Beep beep

Big game today. Quite like the big game last weekend. And the midweek big game before that. Arsenal's end season campaign is increasingly beginning to resemble Arsene Wenger's series of unfortunate events where they fumble and flounder and lurch and list from one disaster to another. Just when you think they have hit rockbottom they write to ACME, get a  red box marked TNT, plug some wires onto it and  blow their way through that rock shelf and continue their endless plummet to the shadowy depths of a non-CL spot in the EPL geological crest. Arsene Wenger looks like Coyote. And we have called Walcott road runner before. All of what I said works...in a way.

It is going to be humiliating, oh yes. The last time we beat them was in a meaningless Carling Cup match where Wenger surprised everyone by naming a excessively strong squad instead of his usual babies' day out policy in the Carling Cup tournament. Spurs were squarely beaten but from then on it was the cock part of London that had the better of the cannon part. Which is why I think club's crests should be sent out to duel for the clubs. Boom. One dead rooster. Actually, even then I can only see Wenger lighting the fuse behind the cannon and plugging his ears with his fingers while Walcott turns the cannon towards Wenger's face at the last moment and the whole plan blows up in Wenger's face. Quite literally.

I would probably need to wash my mouth with phenoyl after this but Spurs are indeed playing very well this season. A couple of shrewd investments to strengthen their team in areas they were lacking earlier has led to their remarkable ascent culminating in the stratospheric heady highs of third place. Scott Parker has been an excellent buy and so has been VDV. With their own version of a roadrunner but with brains (Bale, not Lennon) and that lanky, mercenary twerp Ade they have formidable attacking strength. Defence remains their chink in the armour, a chink the size of China (ha) in Ledley King but Dawson covers up for two. And Assou Ekkoto. Fack, I have always hated that lizard in human shape in the past but he his link up play with Bale and his bombing attacking runs have been so excellent this season that I have chosen to ignore his tail shedding and fly eating habits and come to like him. They have a carbon copy right back in Walker; he does exactly what the Lizard does on the left, but on the right. It's like the Spurs formation is a Rorschach diagram made by splattering ink on a paper and folding it down the middle. What do you mean you don't see a butterfly with its antenna crushed and its body grotesquely mutilated, black inky blood oozing down on its wings? No? Must be my childhood then.

Right. So what tactically astute team would I pick? The first team has been picking itself for over a long time now. At any given point of time there one only 11 un-injured players and couple of semi-broken ones sitting on the bench. Cannot see how tacticky we can get with these 11 unless we go all radical total footbally mad and take RVP and put him in goal and play Szcz up front with Wenger on the flanks and our mascot Goonersaurus in midfield. Imagine the Arsene Winger jokes. Per is injured. Ramsey is injured. Squillaci is injured. Coq is injured. Kos is injured but has a late fitness test. So, I imagine the team would shape up like this. Szcz in goal, Sagna-Djourou-Kos-Vermaelen, Arteta-Song, Ox-Rosicky-Gervinho, RVP. Couple of players were played in the reserves in the mid week and news was that Yossi starred in the game setting up three goals and scoring one himself in a 5-0 rout over Norwich reserves (who?). I would like to see Yosi given a run ahead of Rocicky who has sadly turned into the perfect sideways passer the world has ever seen. If Kos isn't fit, then it might be Djourou-Verm in the centre with Gibbs on the left. 

Spurs centrebacks are a bit fail and we would do well to keep the supply line to RVP open. Spurs will come to win and not sit back like Sunderland Bus Company so I expect it will be a open game. We need to go for the win too. Our wingers need to push higher and put pressure on their fullbacks and prevent them from attacking higher down the pitch. Our backfour need to play closer to the Song-Arteta centre crowding Modric-VDV's favourite positions. Modric loves to get into that area and deftly release one of the 34 speedsters they have in their line up and we would do good to ensure he doesn't have too much time on the ball. RVP's movement has been fantastic, so it's upto the creative department in the middle to find him, or at least occasionally think of passing the ball towards the opponent goal rather than the tunnel. I don't expect the ACN weary Gervinho to be of much use against a young but intelligent Walker, the onus will be on the Ox to come up with something special... like a hat-trick or something, I don't know.

I can see immense fail happening on the pitch (that's my reverse jinx), unless everyone for Arsenal has a perfect game. Hear that noise? That is just Ox running fastly off a ledge and stopping in mid-air to realise there is no ground beneath him....noooooooooooooo. Thud.

Tweet Wagons and Rexicles

@Punalty shootout becomes latest online presence to use twitter lingo and syntax. #sluts

@Topal and @Parejo class the midfield, engineering a thoroughly dominant display of silky touches and possession football. #majestic

@Pablo has a blinding 1st half, looked spookily identical to Vicente Rodriguez in his prime, flying at defenses and raking up assists, giving the finger to Emery for leaving him out even while fit - in favor of Feghouli. #travesty

Kenwyne Jones a.k.a Charlie Murphy a.k.a Daaaarkknnessss, decides he and @Adil Rami cannot live apart, Rami decides Kenwyne Jones can live in parts. #pwned

@Bruno puts in a tremendous performance at RB, aggressive defense in terms of ball winning from charging wingers, beautiful subtle touches and flicks to find teammates, and intelligent mature possession of the ball. #Missing Link

@Alba on the other makes Valencia more and more foresightedly wistful, most of us treating him like a terminal disease and resigning ourselves to enjoying the time we have left with him, till he gets amputated painfully to a powerhouse club next season. Delight at seeing him at LB instead of headless-chicken crosser Mathieu, is tempered by the depressing acknowledgement that he is wayyy too talented to not be at Barca next season. #Barca's missing link

@Piatti once again gives flashes of Messi-ic intentions, and tendencies too. Got robbed off the ball and stopped in his tracks almost every single time, but only through body checks and hefty challenges (not all unfair either). Still very much a WIP, but with gym-time and more maturity in passing, a scary prospect in the making for Che (before he gets amputated off to Barca as Messi Lite of course). #Underwait

@Aduriz, actually played in this game. #Really?

@ Feghouli comes, blunders about, gives 2 freekicks on the edge of the area, and manages to miss 2 easy chances. #Liability

@ Dealbert, who only got noticed in contrast with Alexis' horrible debut season signed from Getafe, puts in a solid performance. Not much of a zone defender, but man-marking par excellence. Perfectly complements Rami's dynamic defending. Would love to see a seamless back 3 of Ruiz, Rami, and Dealbert behind Wingbacks Bruno, Alba and Central MF pair (can't be fussy, so any 2 of Albelda, Banega, Costa, Parejo, and Topal. #RICH!, at least after Banega returns from injury. #Temporarily poor) behind Jonas, feeding front 2 of Soldado and Pablo. #Starship Entropize

@ Parejo makes us all wonder why he doesn't feature more often. Ran the first half show, Topal took over in first 20mins of 2nd half, before either the 20mins rest or the threat of substitution proved the kick in ass for Parejo to reemerge and boss the remaining 25mins of the game. Emery should make his starting place more permanent, for 80% of the game he was quite deadly. #Parejo Principle

@ Emery proves his brilliance again in face of flagging confidence from Che support (me included). Instead of shutting up shop, makes 2 attacking changes in search of second goal, which should have come if Soldodo didn't fluff a 1 on 1 clean through on goal. #Pre-emerytive strike.

@ Valencia now face PSV - who are fighting a really close Eredivisie - safe in the knowledge of their ground based superiority and class, and newly found aerial guardian. #Grawww

@ Bilbao pull a rabbit out the hat to advance. Just to find next day newspaper rumors of Bielsa lined up to replace Pep next season. #Alice

Return of the Latin King

Europa Leg returns for the second League fixtures tonight...
Need completely organic victory by Valencia, since they're without Banega and Costa, banking on Albelda, Pablo, and Alba having excellent games (aka at least starting....). If they don't form up as a fluid Trigonal Planar in front, and Reflexive Octahedral behind, they really are going to be in a Buenos Aires train that killed 50 and injured 675 others. Metaphorically of course, in reality it could be any city train really... except maybe Yamanashi, I doubt that train can kill non linear shapes, but I'll settle for permanently disfigure next 3 generations through subatomic radiation...which might just blow up in my face (metaphorically) and turn Stoke into mutant supervillain flying demons who swallow the ball and regurgitate it into the goal from their stratospheric lairs, over and over...oh who can stop this one sided aerial mayhem, who will rescue poor Valencia from this OHMYGOD ITS BOB THE T-REX AND HE'S STOLEN E.T'S BICYCLE....throws joint away

Football Entropy 2 : Liga and RM

Considering the previous post ignores the fact that Liga is a system in itself, in which case Entropy should be treated as a thermodynamic property instead, meaning any decrease in Entropy (as has been seen in Barca steadily over the last 7-8 years with the rise of Xavi, Iniesta, and lately Busquets) needs to be compensated by an overall increase in its environment's entropy or randomness. 4-5 years back, you could blindly watch games like Racing vs Celta (19 v/s 20) and be reasonably confident of getting a fiercely contested end to end spectacle with technically gifted players who were, more importantly, well drilled in rapid passing exchanges. Now, if there's a Gijon v/s Granada, I'd much rather watch Cesena vs Lecce in Serie A, since Liga's become a lot more disordered. People talk about defensive discipline and Liga's randomness here that has substantially improved, but ball control should really be more an indicator of order than defensive positioning.

Enter Madrid. The irony of pegging Madrid, sanctimonious elitist ruling party pigs, as the agents of chaos isn't lost on me (actually it is, wtf do I know about Spanish politics and social order.... I went through 16yrs thinking Spain was the capital of Mexico, which its not... that would be Colombia, also a famous university), but their transition from well constructed interplay to their current brand of blindingly fast - zigzag mayhem gaulish village brawl forward crawling out from under to score - football is too nicely coincidental with Barca's opposite entropy shift. Mourinho has been the delta enthalpy which has finally shifted the scales over to chaos, and for all the variables in formulae that just didn't match for the two teams in the previous post, it completely falls into place for Madrid's directional shift and philosophy.

To simply analyze the degree of disorder of a team by assigning randomness numbers to each player by their deviation from mean position in the heat map of soccernet Game cast, I can then proceed to give you any number that fits well with my eventual point (since I've fulfilled the necessary criteria of explaining my methods and stating my assumptions, you have no reason to check the actual number...) - 10 for Barca, 14 for Valencia, 40 for Madrid (led by Ronaldo, Lass, Di Maria), 2000 for Roma (wtf is going on with them this year!!!! who is what!!!). In a league that seems to be tending towards complete internal disorder, might be doom and gloom prediction time for how long Barca's low entropy football can survive in this environment. But it's not, I think Joker Mourinho might just decide Dark Pep isn't fun enough next season and leave, Madrid with this year's victory might make the fatal mistake of organizing their chaotic play, enough to drive the entire Liga towards reduced entropy. By my initial point though, this means Liga environment or Continental Football increases in disorder, and I won't be able to safely watch Cesena-Lecce any more. By now if you haven't deduced I'm wasted, then maybe I can have a few more.....

Football Entropy 1 : Valencia and Barca

Contrary to popular opinion, I find IIM-A is the best environment to study anarchism, not because it is home to amok-running social libertarians torching the dean's office and scrawling "We will rise" on his wife's forehead, but because it is home to amok-running nerds who frequently feel anarchic enough to try their morning tea with three spoons of sugar, then spend the day guiltily looking over their shoulder for men in yellow coats who saw their indiscretion, finally ending the day claiming it was the most exhilarating frenetic day ever. The point is of delta entropy in an ordered system being more noticeable than a disordered system with inherently higher entropy. In part 1, I look at 2 ordered systems in Valencia and Barca and consider entropy as a state of disorder rather than a thermodynamic property (both of which I mastered in the good old school days of poring over theses of Maxwell and their effect on explanation molecular kinetics of gas, rather than waste time like those punkbitches playing volleyball, watching swat kats and flirting with chicks. How dumb they must feel now, all that time spent researching has really paid off with a mention in this blog...)

Valencia ended last season, and began this one as an impeccably precise passing outfit of minimal entropy (in Mathieu, and Alba), and for some reason have slowly and surely increased in disorder till now the only particles of order remaining are Ruiz, Albelda, and Jonas. Principally, this is fine, entropy of a system tends to increase anyway, but the problem is its theoretic direct correlation with the number of states available. Valencia till 2 games ago, was the only team in Spain (and I suspect Europe) to have never fielded the same team in 2 consecutive games, their formations have frequently changed, which again is still quite ok for increasing entropy, but conversely the number of states available for each player (which should logically increase) have stayed the same. Apart from Piatti who's been played at LW and in the hole, every other player has been given the exact same role regardless of formation, how Feghouli has the exact same average position on the RW in a 4-3-3, a 4-4-2, and 4-2-3-1 is a lot more puzzling than the "so what...he's a RW..a RW is a RW is a RW" might suggest to me.

Compare this with Barca, a team that traded Ibra for Villa last year in the final vertice of a system in complete internal order, the pinnacle of precision any team could have achieved. I wont argue whether seeking increased entropy is the right move or not, although given they swept everything up last year, it doesn't strike me as obvious that minimal entropy is unstable. What I will argue is their changing the number of available states (and hence expecting proportional increase of disorder) while trying desperately to keep the same level of order in the overall system w.r.t gameplay. It isn't just the introduction of Cesc's brownian motion that I point to, Alexis has played up front, on the left, on the right, so have Villa and Pedro, and even Iniesta, while Busquets and Masch have taken turns at CM, CB and RB. It's not as simple as saying "don't play a natural LW at RW...duh..", that's pretty much the only thing separating them from Total Football, but it has led to decreased precision of passing in the final 3rd, where last year they'd blindly pass knowing the order of the system dictates there be someone there to receive. Unfortunately for these 2 teams, their completely ordered systems were just as stable, it only required one element of randomness (Emery for Che, Cesc for Barca) to rapidly predate increasing entropy. So why fight it, Valencia should start switching players' positions, and Barca should go psycho on formations.

Barcelona Bottle Valiancia

To be fair, I think that cap looks pretty cool, especially when it comes with that stringy thing that hangs over your face and sways when you blow at it. Or is that only for monkeys on the jukebox... either way, lots of offense meant, hope you took all and more. I'll run the riks of having 1 or 2 north indian readers... (or "1 or 2 readers" full stop.). Quite sad to see Pep and Cecs sharing a laugh after the final whistle, for a moment during his substitution, I'd hoped he said something irrevocably damaging about Pep's mom and sealed his permanent banishment, or better..death..... but if he gives us more whiny ass bitch turf-blaming looks and Beckham vs Portugal penalty moments like he did in this game, it'd be well worth it. A quite depressing moment in time when the Barca starting XI was announced, Xavi fit, but on the bench, Cesc instead. Rewind 2005-06 season where he missed half the season with his knee ligament injury and the black hole it left, me counting the days on my room wall till his return. How I wish I could make an irrevocably damaging joke about Pep's mom from Cecs'c's twitter ID.

Ideally wasn't a 5-1 scoreline, but I think Valencia and Emery deserved it. 4-2-3-1 against Barca's midfield is just planning to fail. Costa returned to his horrific best, Piatti tucking in made the left side completely porous, and Soldado is in no way a lone-striker kind of player. Only Albelda the ocean of tranquility remained stoically flawless, and his short passes under pressure in his own D sometimes, were magnificent. But any amount of Costa horrificity and Soldado doddering could have been withstood if they didn't have a gangrenous Right side of the park rapidly spreading rot through their entire system. I menacingly forebode to Tazimbhai about Barca goals all down Valencia Right flank, (menacingly for myself, for all he cared he probably thought Valencia was a girl, in which case I think he missed a TWSS moment...) with Miguel (aka Black Jim Carrey of footall - funny to see him step on a rake and get smashed in the face, but never want to see him carrying our favorite ming vase, or precious china, or to a lesser extent nerve gas globules while guidance chips are deactivated in Alcatraz) constantly allowing Pedro behind him. The traumatizing deja vu from the first leg just made it harder to understand Emery's decision to leave Bruno out the squad, R.Costa is positionally dreadful, classic solid CB who builds nest in box, him replacing B.J.Carrey was hardly an improvement at RB.

But for me to say they play like shit and will continue to do so while Banega is out (for another 6 months reportedly, excellent....) would be unfair, unconsistent, and unmature, Something to be heard from Cecsx-less Arsenal fans. And I admit it might also be intrue and inreasonable to blame a 4-2-3-1, when it's just as logical to say Barca's MF is probably going to dominate even if you have 3 across your MF, so better to populate the forward line against their high and scattered DF and score, which they did. My problem was with the players in the formation, Alba and Pablo make for a stable pairing around Jonas, both fit, both benched. My usual criticism of Jonas held good again, easy on the eye passes and return balls, but suddenly bunks class and goes to smoke a doozy in the backyard (figuratively, if you didn't get that...) - without sarcasm and exaggeration I can say he is a 5-minute Totti, good for 2 usages across 90 minutes so moment to be chosen well. Costa's game suddenly improves with Alba's dynamism and willingness to collect, and then he was taken off for Topal who is just Costa v1.a with added bugs and sudden blue screen syndrome. All in all, a game I will remember for the depressing news of Banega's injury and how I hadn't felt this way since Xavi's 2005 injury news, which makes me wonder who might come and relegate Banega to the bench even when fit, in 2017.

Valiancia battle Barcelona

No this is not a true story, before too many of you smile knowingly at the mystery of when and how I was hit on the head during my childhood finally solved. Although for the record, it was a door that opened inwards too fast....and I was 7..and 8, and 9...and yesterday... sigh stupid doors. Barca Che game tomorrow and an unfortunate tilting of emotional scales from Anticipatory drooling to Doomsday prophesizing. If you don't recall their first meeting this season, then I hope it's because you were hit by a boomerang, the other explanation is far more alarming and predates more pressing questions of "did you remember to wear pants this morning" or "what is your name" or "who let the dogs out..."

The problem with that 2-2 brilliancathon was Che had Banega who put in one of the performances of the season, Canales who was making their 4-3-3 extremely dynamic, and Pablo continuing where he left off last season. Fast forward to now where they have...none of those things, noone who's stepped up, and ManU/Barca vultures circling around Rami's still warm body (and I don't mean that in an amorous way...although....) making Che fans actually hope he has a poor second half of the season now... Any forceful attack by Barca that game was just met by an even forcerfuller boomerang by Che, made for a wonderful game, and a depressing thought since us fans knew they would probably go out the next game and lose to Gijon or Granada, which they didn't but nevertheless find themselves 18 points off the top, makes you wonder why they bother boomeranging with such ferocity.

Stoke game was very annoying. Took till 17 minutes for Tino Costa to gather his wits, he then put in the best half I've seen from him in these long Banega-less months. Topal was abysmal in his positioning, unfair given he was the Albelda replacement and not addition in the line up, completely neglecting his composed touch and quick short passing. His wonder-goal was more a result of his finally venturing into the other half on the back of brilliant possession spell driven by Costa, than any tactical justification of his inclusion in that position. Will be interesting to see how much distance Costa covered in the first half, seemed like complete possession responsibility in MF was his, and he finally did away with his long balls which admittedly have an air of frustration about them anyway, lot of credit for which should go to positioning of Jonas, who had the kind of game to silence his critics...ok critic...me. Topal on the other hand was quite useless with being available for the short pass in MF, and with Costa completely waning in the second half they really struggled in possession.

Which brings us to tomorrow. Emery doesn't look likely to play Ever and Costa together like he did with Canales, which is sad. What chances of me getting to see them play with Cambiasso in the Argentine MF, if they don't even feature together in the club XI. The Matheiu-Alba force that battered Barca is never going to happen without Ever policing the left of MF and controlling passes. Without him, Mathieu loses his head and just keeps bumping it upfield irritatingly. Add to this a Barca who in the first meeting had Masch at CB, Alexis and Iniesta injured, and no real need to prove anything - all of which are fixed for this game, and I see a 2-0 che loss in the making. If Banega plays and Feghouli dies, then 1-1.

4-2-3-1's and Dysleskic Countdwons

I'm going to do a Maurice Fischer on last night's Arsenal rape and say..."there's really...nothing to be said", of course that doesn't mean there's nothing to be written. Spectacular rape, the kind that was strong enough to reach across the tv and impregnate Arsenal fans all over the world. Arsenal have recently fallen into the dangerously alarming slump of winning matches and being competitive, hopefully last night was the wake-up call they needed to get the dismality of their season back on track and satisfy their quite demanding fans by being more consistent in their woefulness. Choosing a 4-2-3-1 like they did against Milan's MF Diamond is not at all surprising, that Rosicky was included in the 3 was surprising for the 1-2 seconds it took to realize Wenger is still authorized to make decisions, not just pout and look pretty in his totally hep jackets. I really like Rosicky, and have pushed for their changing formation to include him and/or Yossi, so it bugs me to see the half-assed way in which he was included in a side with Theo still set up to break quickly down the wing - the failure of which is sure to land on the "ineffectiveness" of Rosicky. Milan on the other hand just as unwatchable as ever, even without Borneo runaway Seedorf uglying up the MF possession, a team whose victories I am endlessly at a loss to explain.

2 excellent Europa matches tonight, Atletico - Lazio and a foreboding Stoke phalanx against Valencia in what are 3 sets of 4-2-3-1's and 1 10-0-0. Falcao has grown on me this season, he's gradually vertically backward integrated from his striker position to almost exactly the role Forlan played. Adrian from right wing ends up further forward than him on the overlap for the most part, and Arda on the other side has joined Gabi as my favorite player on the team. Boo hiss Dismal Diego. Exactly the kind of sentence that ensures he scores 2 and assists 1 tonight. Still Dismal Diego in my books. Despite their great defensive record under Simeone, Lazio have the perfect set up to score against them - with Ledesma, Hernanes, and Alvaro all lurking majorly only on the right side, and conversely Kasmirski for Atletico almost always being out of his LB position way up field, wit Arda tucking in much tighter in center making their left flank very porous theoretically at least...... I'm up for a nicely played 0-0, though have a sneaky feeling godforsaken Lazio might steal a 1-0 down Atletico's left.

Prediction jinxage and insistent doom and gloom whispers in ear dictate I not preview the Valencia game, too much of this season's success has boiled down to the Europa, though I'm secretly harboring ambitions of overtaking Barca in 2nd, weekend mammoth fixture will tell. But for tonight, anything less than 70% possession and 3 goal advantage is practically a loss... while a draw or loss is.... the kind of thing that makes me want to think out my sentences more carefully. Hoping they scrap the 4-2-3-1 and go with 3 across MF, on recent evidence it doesn't look likely. So let the countdwon benign. Kant weight.

Ugly playing by Sunder land.

In the history of football tactics there is perhaps no formation that is more detestable, abominable, life-sapping, craven and braindead than a 5-5. So perhaps it was fitting that a team like Sunderland filled with players who are detestable, abominable.. etc. chose to play with 5 defenders sitting behind another line of 5, all staying within their half for the entirety of the game. Arsenal, started off as a 4-1-4-1 (edited to reflect common notation that doesn't make any sense to me) with Song as the def mid and Rosicky and Arteta playing the two midfielders up front. Ox and Walcott provided the width. But Sunderland were so content to sit back that wingers Ox and Walcott pushed forward enough to play alongside RVP in a rough 4-3-3 for most of the game. 

Sunderland crowded the centre and made it difficult for Arsenal to play through the middle. Arsenal huffed and puffed during the first half but were unable to find a way though the Sunderland crowd. With the middle packed out, Arteta showed good distribution to spray the ball wide to the wingers. Ox is the kind of winger who likes to cut in-field and attack through the centre and that approach was bound to fail in a crowded defence like last night. He found himself running into groups of 3 or 4 whenever he cut in. Their rightback stood off Ox to give himself a good 2 yards advantage for he knew he couldn't match the Ox's pace and as a result the Ox did not pose that much of a problem. In contrast, Walcott often had the better of his marker but his crossing was so poor that it barely even made it to the D area. Song's passing was poor too. Yesterdays served as a reminder of the severity of his penuriousness and the distance of relationship with Xavi. With such a tight defence I would have like more of our back four to come forward to press the game and play in a more attacking manner. Verm and Sagna did not contribute going forward (not in the sense of that MBA phrase) while Kos who usually bombs forward remained at the back. Merte's slow pace means he never comes forward anyway. I think if Arsenal had stepped up the numbers in attack then something would have given. But I guess the players were a bit cautious about not leaving the back undefended lest Sunderland score from a counter.

Sunderland scored from a counter. Mertesacker twisted his ankle and fell to the ground whie McLean went past him and slammed the ball past Szcz at the far end. It was developing as a 3 on 3 situation and had Mertesacker not injured himself I am sure the goal would not have been scored. <peering into crystal balls only fans have>

In a way Merte's injury brought out a more direct approachy Arsenal. Wenger brought on Ramsey for Per and pushed Song into centreback. So you had a centreback who could press higher and three attacking midfielders. Arteta shot from outside the D, his shot was blocked by one of the 23 who stood in front of the Sunderland goal and fell to Ramsey who hit it first time into the net. Arsenal had equalised with about 15 mins left on the clock and this only hardened Sunderland's resolve to defend tighter.

And then there was magic. Arshavin, who is so out of form he could be an amoeba, was brought on far the last 5 mins. I had resigned myself to a draw, and was only dreading a last minute Sunderland counter resulting in a sucker punch 2-1 loss (that's Arsenal fans in general). Rosicky passed it sideways to Vermalen who took a step forward and passed it on the line to the Russian. Arshavin shimmied, ran at the two Sunderland idiots and crossed the ball into the D. Thierry Henry leaped up, adjusted his angle a bit, and poked the ball into the net from close range. Thierry Henry. 229th goal for Arsenal football club. Three points in the bag on a day where both Liverpool and Chelsea lost. You, sir, are a legend.

Now, should we have let this game go on until the 92nd min? Nope. This has been an oft-repeated strategy. Lower positioned teams play with ten men behind the ball, sit back deep and defend resolutely, disrupt Arsenal's passing and are wait patiently for the odd scoring chance from a set piece or a counter while Arsenal are content to pass the ball sideways from one flank to the other hoping to hypnotise the opposition. A certain more direct approach is missing in this team - and I don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. Too often, most players are content to go for a sideways pass then try and go forward to find a way through the opposition lines. Keeping possession till the end of the world is all well and good if you have Messi in your team. Being half a Barcelona is the same as jumping halfway across a well.

CFJ4 - UCL Blues

1st knockout of UCL beckons this week, and it immediately hits me just how few teams I actually like here. ManU and ManC halving the English detritus should have made the air a lot cleaner, but with no Valencia, Roma, Juve - I'm left with tournament favorites Napoli, Might-just-surprise-you-with-pacy-football-upset Zenit, and of course dark horse underdogs Barca. Against a seething mass of my most despised set of teams in Chelsea, Arsenal, AC, Inter, Bayern, and Benfica (who in their defense, have put out the ad for old elephants to come and die, in the process collecting my ex favorites Aimar and Saviola, as well as Maxi Pereira). Marseille, Nicosia, Bayer not worth my noticing and Lyon as usual get a free ride through to the quarters. Overall, happy for the chance to see Maggio and Lavezzi a little more, in a season where Napoli games have been criminally under broadcasted by Neo (I mean the channel, not Keanu Reeves... OR DO I...............). Preparing for another 180 minutes of Chelsea blockade and Napoli attacks, though Dossena and Hamsik in particular have been disappointing considering their excellent seasons last year, but Maggio has picked up most of the slack in MF, Inler has been exciting, and Lavezzi continues to make me spend 20 bucks for a nice bout of creamy frothy delight covered by a chocolatey layer of indulgence. Of course that might be Lavazza, I get mixed up in these troubled times of impending defeat by English pig dogs :(

Been a little annoyed with Cavani's trigger happiness this season, he was a lot more restrained in possession retention last year, and more than little annoyed at increased appearances for Zuniga, not his biggest fan. Need Maggio fit, Lavezzi in the mood, and Cavani sharp and hoping the quarters are an England Free Zone. For the matches that count - Barca 3-0 away at Leverkusen, Arsenal 1-1 at Milan in one of those games I watch just hoping for a major crowd invasion and player violence murder suicide total annihilation kind of scenarios before blinking myself awake to the dullness of real life, Madrid 2-0 in Russia, Chelsea 0-1 in Naples, Inter and Bayern ho hum blech. Robben to get decapitated by stray flying rapier and ..blink blink... goddammit.

CFJ3 : Valencia Barca Preview

As usual, a completely insignificant Valencia - Barcelona semi final game has been touted across football sites as "the game upon which Barca's season hinges...". It's the Copa Del Rey... more people give a crap about the "European Champion Belt" in the WWF than this. Why these guys are even in this tournament has been beyond me, and pretty much everyone else not getting a cut out of stadium revenues of course... It's like Brett Hart, contender for the World Champion Belt, finally beats the Undertaker at Summer Slam in the money in the bank match for the right to challenge anyone for their belt, and after a dramatic pause where Jim Ross prefaces the absolute caarnage to follow, calls out Jeff Hardy for his Inter Continental Title... cue shocked gasps and fading out JR "oh its oonnn, its reallly onnn noww!!". This is no place for the Giants of liga, world beaters and undoubtedly the best team on the planet right now, so they should do the dignified thing and gracefully give a walk over... and let Barca go onto the finals against Bilbao........

P.S how kicked was I that Sid Lowe's Valencia-limbo article looked so ripped off from mine!! Little less than Pepe, and little more than Tacchinardi, that's how kicked. (as you can tell from our small depressing lives, getting ripped off by Michael Cox or Sid Lowe has bumped other stalwarts of life's priorities off the list, like winning nobel prizes, getting into the FBI most wanted list, petting a wolf and polar bear, or finding love and happiness....with said wolf and polar bear....as in two separate beasts, not genetically altered...hmmmm wait)

Cruel Football Joke 2

It occurs to me I have something against Arsenal fans too... (or people who cross roads...). Maybe I would have turned out better if I hadn't spent my childhood playing RoadRash trying to mow down all the people instead of finishing the race... Nah it's definitely Arsenal fans.

Cruel Football Joke 1

It occurs to me perhaps I have something against ManU fans... Like reaally something against them... especially after the annoying deterioration of the status of Tautology ("I hate ManU fans because I hate ManU fans"), Descartism ("I hate ManU fans because...they're ManU fans"), Non Sequitor ("I hate ManU fans because... the capital of Honduras is Tegucigalpa"), and Repressed trauma syndrome ("I hate ManU fans because.... my uncle molested me") in the Psychology Panel for acceptable diagnoses of extreme football opinions, my ManU hate no longer has a leg to stand on.... like David Villa.
ouch.....
sigh.... why god why.... (I guess because he got injured... or because he is David Villa.... or because Francis Arkwright was Member of Parliament and Legislative Council in two different countries... or because his uncle molested me...)
sigh....

Matchday Collateral Damage

Firstly, you know who you are Joke Police... now that we got that mystery out of the way (in the silky smooth way directors address the "how will I know" question with "...you just do"), lets play a game... Answer : Drool on keyboard, champagne on Moto GP supermodels, R Kelly peeing on teenagers, Cristiano Ronaldo sticking his thing in a plugpoint (unfortunately, I didn't do MS in U.S so I don't use "electrical socket"..yet... like y'know..ohmygad..), Sting rays killing doofus Australians, Fat Ronaldo when someone finally pricks him with a needle, Atletico - Valencia game. yes the question is "What goes fffffffzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz?". Worst football match of the season so far (excluding EPL, hence the use of word "football"). Tino Costa had his worst game since the Chelsea 0-3, and together with Mathieu, had more long balls attempted than Manchester United... Rami and Ruiz thumped quite a few themselves in what was a Valencia Defense - Atletico Defense - Valencia Defense match.

I'm going to be at my gracious best. All Emery's fault. For a team that thrives on possession, he formed up with just Costa - Albelda in midfield, and Soldado, Piatti, Alba, and Pablo in front, of whom arguably only Pablo ever plays a back pass to retain possession (who anyway had a stunningly terrible game - all in all, a good day for the ball, changed sides every 2 seconds, like Mrs.Wayne Bridge). Surprisingly knowledgeable commentator, who brought up that Valencia remain the one side in Liga to have never repeated a starting XI in 2 consecutive games. He of course undid all my gradually built up admiration by commenting that Jonas was one of the Liga players of the season upon his substitution. Admittedly, the ground passing significantly improved after he came in, linking up with MF, but its going to take more than significant improvement on this 20 miles below rock bottom performance to make up for his all too often missing in action status on the field.

Banega on the bench was ok given their Barca knockout tomorrow, but Piatti in the hole has failed 3 times before already, and Alba suffers without a ball playing creator in the middle to receive his rapid 1-2's and pick up his runs behind the RB. The Mathieu - Alba overlap and switch (one of the tactical highlights of this season for me, along with Taddei at Wingback / De Rossi at Stopper in Roma, unless of course we count the highfails of Pirlo at defensive MF, Fabregas as box to box, Busquets at CB, and the ridiculous tactical globe placed on Borja Valero's vertebrae. holy relegation batman if he gets an injury) didn't happen till the 57th minute for the first time, and Albelda had none of his calm on the ball without someone in MF he could trust with possession. The one bright spot of the day was the return of Dismal Diego! I've been gnashing my teeth at how well he's been playing after proving such a damp squib at Juve, this game was quite enjoyable therefore to see him do absolutely nothing but get fouled and foul people. Excellent.

Fortunately, I was coming off the back of a gleeful 4-0 Roma thumping of Inter (as in coming off watching it, not playing...this metatarsal injury is so frustrating), so the collateral damage my brain suffered from watching the snooze fest was less felt. But what a week of Collateral Damage, Marcelino finally gets axed for their 1-2 loss to Villarreal (ironically, the first game in almost 4yrs that I've seen Sevilla play attacking football), Torres gets attacked again for what hardly seemed his fault, and a hilarious Ibra red card vs Napoli where poor Nocerino gets slapped for no reason. My moment of the day, De Sanctiis sees yellow for pouncing on the linesman, what a jackass!!

In other news, RM grind out a 1-0 that should have been 1-1 with a blatant Pepe penalty. Barca sends out a team with a huge banner that says "who cares about winning the league when we have the Copa Del Rey!!", and I get proven wrong for cursing the televised Udinese - Fiorentina game instead of the Juve - Siena game after the former's pulsating 2-3 and the latter's reportedly dull 0-0. Also in other news, was embarrassingly productive at work yesterday. Feeling quite dirty. More capitalist pig MNC dollars made by my bloodstained hands :( how do I sleep at night... (apart from 200$ poorer and a bill from "Hoes R Us" I mean)

Captain Consultant Ep 1 : Liga Title Race

Welcome to the section of the blog that justifies our status as IIMA grads. A statistical mushroom cloud that derives from an analytical chain reaction and covers the readership landscape with the indelible taste of Captain Obvious' armpit (the smell of which I would not be doing justice to if I failed to clarify that by "Mushroom Cloud" I mean a cloud in the shape of a mushroom, and not evaporated mushroom waiting to precipitate, although it would explain why they call it nai kodai...).

A few months back, I'd despondently resigned myself to another also-there Valencia in 3rd, and a league win for Madrid that not only bodes ill for an insufferable barrage of obnoxious trash talk from them, but also unfortunately upsets the status quo (of Barca players' superiority) threatening an ego clash within Furia Roja for the Euro. Now Madrid sit 7 points clear, while Valencia battle injury, a mediocre forward line, inconsistent performances from Costa and Ruiz, and the existence of Miguel (not that Barragan's been substantially better) - leading me to be quite ok for them to even slip into 4th place just to escape this damnable 3rd place limbo they are not good enough to climb above, and way too good to slip below. Just have to wait for Madrid and Barca to decimate their way through to the UCL Final (unless the draw plays spoilsport before that) for added support from rest of Europe to my desperate plea that these two be separated from society and be allowed to have their personal Mortal Kombat while Valencia proceeds to win the league year after year the way they deserve.

The wavelength of Barca's sine wave shows just how inconsistent they've been, not just with results but with goals scored, while Madrid are either consistently scrappy or consistently belligerent. Back in school, after any embarrassing UCL knockout for Madrid (of which there were enough..), a friend and RM fan, used to menacingly soothsay a ruthless annihilation of the team in the next liga fixture - it always happened, even coaches came out in interviews "fearing the Madrid backlash", wounded beast yadayada. But the game after that it used to be back to uninspiring for Madrid. Same story for Barca this time, bounce back flatteringly only to deceive in the next game. Captain Obvious Takeaway? Madrid consistently finding back of the net, Barca draw fail. 14mins of your life wasted going through that graph to hear something you could have got from the league table stats.

Comeback means winning every single game, and hoping Madrid lose atleast 2 (excluding the foregone loss to Barca conclusion), not unreasonable given Madrid's incredible first half? Unfortunately, compare their graph with last season, looks quite identical, from the results and points right down to the shape of the wave. Even worse news, their graph picks up over the 2nd half last season - reflecting also in the stats of Avg Goal difference 1.6 in H1 and 2.1 in H2. Capt Obv Takeaway 2? Madrid form way too superior to drop 7 points. 5mins of your life wasted comparing seasonal trends when you know they've only dropped 3 points in the last 16 games...

So with RM playing pretty much like last season, it means Barca have been crap this yr. The graph for last season H1 shows the kind of wavelength that has been missing this season. But enough about Fabregas... the graph also shows their consistency in goal difference across games (standard format threshold reached on the double meaning syntax?.... my otherrrr grandfaathhaaa.......Milton Jones FTW). More doom and gloom, Barca Goal Difference dipped from 2.6 in H1 to 1.1 in H2, so the odds are their performance is going to dip even further from now on. Capt Obv T/A - Barca to drop even more points in H2. 4mins wasted checking wave attributes when you know their focus has anyway shifted to the UCL, and Iniesta and Villa are injured. Fvcked.

Rider : Of course you might argue Barca's H2 dipped because they were already in control of the league, while RM were chasing it, meaning the opposite might be true this season about who has a better H2. Overall Takeaway : Barca may....or may not...stage a comeback....depends on whether they overcome...or don't overcome....a 7 point deficit....

The look on your face now as you realize Strat Consultants are paid so much more than you, and are quite probably much better looking too..... Timeless...

P.S quick preview on tonight's RM/Barca games - Sociedad drew Barca last time, not expecting the same tonight. Watching out for Carlos Vela controlling the MF on the fast break - assist for Agirretxe. 3-1 Barca. Getafe beat Barca earlier, and usually dominate their Madrid fixture - Barrada and Diego Castro have really caught my attention this season, hoping for them to rack up an assist for Miku and steal a 1-1 draw, but money's on them going 1-0 ahead and losing 1-4. Today's more about getting enough sleep to ensure wide awakeness for Roma-Inter and Atletico-Valencia tomorrow. fizzzz...that's the sound of my keyboard short circuiting from drool