. The lack of communication and partnership showed in the way they mistimed their passes and runs. As a midfield pair they lacked the graceful movement, pass move pass routine of the Cesc-Nasri pair midway through last season when Nasri had hit that rich vein of form. These two were clumsy when working together and much better when they tried going forward on their own. The wingers were terrible. Walcott cannot dribble, cannot tackle, cannot put final ball, cannot make timed runs. He had an absolutely horrid game and was what consultants call a zero value add. Arshavin did something, but not enoughthing expected of a winger of his quality. He overpromised and underdelievered yesterday. General failure in wings coupled with a lack of a coordinated midfield meant RVP was denied of any service at all. He looked alone and uninvolved and was an unleveraged resource. When he dropped deep to actually enforce something there was no one up front to be a threat towards goal. I don't know a management term to describe this.

The game looked set for a draw until Frimpong was sent off. Immediately Dalglish drought Suarez and Meireles on and it was certain that it was only a matter of time before we shipped goals. The goals don't bother me. This was a game I thought we would get drubbed my a much bigger margin and it is to the credit of the youngsters who were out there that they made people hope that we could get away with a draw. It is what we are doing with the squad ahead of the season that is a bigger problem. Without Fabregas we look absolutely clueless in attack. And with Nasri set to leave the situation is only going to worsen. We need reinforcements; reinforcements that can come into first team and have the experience to immediately start delivering. Not 19 year old Costa Ricans bought at the dollar shop who have 'potential' and 'future promise'. A centre back, a midfielder and a striker. These are minimum buys if we have any sort of ambition to play in the league this season. Contrary to what Wenger might say, this is bit of a doom and gloom situation.

Ten days. That is what is left for Monsieur Wenger to make changes to the squad and bring in people to replace the ones that have left. I am off to to the park now. That left flank is not going to run itself.

Conspiracy Theory 101

Would like to preempt Wenger's interview, Pundit analysis, and fellow Blogger's match-review by saying what they'll probably say... circumstances have conspired against Arsenal....

Now that we got that out of the way, how painful was it to watch them Cross their ass off all through the game...
very...

Over to Practical Henry

Fanaticism Catharsis

Oh men of fiery hearts and views apassion, harken to me this rhyme.......As weathered steel on an anvil, we temper our wounds on acid lime .......Against darkness the light shall shine brighter ....... If thought’s raw ore to chests clutched tighter ....... Our convictions might stay convictions, but those that follow a crime

Is exactly the kinda shit you wont be reading on this blog (yes we are aware it is a blog and is obligated to contain self-clicked pictures of silent landscapes that stir the soul and heart rending passages of self-discovery that drip pathos...by drip we mean ooze like sugary syrup, not the slow leaking of nice looking dew... which would anyway feature in said self-clicked pictures). It was just there so I could say following wisdom in an overstated gay way that safely distances me from any intention of sounding wise : All football fanatics must annually baptize themselves in the cleansing rivers of ridicule and criticism to renew their fanaticism... So this is my annual baptism Anti-Barca Rant : STUPID BARCA I HATE THEM THEYRE SO GOOD THEYRE TOO AMAZING SO I HATE THEM BECAUSE I SUCK.. Unfortunately that wasn’t it... just tried to see if I could get away with only that, but don’t feel too cleansed yet..worth a shot.

People with enough perspective have now replaced “antics” with “antiques” for anything Jose does these days. I’d be interested to read a news report where he didn’t do something childish and churlish before/after games, but seeing as how my inter dimensional crossover machine went bust (when I said “pullll ze switch” Igor pulled it out of the socket...he’s dead now...OR IS HE!!! **lightning thunder**) and I need to remain in this world, I can safely say that news report isn’t coming ever. Which brings me to my anti-Barca rant - brain-dead floozy reporters might be dumb enough to pounce on yesterday’s events with long saved up drool (like “Journalism” is a real course... no this isn’t sour-grapes-sourness...maybe just a little...aaargh I hate engineers!!!), but a way too obviously far superior Barca acting the same? If life has taught me anything.. and by life I of course mean Jon Osterman from Watchmen, Broken Sword from Ying Xiong, and Anomander Rake from Malazan, it is that with great greatness comes great apathy..ness...

The bigger the gulf between them and their insignificant opponents, the less they should give a shit about anything but squishing and other assorted bug-violence behavior, which makes it a little unbecoming of Barca to see them roped into that Jackass Jose's baiting over and over again. I’d really have liked to see Barca swat nonchalantly at stung area and treat him like the pesky insect he (and indeed RM) is. After last year’s Quadro-Classico Tamil Megaserial-ish drama, Barca have gone on to become (atleast for me and my post-2000 perspective) the undisputedly greatest side in history while Madrid....exist somewhere, so while everyone condemns yet another pathetically immature circus show from Jose and gang, I sadly reflect on apathy not unsheathed... (that’s not what she said). Still hoping the next interview of Barca players/Pep will show them shrugging and saying "Jose who? like whatever man..as if"

To take my baptism one step further, I will now unsheathe (still not what she said..) a pro-Gunner statement – Cesc came away from last night with a small piece of vaguely respectable who-cares apathy saying “It happens”, of course this was after hamming it up for a not-so-horrible foul in the first place, so I guess it was too small a piece (fine now that’s what she said...). But I am looking forward to Sunday night to watch how Cesc gets adjusted onto the right flank (in the 77^th minute... before you wonder how he’s on the pitch at all), yesterday’s match doesn’t seem to show any intention of switching to 3 at the back, and there is no way Xavi’s creativity will be sacrificed by making him sole anchor, which means Pedro/Villa are out. 4-4-2 without midfielders giving any kind of width...what a stupid idea...I love it!!!

Which doesn’t in any way mean I’m abandoning my 3 at the back desire. Abidal at left back yesterday was like water out of fish...or was it the other way around... He was always the one to play RM's skulking poachers onside, and running around in circles frequently hovering confusedly between the winger on the touchline and the forward down the middle almost like a Defender strung out at LeftBa...oh wait that’s what he is... If Pep’s anyway using Mascherano as Suppandi errand boy doing odd jobs wherever possible, why not blood him as leftback, although I’d much prefer Adriano/Puyol anyday, and shift awesomEric back to Central D. The main case for a back 3 remains that Villa and Pedro are way too critical to the way Barca play, and that Alexis offers too much of what they missed last year, so sacrificing any of these 3 for Cesc seems unlikely. But then, them actually going and paying a bucketload of money for a 4th choice Central MF seemed unlikelier still.. The important thing here is... my catharsis is over and I'm feeling fanatical already! JOSE MORONHO the dung of a thousand camels should descend upon you...

Brothers Grimm - The Football fan and his Wife

Few days of sullen head shaking later, comes the time to put the annoyance to one side and think tactics (the detailed version of which will be posted under next week's "Think Tanktics". Haha ofcouurse I'm just kidding... i'll post it this week itself.. Again, just kidding.... the post will actually be called "Taca-Tici") ... Cesc gets his homesick ass back home... and it makes me sick. Sick to immediately start reading stuff like "Roma looks to snap up Thiago". But even if he has bumped Thiago off the MF replacement pole position, it still only puts him on MF replacement pole position which seems far too unimportant to be worth 40 mill.

Saturday probably wont tell, if indeed they play 4 across Mid behind the front 3, having had too little time with Cesc to actually have tried it in practice, but I wonder if their accountant might eventually start asking them what the ROI, NPV, and HHPs (Hero Hit Points... if he gets 45+ he can level up if he finds the scepter of Okhalion to fuse with Grishnakh Orb once Zoltar seals the demongate using Serpents of the blackflame) of this 40 Mill investment are... Unfortunately, that little distracting bracket reminds me I'd much rather be spending this time reading my Song of Fire and Ice book 5 than completing this post. Suffice to say, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if Cesc started in place of Puyol... (there I said it, see..Barca fans can actually diss club legends...)

Welcome

..NOT!!!!

Goodbye

The Great Cescape

This was supposed to be a post that was supposed to be posted post Wenger's conference where he was supposed to finally announce the bloody transfer of Cesc Fabregas to Barcelona. Life is full of suppositions that never come true. We say stuff like all cats are dogs even though they clearly aren't. It is like one of those things. I am not going to let Wenger's anti climactic conference make the rather clever title of my post go to waste. If you find the rest of the post unrelated to the title and find this wee bit of logical disconnectedness toppling your sensible world may I suggest you pause and go read Rubin Khazana. Done? You are not complaining about my post now, are you? Thought so.

I am going to skip what Wenger said in that conference. It was just ludicrous nonsense designed to taunt the press who had gathered to listen to Wenger reveal something about the transfers but instead had to hear him say stuff like "I expect no one to leave the club" - which the whole world and his dog knows is false. The reporters were pissed and it showed in their questioning which got more and more impatient and belligerent as the press conference progressed. It was if they had been told some dogs are flowers.

Let's start with the football. Firstly, football is back! Proper, actual, live football on the field which is a huge improvement from repeated viewings of the invincibles season or the second half of Arsenal-Barcelona. I decided to watch the first game of the season at a pub in central London with a bunch of friends. It turned out to be as fail as Wenger playing the lead role in Brewster's Millions.

We expected a rowdy gang of fellow gooners cheering every tackle and booing every appearance of the face of Joey Barton. Instead we found a bunch of elderly gentleman applauding politely at halftime and tut-tutting tackles. On of my friends even got admonished for cheering a foul. I think one of the elderly patrons of the pub as I believe they are called said "kids these days". It was in these library-within-a-pub setting that we watched yesterday's match.

Arsenal lined up without Cesc-not-expected-to-leave-Fabregas and Samir-not-expected-to-leave-Nasri. Szcz in goal, Sagna Kos Verm Gibbs the back four. Song Rosicky and Ramsey formed the midfield trio as Wilshere was out injured. New boy Gervinho and Arshavin started on the wings. RVP started up front. We started brightly and some quick passing led to the ball being set up for Rosicky early on who shot wide of the goal. Gervinho and Arshavin often switched flanks causing confusion for the Newcastle defenders. Both Gervinho and Arshavin had decent games. They were all over the place, working hard and beating defenders with their pace and skill. With an apparent lack of creativity in midfield much of the clever work fell to Arshavin who I thought did rather well. His clipped ball to RVP was Cescesque but since it was only esque and not the real thing it was not as perfectly timed as RVP would have wanted it to be and Van Persie could only bundle it towards the keeper. 

RVP had an okay time upfront and had to often drop back to pick up the ball from just front of the midfield area which meant there was no one upfront, which was kind of fail. There were many occasions when RVP had the ball and the Newcastle back four where in front of him and no Arsenal shirts cutting in behind the Newcastle defence. Gervinho was quick and tricksy enough to beat the fullbacks but had a very poor final ball to actually trouble the goalkeeper or create any solid chances. Ditto for Gibbs. He controlled the left flank for most parts of the game and played his part in going forward. Apart from one over the top ball which he misjudged and let Ameiobi get behind him, he did well overall and chipped in with some well timed interceptions. The over the top ball was his weakness during pre season and continues to be his achilles heel apart from his actual achilles heel from which he only recently recovered. Whether he can improve and battle against the top teams remains to be seen. 

The Verm Kos pairing worked yesterday as reflected in our clean sheet. Vermaelen showed what we missed last season with some crunching tackles and general steel in the defense. I cannot remember Newcastle having a proper chance at goal. That doesn't excuse us from buying a defender though. One injury as is prone to happen and we are looking at a Djourou Kos centreback pair which instills as much confidence as Barcelona's balance sheet (heh, football accounting joke). We were again all nice play no goal. It is the same ghost of season past - opponents defending their socks off and we lacking any sort of intelligence or killer ball to find that one goal. With Cesc and Nasri (who are not leaving by the way) leaving I don't see how the situation is going to improve. 0-0 at full time. We applauded politely and left the pub.

I think Wenger's wingerfest gives us an idea of things to come. We have more lightning fast, tricksy wingers now in the club than you can shake a stick at. Gervinho, Walcott, Arshavin, Alex-Oxlade, Miyaichi and possibly Joel Campbell. This seems to hint at some quick forward play and a departure from mind numbing sideways passing that we could pass off as tiki taka lite or the poor homeless destitute man's poorer friend's impecunious son's Barcelona. This new strategy should help us going forward (heh!). It bodes well as without someone like Cesc who can pull the strings from midfield and provide defence splitting throughballs on a consistent basis we would be better off having a trick up our sleeve in the form of some aggressive attacking play using our wide men.

Nil nil at Newcastle away is not a bad result entirely. But the other events that happened yesterday (about which I make no mention as they don't interest me much) make the forthcoming weeks dreadful. Gervinho got sent off for slapping Joey Barton. Alex Song faces a retroactive ban for standing on Barton's legs. This means we could potentially face Manu and Liverpool without the two. There is no cover for Song in the def-mid area. Bloody hell. I have no clue what Wenger meant when he said we have too big a squad! If Song gets a ban we are looking at a certain Emmanuel Frimpong who played the first 10 mins of his competitive career yesterday. Breath bating has begun about the Arsenal Liverpool game next weekend that I am going to watch at the stadium*.

I have a bad feeling about this season. Damn, not all cats are flowers.

*Author has red membership.

Born Free - Bielsa the Lioness

Bielsa returned to Liga last month much to the unanimous hail-mary sof all liga (and hence “football”) fans. What’s bigger news though, is I’ve finally read a thoroughly enjoyable and intelligent football article. Of course, I still turned my nose at some parts, called it stupid, unresearched and media-slutty at other parts (hey I didn’t say it was “THE article”...and haha I just got the pun. Damn I’m good!) ... But overall, an excellent article more than worthy of selling out this blog by posting external links! http://www.zonalmarking.net/2011/08/08/marcelo-bielsa-tactics-athletic-bilbao/

Now of course my 2 cents / thoughts/ random musings/ wonderings – I saw all of just 5 Bilbao matches last year. 2 they got raped by Barca. 1 they dominated Madrid and lost. The last 2 I couldn’t glean much from...buffering 10%...because I mostly...buffering 20%....saw them in still shots...buffering 30%...as I illegally streamed their...buffering 50%...matches against Valencia (although I gleaned enough from the still shots to know Valencia was F*****g AMAZING and blew them out of the sky). Not everyone can be a red-card holder after all. However good Muniain, Gabilondo and Javi Martinez were last year, I wasn’t the biggest fan of Bilbao’s largely “direct” style.

While in England, this is a euphemism for Van der Sar – Rooney – goal seeking to mitigate its own meaninglessness, the Spanish version (no its not the same..despite the way the ZM article bastardized it) is more like Roma, mid-2000s Ajax and the distantly dreamt ideal that Arsenal fans believe they are playing towards – fast movement and 1-touch play that leads from goalkeeper to other goalkeeper in a flash (Arsenal fans please note : in Liga, this style is as opposed to tiki-taka. The sheer magnitude of ignorance when fans claim Arsenal play Barca-football used to be hilarious, but now I wonder if brain cell death caused by continued exposure to such lack of distinction between the most basic set of opposites, might just make me also gradually dumb enough to claim ManU can win the Bundesliga.)

So I didn’t like it since the wingers cut in less, Llorente’s tremendous touch and passing ability was used less (sites and media seem to be under the annoying impression he’s a Zigic or something...), and wingers’ inside link from skewed central midfielders (like the mega-awesome Etxeberria – Yeste, Ezquerro link of 2003-5) was sacrificed for a front 3. The San Mames, on-field ferocity to match Osasuna, youth players (u-21,20,19 teams have 2^nd most no. from Bilbao, after Barca obviously) and my hate for Nihat-Kovacevic era Sociedad have meant a traditional soft spot for Bilbao, but now my biggest hope remains their 3-4-3, ok my biggest hope for football is 3-4-3 so that’s a little too obvious, with wingbacks on the overlap and hence wide players of front 3 tucking in closer with LLorente. The part in ZM about a wingback problem was crap, apart from Bilbao I can think of only present Inter and 2005-6 Sevilla who have/had the squad to pull off a middle 4 of the 3-4-3.

Di Marcos and Iraola’s careers and style have pretty much mirrored the early years of Sorin and Zanetti, who will always be my favorite memory of the greatest formation and fluid game play ever seen (not Barca.. Not Valencia.. Not Roma) and along with Javi Martinez will form the bottom 3 of a midfield diamond that makes or breaks the 3-4-3. Gabi, Muniain and Llorente are sealed as the front 3 leaving the only question mark at the top of the diamond midfield. Last season, I didn’t see of the Herrera ZM marks there, and instead saw Javi saddled with too much of creative burden (and last week he was pushed into Central defence for the Tottenham friendly!!) For all my drooling over Sorin, Samuel, Ayala and Lucho, it was that god of gods Riquelme at the top of the diamond who made that team what it was, which is why I fear Bilbao’s 3-4-3 might ultimately end up being FAIL!!! Haha and here you thought the length of the post had to mean I would predict Champions League spot for this team. No squad depth, annoying keeper = bottom 10 finish. But Bielsa man! Most entertaining bottom 10 team in Europe this year!

Haters just wanna Hate...

The better part of this transfer season has been spent waking up each morning and savagely consuming fingernails while reading whether Mata and Banega have been scavenged, or casting a laconic yet sadistically greedy eye on whether Cesc gets mind raped into leaving his first team place at Arsenal. All in all, quite strange that an entire transfer season, traditionally a time of excitement, conjecture and fantasy, instead revolved around three transfers that I DIDN'T want to see... What's stranger (i.e more strange, not guy I've never seen before in my life and shouldn't take biscuit from coz it'll be drugged to kidnap me, break my legs and make me a beggar in Bihar...so i took ONE biscuit and they traumatize me with horror stories...parents!) , the usual fare of transfers I don't want to see, viz. nice players sucked into Madrid and running the risk of no longer being nice players, slipped completely under the radar and ended up explaining said phenomenon by being revealed as unradarable specks of dust to begin with.

While Malaga was busy dipping into Santa's pocket (and I don't mean in the dirty way Arsene Wenger would...assuming Santa was played by a 10 yr old) for various trinkets, RM has been too ominously silent this year. I've been waiting for the grand revelation of a brand new striker with brand new boots to kick Higuain's useless rump out the door, the lack of news is both pleasantly surprising yet coldly deadly in its promise... With less than 2 weeks to go before La Liga 2011-12 starts, there is noooo way Madrid are going to allow themselves to start the season with Higuain, Ronaldo, Benzema and the (admittedly awesome) recalled Jose Callejon (whom I watched and loved in Espanyol all these years having nooo friggin clue he was a madrid spy...) as the only forwards...

For someone who started hating Madrid when they attacked with Zidane, Ronaldo (the real one), and Raul... it seems embarrassing and unfair to hate them now with their pitifully and all too obviously hateable line up... I miss those days when they were good enough to EARN your hate... when Ronaldo dribbled past everybody and fatly scored... I had to think hard to insult him, had to work at the hate... when Zidane controlled, swiveled and baldly spun away... I had to dance precariously on the edge of unreasonable vendetta... when Raul danced around in the box and chipped the keeper before doing my favorite goal celebration of all time, and the one I will use when (if) I score my first goal... It was a kind of venom that needed to draw from, and hence strengthened, my love for Valencia and Barca. It was an exciting, difficult, and rewarding hate. Now there's a cocky homo ballet dancer, a useless toy that even Gepetto would be ashamed of, and incredible EPLness in gameplay and the hate I feel....its just... too easy... I miss the fat Ronaldo.

Rubin Khazana

Blaugrana Vitriol Test

Remember the part in DeadHouse Gates where Kalam stands with his knife over Laseen and has to deal with a chilling realization that after all those vendetta-filled years, it might just so happen that he actually hates someone else more than Laseen....OK so maybe you don't since its only a vaguely important chapter of the relatively less weighty 2nd book out of 10 from a series that the 5 odd people know about, out of whom 4 know about it only from the computer game... still, I think its quite relevant to mention here if only to point out that its the greatest thing existing in print. Although I read the e-book so i wouldn't really know about the print part... Right..so I was saying, I'm considering the cold cold possibility that, after all these vendetta-filled years, perhaps ManU ISN'T my most hated team in the whole galaxy. Of course, I still want someone to do things to them that you wouldn't find even in the lyrics of "Exhumed" albums (you need to actually read them to understand why I say "someone" and not "me"...), and of course I also still want someone to do things to their fans that you wouldn't find even in the news report of what someone did to the team, that wasn't on Exhumed lyrics... But like a piece of snot that insistently sticks to the inside of the nostril despite repeated blowing, Arsenal and its fans have somehow replaced ManU, ManU indian fans, various bodily necessities, jungle insects (by jungle I mean Siliguri), and Hindi songs, as top most annoying objects invented.

Take this Cesc drama. I really couldn't care less about what he does, although Gijon B team might be slightly stronger if he did leave Arsenal and join "Barcelona", but the number of people venting opinions on this has stunned me into caring, if only to marvel at how bigoted people can get. Arsenal players are divided between "He's too true blue gunner to leave" and "He aint no real man, we don't need him". Barca players are quite undividedly and diabolically in love with him (diabolically because its quite obvious their statements about how "he'll fit in perfectly here" refer to the amount of cubic centimeters left on the bench, just enough for a small-framed individual like Cesc...and by bench I mean B team bench) but I'm more annoyed with reporters interviewing a different Barca player a day and popping the same question and then printing the same answer, it's not like Xavi would say "I want sex with Cesc, Cexc" on Tuesday and then "eww gross, Cesc sucks, Cusc" on Wednesday...

I've been quite impressed with Barca fans on various forums, their comments are almost unequivocally that Cesc isn't needed one bit (obviously with a few fanatics harping about how he was Barca property in the first place, and that his "requirement" is irrelevant...). Arsenal fans have been at their glorious best though, the stench of moral high ground still overpowering my senses, and considering my current hotel is right next to Gangtok's open sewage system, it's saying a lot. I'm not one to be happy with the Barca players' shameless seduction of their lil princess, but I find it an activity all too common in football to be classified "moral low ground", now seducing the princess and then making her sweep floors, THAT would be low ground although it's altogether too hilarious to get past the ROFL and care about morals.After 2 years of fuming though, a) I'm quite impressed Arsenal fans still haven't got tired of it, b) I'm quite impressed the media still hasn't got tired of it, and c) JACKASS WILSHERE STARTS PURRING ABOUT HOW MATA SHOULD JOIN A "BIG" CLUB LIKE ARSENAL AND THAT HE WOULD FIT IN THERE PERFECTLY!!!!!

His hypocrisy is testament to the Arsenal blood as he is the ONLY unpoached youngster to develop from the Arsenal youth teams in god knows how many years. Really wish someone would poach him quick, and I mean the set vicious bear trap, remove teeth for medicine, skin for mattress, and organs for soup kind of poaching (it strikes me now that the crack into two, roast slowly on dry pan and then consume with toast kind of poaching might also be acceptable, for people without taste buds at least). For all their "youth system" philosophy, they have poached more youngsters than any EPL (and I assume hence any League.. although Portugal's rape and plunder of S.American youth systems would come close) team. Spanish youngsters can't sign contracts till 18, a rule Arsenal (and Sivakasi-England) have taken advantage of (and frankly, why not...shameless but effective).In the past few years, besides Cesc, Arsenal have kidnapped Jon Toral, Ignasi Miguel, Fran merida and Hector Bellerin from the Barcelona La Masia alone, what's worse they're still at it, currently courting the "two next big stars" of Barcelona (and of course consequently of Spain) Gerard Deulofeu and Xavi Quintilla.

ManU seem a lot more dignified in their child abduction, with Pique being let go by Barca intentionally (like Jeffren to Lisbon a few days back), and Parma, Lazio doing the same for Rossi and Macheda back in the day. I'm not surprised then that the most decibels for Cecs's return come from La Masia graduates like Xavi, Iniesta, Puyol and Pique who must view this as big scary pimp tempting poor girl on streets bereft of income with shiny cash and dresses, and then prostituting her in front of millions. (you'll notice I'm going to quickly sign off before addressing how "poor girl" and "streets" were used as metaphors for La Masia kids and the academy - the brightest talents in ALL of Spain sitting pretty in a house basking in the knowledge that everyone knows them to be the brightest talents in ALL of Spain...)